Memory of my ex sends guys off…

Dear Agatha,

I am a lady of 25 years of age. I had my first relationship when I was in higher institution. We dated for five years and he wanted us to marry but I couldn’t because I am the first child of the family and wanted to make my family comfortable before marrying. So he married someone else. It’s been three years now and I can’t forget him, neither can I find someone I truly have feelings for or someone that I wholly have the confidence in and belongs to me like this guy.

Now the issue is that I’m scared and worried about my future, because every guy I met, I find myself comparing him with my ex. Besides, I have never really bothered to commit myself to any relationship like I did with him. This attitude of mine has made it impossible for any of the relationships I have had after him last. I am so worried if I will ever be able to find the right man or get married for that matter. 

Early this year, I met this guy: we liked each other, but he was in a relationship and I was in one also. I did not give him much thought because he is short. But we remained friends over time and he would tell me how he is having fundamental issues with his girlfriend after he has gone for the introduction. 

But he never really mentioned the issue that was giving them problems even when I made attempts to find out. On one occasion he invited me to his house, conscious that he has a spot for me, on getting there, I claimed I was two months pregnant for my ex boyfriend. I pretended to cry bitterly about how the pregnancy has affected my family and I. Thinking, this will dissuade him from wanting to have a carnal knowledge of me but I was wrong. He kept on pressurising me and cajoling me until he had his way. I left his house that day very bitter with myself, and regretting my actions of visiting him. It’s been a month now since after the incident, and he has not called me. 

Now, I don’t know what to do, because despite this show of utter wickedness I still think about him. And what even worries me more is why I find it difficult to let go of that which I have lost. Please advise me on what to do.

Worried Lady.

Dear Worried Lady, 

There is no point crying over spilt milk. In your interest, you just must let go the consequences of the choice you made long ago. Count your losses and move on with your life.

Dwelling over the many ‘what could have been’ will never allow you to see anything good in another man. Accept your decision as the act of God. If God had wanted both of you to end up together as an item, both of you would have found away out of the situation then. That you placed your family before him didn’t think him important enough to make the sacrifice for shows that you were not destined to be. More so, you were the one who decided against the relationship, not him. If he mattered to you so much then, you would never have allowed your five years together go down memory lane.

To help yourself get over him, take a little time to revisit your reasons back then. Something other than the reason you gave made you give him up. If you can admit the reason to yourself, that thing you have been afraid of putting a name to, you will find the peace to move on. Don’t allow the guilt of regrets of what could have been between the two of you stop you from moving on with your on life. Regret allowed to stay in the system can be cancerous. Its combination of pains and guilt can stop one from venturing forward again.

Learn to accept that irrespective of what was between the two of you, there is not the chance of both of you having a common future. He has long married and is happy with the choice God led him into making.

On your part, you just have to let go of that feeling of guilt you carry of hurting this man you shared so much with. Without you deleting it from your system, regrets will make it impossible for you to see anything good in another man, appreciate the man for his unique qualities as well as find a relationship more useful than a thing of physical expression. 

Furthermore, you must have a dream of what you want from life. Your inability to define this in the first place, made you give up your dream for your family. If you had any plans for yourself, knew what you wanted from life, had a clear idea of the value of your relationship, you would have known that being married to the right man would be an enhancement for your family values rather than a distraction. 

It is the same reason you slept with this man. Deep down you knew this man would compromise you, yet you went into his house and allowed him to have his way with you. He isn’t wicked rather you are the one that is weak. Men will continue to take advantage especially when they perceive a weakness in you. You simply have to pull yourself together and focus on the kind of future you want. It is only then you would be able to see clearly the kind of man that would give you the kind of support you need to be happy.

To help get over this go to God in prayers. He only can heal you and point you at the direction you should go. 

Good luck.