There is this lady I met when I was in higher institution. I loved her so much but she was never faithful to me. She didn’t bother to conceal this fact from me, as she would right in my presence accompany other men on dates. It got to a stage I told her I wasn’t interested in the relationship any longer, yet she refused to let go as she made sure no other lady agreed to a date with me.
On my part my love for her too didn’t allow me to leave her so we reconciled before our graduation.
Frankly, what I had at the back of my mind was to extract my pound of flesh by leading to a point before ditching her, a sort of pay back for all the emotional pains she caused me while we were in school.
The problem now is that she is pregnant for me and stays with my parents who have been sending messages to come home to do the right thing on her. I really don’t want to go because I feel its time for me to pay her back for all the embarrassment and emotional torture she inflicted on me while we were still in school.
My dilemma is that no matter how much I try to get her out of my mind, the more difficult it is for me to. Please help me.
Worried Man.
Dear Worried Man,
The fact that this lady is pregnant for you makes it imperative for you to make up your mind about what you really want as well as what you feel for her. Besides, she is with your parents so there is no escape for you at all. If you don’t go, they are just as capable of coming to you and standing in for you. So it’s in your interest to go and sort things out with your girlfriend before the pregnant gets obvious. It is the honest and responsible thing to do as the man who has put her in the family way.
The situation won’t vanish simply because you lack the guts to own up to your weakness for this woman. You have gotten to that point in your life when only the truth can give you complete peace.
From the tone of your letter, it is crystal clear that you really love her but simply hurting at her behaviour. The right thing for you to do now is to stop drumming up different excuses for taking her back into your life. Such excuses will not distract you from the fact that deep down your love for her is unconditional as well as forgiving of anything she does. This is why you made love to her without any form of protection. If you were serious about getting rid of her in the first place, you wouldn’t have gone into her without protecting yourself from being a father to her child. Deep down you actually think it is the only way to tie her down which was why you had unprotected sex with her in the first place.
This is a basic truth you must first admit to. It certainly shall help you come to terms with the reality of your situation as well as help make up your mind on what steps you should take concerning her.
At this critical stage, don’t lie to yourself by admitting to your weakness for this woman. To deny what you feel for this woman would be to live your life in total deceit as well as permanent regrets. Unless you do what you have to do now, you will never be free to completely love another woman or find the right kind of peace to make such woman happy.
You have to draw from your reservoir of strength to face the bitter choice before you. To love a woman you know deep down may not always be faithful to you or move on to another one you will never be able to give your complete love.
The danger of closing this relationship without exhausting all the possibilities is the fact that she is going to be the mother of your child. With that child she can always get you whenever she wants to make life miserable for you and any woman you choose over her.
This is because she knows she has a kind of power over you, which makes it impossible for you to completely ignore her. Sincerely when a man finds himself in this kind of emotional entanglement, the wise thing to do is not to run away but to see how he can also manipulate the situation to his advantage, and what better opportunity than this pregnancy to get her to listen to you?
The dream of the average young woman is to get married and have her own family not to be a single mother. So the time is now for you to stamp your authority in this relationship.
Sincerely, because your love is the kind that is blind to her faults, that is willing to accommodate her irrespective of the kind of pain she inflicts on you, you have to sit her down for a soul searching discussion on what you want to do with the relationship.
In your discussion, begin by demanding what she intends to do with the pregnancy. Make it appear to her as if you are not excited about it and therefore can’t be bothered what she intends to do with it. Play the tough guy by asking her if the pregnancy is really yours considering her past track records with other men. Have it at the back of your mind that this is only intended to instill certain fears into her mind, the possibility of having a child with questionable paternity.
No matter how strong hearted a woman is, having a baby without a father is one cup of tea no woman wants to drink. This will certainly douse whatever kind of power she thinks she has over you and make her meek as well as manageable.
It will sober her enough to make her have a general rethink of her lifestyle. Without being told, she knows there is no way you can have the guts to deny paternity of her child if she didn’t in the first place give you reasons to.
The essence of this is to sober her sufficiently to give you the kind of respect you deserve as the head as well as appreciate your kind of love for her. This is in addition to helping her realise that she is a very lucky woman to have a man like you by her side.
Every relationship needs a leader, hence the need for you to chart and map the way your reactions to each other.
Follow this by an agreement between the two of you on what her conduct should be from now on. If you have made up your mind to forgive her, let her know as well as the conditions under which she would continue to enjoy your forgiveness and trust. At this juncture, don’t pretend about your hurts and how much you are afraid of having anything permanent with her on account of your past experiences with her.
We do more harm to ourselves, and eventual happiness by pretending to agree with a situation we know we won’t be able to tolerate for long in our relationships. By making her understand that relationship is governed by trust and the onus is always on the woman to prove the paternity of her child.
As a way of ensuring you too don’t give her room to regret her decision to stay with you, ask her what she thinks of you and how you can also change to continue to earn her respect. In addition you must learn to give your relationship its own character because no two partners are exactly alike. That one thing appears to be working for one couple doesn’t mean it would work in your marriage or relationship.
You both have to find your individual strengths before you have a united front.
It is only when you have both wiped out the ugliness of your past that you can face the challenge of looking ahead to a bright future between the two of you.
Before going completely into it, be very sure you have the capacity and temperament to deal with her kind of person. One the greatest gift of love is forgiveness, not the kind that claims to have forgiven but still keeps record of the incident. Once you have both talked, forget and forgive her completely. Ensure the slate has no mark on it.
Also submit every stage of your relationship to God who is the all time healer.
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