She lost her virginity in dubious way

Dear Agatha,

You are a rare gift to us. Keep the flag flying high! 

Kindly help me find solution to this problem I find myself in. I have been with a girl for the past three years and we planned walking down the aisle soon. I’m a 31-year-old hard working guy while she is 26.

I met her in her natural state and we agreed that she would remain that way until we get married. Three weeks ago, I got a rude shock. I travelled on a business trip. I came back to find out that while I was away she was seeing one of her former boyfriends whom she claimed forced himself on her and got her opened. 

I feel betrayed by this because I have not cheated on her since I met her and have been looking forward to our wedding night. Though I love her but I can’t stand this betrayal. It’s very traumatic. Though I still have feelings for her, but I think she cannot be trusted. Do I keep on searching or take her back? I’m really depressed. Please your advice. 

Betrayed Man.

Dear Betrayed Man, 

Sincerely, this is a decision you just have to make for yourself. It is something very personal; that will affect in its entirety how you relate to her now as well as in future. Once you are not in harmony with the decision you eventually take on this matter, you will never be able to fully enjoy marriage to her. Therefore it’s important the final decision comes from you. This is because trust is on mortgage here; there are several questions you need clear answers to. Furthermore you need the emotional stability to deal with questions that will continue to agitate your mind for a long time to come. 

Without you having the conviction that you have done the right thing, the shadows of her betrayal will continue to hunt you for life.

However, it is important at this point for you to take stock of your three years together. Has she ever been unfaithful to you? Given you any reason to suspect that she has been lying about her claims to be a virgin? What brought about this other man again into her life to the extent of him forcing himself on her? 

The last question in particular would be one you would in later years keep asking yourself? Why did she put herself in a position to be compromised? Whatever her explanations are, you need to ask yourself this vital question: do you believe the story she told you? What could have happened between when you went on a business trip, and your return to make her go the whole length with this man?

Frankly, this is not the time to play the hero; pretend that you are not hurting or disappointed with the whole development. I am sure your mind is still asking what could have happened to make her do this to you.

More than that, this is the time for you to dissect your relationship if you both hope to have a future together. The first question you should answer is, whose relationship is this, yours, hers or both of you? Chances are that you are the one who have been dragging the relationship all along, the one who wants it more than she does. If this is the case, it might be in your both interest if you allow her go; at least give her time to make up her mind about you and the relationship.

The fact that she has been with you for three years may not be sufficient reasons for her to want to spend the rest of her life with you. The speed at which, she and the other guy got together may be an indication of how she actually feels about you. Ask her at this point what she really feels about you and the thought of spending the rest of her life with you. Listen more to what she is not saying because those things she is refusing to say are where the real answers are.

If she is the one questing for the relationship, then what happened is inexplicable, something she would forever regret in life if you eventually leave her on account of what happened between this other guy and her. There are certain things that happen in life which are beyond human comprehension; if she is really sorry and you know deep down in your heart that her remorse is real, you may on account of the years you have been together as well as your knowledge of her forgive her. But let her know from this stage that it would take a long time for you to build up the confidence you once had in her. 

If both of you have gotten to that point of sitting down and discussing what would work at this point and what you in particular would find difficult to give, a lot of the confusion and hurt you currently feel will lessen and you would be able to take a firm stance on this matter.

In all these, pause to think of all the tomorrows when the hurt you currently feel would have disappeared and all you would be left with is regrets at not being patient enough to think deeply. To this end, evaluate her worth in your life beyond the issue of her virginity? Was it the only reason you wanted her in your life? The only reason you fell in love with her? Would you in the first place have gone out with her if she weren’t a virgin?

These are the second set of questions you should ask yourself as you consider what your next steps would be. They are very vital in your final decision because if the reason you have always wanted her a wife is the fact of her virginity, then you really didn’t have a relationship in the first place. Your relationship was based on illusion, a mirage that would have vanished sooner or later. Now that she is no longer a virgin, is she different from the woman she once was?

No doubt you are hurting emotionally over this act of betrayal, but what assurances that the next woman would be better? That you would find the right kind of happiness you have found with this woman? How are you sure she would not betray you too?

There are many issues that add up in a marriage and for a man willing to make the best of the choice he has made, must be ready to overlook certain things for the sake of happiness. There is the important issue of how much you both understand each other, her temperament, attitude and level of respect. What about the blend of each other’s dreams as well as power of interpretation involved in getting the other started? For both of you to have stayed together for three years without making love, the cord of your friendship must be very strong, look at all these before you make the final decision.

At this juncture, please it is essential you go to God in prayers because you are in a very delicate period in your life. If you apply might on this fly that perched on the very delicate part of your anatomy you risk more injury to your person. By asking God for divine wisdom, you will be able to take a decision you will forever be happy with.

Good luck.