My ex-wife denies me access to our children…

Dear Agatha, 

I have four children with my first wife who has left me for another man. My major pains now is her refusal to grant me permission to see my children as well as the fact that she and her mother visits different native doctors seeking charms that would eliminate me and my current wife.

Her mother is on her side while her siblings aren’t. What do I do?

Sixtus.

Dear Sixtus, 

For any woman to take on the responsibility of caring for four children in another man’s house points to something deeper and more fundamental than you are presenting in your letter. As a man, how would you react to a woman bringing four children into your home and life? It can’t be a rosy party for her to care, fend and take charge of four children all alone. Unless she is the kind of woman who doesn’t care about the welfare of her children, but even at that four children are a handful for any woman who has the ambition to play the field.

Ordinarily, she would have willingly dropped the children with you to give her the freedom to enjoy relative peace with her new man. There is no way she can ever be free with those four children staying with her in another man’s house. Contrary to the picture you have presented of her, she appears like a good mother ready to do anything to protect her children. 

A woman who is desirous of playing the field won’t want the bother of children around her, won’t even take them with her in the first place. So something is definitely not right somewhere and unless you are willing to state the truth concerning what happened between you and your former wife, you won’t achieve much success in your bid to get the children’s attention.

What did you do to make her quit your home with the children? Can you be honest with yourself to say it? What were you looking at when she left for another man’s house with your children? Did you put up any resistance at the point she ordered your children to follow her? Are you sure your desire to now see the children isn’t an after thought? Are you sure you have not at one time or the other openly questioned or acted as if these children are not yours? Have you always cared for them, given them attention and provided for their needs as at when due? What kind of relationship do you have with your children? If they were given the chance to choose between you and their mother, would the children vote for you as an ideal father? Her packing out with the children must have been prompted by a situation she can no longer cope with. The fact that you too already have a wife in your home underscore the salient point that you are not totally blameless in all the events that led to this development between you and the mother of your children.

There are ways of approaching matters like this. You can’t use force when it comes to situations concerning the life of delicate children. You both had a reason in the first place to marry; even if that reason doesn’t exist anymore the fact that at one time or the other, you derived so much joy in each other makes it important for the two of you to explore other options in this matter.

No marriage is ever between two persons only. Both of you must have gone through some processes that involved your two families before you settled down as a couple. This is the time to tap into those structures by sending emissaries to her family to beg them to intervene on your behalf. Unless there was nothing formal in the first place, you can also go to the welfare department to insist on your rights as the father of the children. Once the government is involved she would have no reason to deny you access to your children.

But your case would be hard to pursue if there was nothing formal or customary between the two of you in which case you have to depend on her good will. Whatever mistakes you have made be humble and send emissaries to her to soften her mind against you. Even if she is the worst kind of wife, the fact that she is attempting to be a good mother to her children has given her an edge over you and a hold over the children. So you have to thread carefully by being mindful of what you say about her. How come you know about her visits to these native doctors as well as plans to kill you? Is it that you follow them around since these kinds of visits and motives are not usually advertised?  Be careful what you say if you want her to have the confidence to entrust her children to you. Her fear may just be the woman you have in your life whose nature she doesn’t know.

To resolve the issue of the children’s welfare, you have to bury the bitterness, disappointments and pains of your time together to give you both the neutral platform to talk about your children. For now, your children are more important than anything or anyone in your different lives. Even if you have more children, these children remain your first set, the leaders of your pack, so no sacrifice would be too much to make for their happiness.

Good luck.