No respect for the marriage or me

Dear Agatha,

Please, kindly read this patiently and help me out with your sincere counsel.  I don’t want to make a decision I will regret for the rest of my life that is why I decided to write to you for your opinion.

In February this year, I met and started dating a man. He told me of his intentions to settle and I also wanted to settle down too, so we began courting. By May, we did introduction and by July we were married traditionally with plans to do the church wedding later when we could afford it. Now 3 months later, we are both tired of the marriage as we can’t tolerate each other anymore.

Sincerely, it’s partly my fault. I simply wanted to make my mother happy and was also desperate. I also craved for a man who would help me in my Christian journey. 

When we were dating, he attended services regularly and made a show of being God fearing. After the traditional marriage, he stopped going to church and when I tell him we should pray, he would refuse saying it’s not important we pray together.

Even when I the essence of us praying together as a couple,  he would still refuse and say salvation is personal; that I should pray on my own. 

Naturally this upsets me because I hoped for a strong Christian marriage. The only time he ever prayed with me was when I had a very negative dream in which a man was having sex with me and my husband was there with us, watching and enjoying the show. When I woke up, I knew it was a bad omen. I relayed the dream and insisted we prayed together.  At first he refused but when we both came back from work, I reminded him again and he said he doesn’t know what I am going to achieve with the prayer after which we prayed for the first time after three months of marriage. 

Secondly, he doesn’t appreciate anything I do. It seems he married me to be his slave. We live in a place where there is no water and so fetch water from the well. I do everything in the home, including washing of his clothes and he doesn’t assist me at all.

He also doesn’t think he should apologise when he offends me. For instance, about one month ago, he came back from work sick with headache and fever, I told him to give me money to buy drugs for him to take at least so he will go to the hospital in the morning, he refused.  I was worried and kept disturbing him for the money since I didn’t have any money on me, when he didn’t bulge, I taped him a little because he was falling asleep, he rose and said that I was planning to kill him so I can inherit his gratuity, I felt terribly bad and told him he had to apologise to me for that, he refused till date. 

Few days age, he called me a bad person and wife just because I was trying to encourage him to get rid of his marijuana smoking habit which he takes two to three times a week. He once told me that he wanted to stop and pleaded with me to help him in anyway I can. I felt one of the simplest ways is for him to stop mingling with the source and friends who he does it with. I told him to keep away from these persons only for him to accuse me of trying to keep him away from his family members so I can have him to myself. 

What manner of man is this, the one I cannot talk to? Who is insensitive to me who doesn’t care about me or what I feel? 

Agatha, I am 26 years old. Is this the kind of man I am expected to spend the rest of my life with? I can’t even discus issues with him because he will ridicule me.

I even borrowed him the money he used to pay my bride price and perform the marriage rites, and we are living in my apartment because his former apartment is small. Yet, he doesn’t have any form of respect for the marriage or for me? He behaves as if I forced or trapped him into it which I did not, he made his intention known but didn’t have money, he asked me to help him out which I did but now am regretting it all, I wish I had waited for him to have the money first before marrying him maybe I would have been able to escape it all. When we were dating, he never revealed any of these characters and finding the load unbearable.

I am yet to get pregnant. I reminded him that nothing was wrong with both of us that we only had to time my ovulation and that he shouldn’t smoke or drink during that time because of the effect they have on sperm cells. He didn’t change his mind and despite all my pleas, in my very last ovulation, he went to a party his “best friend” who is the major source of the marijuana invited him to, and came back by 11 pm.

I know people will ask if I am without blame.  Sincerely I have high regards and value for marriage and have always wished that God will give me a good man.  I respect him, cook very good meals for him, wash our clothes every Saturday, tidy up the house, make the bed, even take care f him more than myself. Yes, I have negative sides but do I really deserve this punishment all in the name of marriage? He has dirty habits, throws papers, water sachets all over the sitting room, drops his clothes anywhere, I have told him about keeping things where they belong but he says one of the reasons I am his wife is that it’s my duty to clean up the mess, yes I agree but does he have to intentionally punish me? Many times he urinates in my presence in the toilet, urine flows on his hands, when I tell him to wash his hands, he says there is nothing in his urine and that he will wash his hands when he want to bath! Being a medical practitioner, I know the implications of bad personal hygiene. I have told him repeatedly about living healthy, he just doesn’t listen. Because he is extremely good looking, he says that there are plenty of girls that would gladly marry him and that if he didn’t marry me, no man would have married me.

I believe in planning as it helps makes things easier for me but the man I am married to, doesn’t believe there is need for that. He lives in today and is extraordinarily careless with money, he makes decisions that baffles me and actually think like a baby most of the time.

He refused to tell me about his inherited house and land. He says he will only tell me about it when I give birth.   

I have made a resolve that am ready for anything that happens to the so called marriage. Luckily for me, he has been transferred to Port Harcourt. Initially the plan was for me to join him there by the end of the year but the whole thing is scary to me now. I am actually thinking of distant marriage. Maybe from there, God will do the rest and we will be separated since we haven’t done church wedding and he has refused to go to the marriage registry.

It may not be easy as it sounds, since I will have a lot of explaining to do to my family and friend and it will even be a shame on my part for not being able to stay in marriage and the chances of remarriage for me will be very slim but I am really tired and fed up with him and the whole marriage thing. 

I have never enjoyed the benefits that come with marriage. I still live my life as if am still single as I still do virtually everything on my own; even praying. The whole situation has even affected me psychologically as I no longer enjoy sex with him or get turned on. 

I really need assistance and real good counseling and advice. He refused and I stupidly went into the marriage without proper guidance and now see. Please what do I do? None of my family is aware of what is happening and I don’t want to involve them.

Since the marriage and my lending him my whole savings for the marriage rites, it’s as if am at a stand still, I really don’t know where I am, I earn a little more than him presently and so I contribute over half of my income, he doesn’t know how to manage so he is always borrowing from his colleagues. I told him about trying to manage properly and to pray against the habit of borrowing but he says it’s his way of life that I should love him for who he is. Honestly, I don’t know what I feel for him anymore as stress, bitterness and unhappiness has taken over.

I feel a bit better telling this as it has been a very heavy load on my mind. I hope to hear from you soon.

Worried Wife.

Dear Worried Wife,

You simply have to find ways of making this marriage work. Sincerely, there is nothing new in all that you have highlighted. What you have explained is typical of what most women are contending with. There is no perfect marriage only perfect determination to make it work at all cost.

If you allow such things like you have described scare you off marriage, then you are not really ready for the institution at all. Trust me, this is nothing compared to what most women are putting up with. Yes, he is selfish, untidy, doesn’t apologize but unlike some men isn’t violent or abusive. A lot of women who are afraid of what the world would say are enduring worse marriages.

They have learnt to cope through patience and tolerance of who their husbands are.   

Having made the mistake of not asking God before going into this marriage all because you were more concerned about pleasing your mother than your own happiness, learn to cope because the next man may not even have the enduring quality this one has.

There is no ready made marriage, couples work towards achieving whatever level of stability and happiness they have in their union.

These initial irritations are part of foundation laying of any marriage. Don’t forget both of you come from different backgrounds, have dissimilar attitudes and will for a while behave differently until you are both able to understand the technique of balancing in your marriage. 

Yours is also complicated because you were both virtually strangers when you got married. Unlike most couples who had all the time in the world to date, both of you didn’t at all. You rushed into something which ideally should be rushed at all.

So, the adjustment you should have used your relationship period to work at, is what you are doing now including all the other fine-tuning marriage brings along in the lives of married couples.

Living away from your man would only complicate the situation between the two of you. These early times are the very crucial in a relationship. You will only be complicating things if you stay away from him. Go with your husband and give this relationship your very best. Just like we women have our issues with men so do men too have theirs with us.

No sacrifice is too much to make for one’s home and happiness.

Don’t worry, if you learn to think less of yourself and the things you are doing for him and place all your hopes on God, you will achieve greater success in this marriage.

Good luck.