Tired of pampering her over minor squabble…

Dear Agatha,

I thank God I have found someone I love and who loves me in a way we both can’t comprehend, but that does not mean it is void of hitches. 

I have been with my girlfriend, aged 21, while I’m 26, for a long time now, but once in a while we have minor quarrels or disagreements. When this occurs, it keeps her moody for a while until I wear myself out begging and pampering her. 

To this end she has come to take it for granted that I will always pamper her each time she is angry. 

Recently I found out that after winning back her love, I become moody as a result of anger at my weakness, hence I also want to hurt her back. I want to allow her experience my anger to have a feel of what I go through when she begins her tantrums. 

Once things got out of hand I angrily threw sand on her face! I felt miserable and contrite afterwards. I don’t want this to be part of me anymore. Please, what do I do to stop this growing habit?

 Raphael.

Dear Raphael, 

A relationship is akin to the process of building a house. Without the right foundation nothing put on the land would stand. Furthermore it has to follow the natural process of ground to up; there is no putting up the roof when the right level has not been attained. Any adjustment has to be made from the foundation if the structure is to stand the test of time.

You are still both at the foundation level. At this stage, you are allowed to make all the mistakes because there is ample chance of adjustments and correction in the foundation of your relationship. 

Even though you are five years older than her, at 26, you are still very far from being perfect. You clearly haven’t mastered the patience and tolerance of dealing with women as well as understand women have different moods; mood swings and that each of these moods requires patience, attention and sometimes space from the man.

At times a woman may not really be in charge of her behaviour. This is that time of the month when she is extra nice, gentle and loving while at another time of the mood she wakes up and nothing seems right for her that day. She would snap at the slightest provocation or get angry at something she did the day before and you laughed over, is irritated by the smell of her man or his presence around her. 

Matured men have since come to understand that the average woman is governed by moods and once notice that it is that time of the month when she acts like a wounded lion, do everything to avoid any confrontation with her. This is the time when women appear to behave irrationally, say things without thinking.

At 21, your girlfriend doesn’t even have a clue as to what is wrong hence cannot resist it. At the times she forgives you, is when she is in her loving mood; the time of the month she wants to be cuddled when your breath excites her and not irritates her.

If you are observant you would note that these quarrels always occur at almost the same time of each successive month, try to avoid her at such periods to minimise the times you both quarrel as well as help your relationship survive the constant wear and tear of your monthly disagreements.

And when the mood is right, try to help her by pointing her at your observations and how she can help herself fight these hormones by developing a cautious effort at suppressing them. 

No woman completely wins this battle but she needs help to point out the obvious to her. 

But that is no excuse for your short fuse. Throwing sand at her isn’t right. It is a sign that if you too don’t make the effort, you have the tendency to be violent. Much as I know the frustration and despair many men feel when their women begin to manifest these strange moods, the wise thing is to always walk away. 

Once there is true love between the two of you, things would eventually sort themselves out without you doing the excess to get her to forgive you. It is the extent you go that is making you very angry and prone to violence. Next time you get on her wrong side, tell her sorry and mean it. Leave it at that because that is the best you can offer her. It is your true self; stop pretending to be who you are not. Allow your true nature to show; it is the only way you can cope with this relationship. To continue is to factor defects into the foundation of the home you are trying to build. 

Don’t be afraid of losing her by showing her your true self. If you both are meant to be, you shall both overcome the storm.

Good luck.