She accuses me of sexually molesting our six-month-old daughter

Dear Agatha,

I met a lady who supposedly was from a Christian home. Her parents are both pastors in the Redeemed Christian Church of God. I met her through a friend in September 2003 and I travelled down to see her for the first time in December of that same year. 

Prior to our meeting, I requested my friend to take her to see my pastor and his wife who immediately had reservation about her. 

My pastor’s wife said she looked desperate, very manipulative and that she is not a wife material. 

She says she never ceases to have this feeling of impending danger anytime she thinks about her. 

The husband said it is not the will of God because it is not possible to marry someone you met over the Internet.

He also said the pastor of the church she attends, in a previous meeting, demonstrated an ungodly character. Even the friend who introduced us later said the girl is not the right choice and started listing some flaws he noticed in her. 

Hearing this, I sent an e-mail to her telling her all I have heard and decided to end the relationship. She replied that she is from a good home; that her parents are both pastors. 

She wondered why I would base my decision on one side of the story. I showed an elderly female friend of mine her mail; this friend said she was genuine. 

Thereafter, I went to pray about it because I was really confused, the response I got from the Lord is, “this lady has tremendous capacity to go all the way” but in retrospect, I did not discern correctly because the Lord looks at us not from where we are now, but at our potentials. 

Despite several warnings from my friend and pastors, I went ahead and reconciled with her. She later told me the reason my friend didn’t like her anymore was because she refused him kissing her. 

As we progressed in the relationship she started asking for money from me. When I met her she was jobless, so I started sending her money ($100) every month via Western Union Money Transfer. In August 2004, she got a job with a soft drink manufacturing company. 

Despite that, she told me to buy her a car.

I took a student loan of $1600 and send it to her to buy a car.  Every year, from 2003 to 2007, I travelled to see her in Nigeria. In 2004 we did the introduction. 

Something significant happened but I ignored the warning sign. My mother gave me $400 to give to her parents and when she learnt about the money, she wanted the money to herself.  

She reported me to her parents that I didn’t want to release the money. However, when they heard my side of the story, her father beat her blue/black.  At that point, I wanted to call off the introduction but the family begged me and I thought she would change or I would be able to change her. She was 28 years old when I met her. 

We did the court wedding in 2005. Being an American citizen, she was able to file for her to join me in America, March 2007. When she joined me in the United States, I went through hell with her, all the warning character flaws; she acted everything out to the maximum. She called the cops on me three times and lied that I beat her that I wanted to kill her. 

Before I left for the U.S., she was pregnant but called me to say her father advised against her getting pregnant since we hadn’t done the engagement according to the customs of the Yoruba. 

The evacuation wasn’t done properly hence we had to see a specialist when she came over to the U.S.

 She was able to eventually conceive and gave birth to a baby girl in April 2008.

We had several problems, the parents were constantly interfering, and she started to keep male friends in Nigeria. In July 2009, she begged me to allow her mother take my daughter to Nigeria for six months so she could save money to buy a car. I reluctantly agreed, only for her to accuse me of sexually molesting my own daughter at six months of age. 

I reported everything happening in my marriage to the pastor of the Redeemed Christian Church of God we were attending; he tried his best but the problems persisted in the marriage. The parents came forward to say the reason we were having problem is because we did not have “a Church wedding.” 

Due to the problems we were having, sex was completely dead between us. Along the line, I started masturbation and pornography to find ease. In November 2009, she went home to connect and did introduction with her former college sweetheart who she once dated in her 200-level at University of Lagos. 

They had sex before she came to the U.S. God actually showed me one morning while I was praying. In April 2010, she filed for divorce and it became official in August 2010. She and this man are now married.

Confused Man.

Dear Confused Man, 

That a man or woman is a pastor or related to one is not enough reason to marry that person. 

Unless God says the person is right, such assumption often than not leads to problems later in a union. No matter how much we try, our inner being still has the power to make us do things our way rather than the way God tells us to do it. 

Many a time, we quote only the sections of the Bible that pays us at that time, ignoring what God is saying about a particular situation or what another passage in the Bible is saying about that same situation.

Well, since she is remarried, there is nothing you can do about it but to move on with your life. Life is like a trading house; you gain here and lose there. 

This marriage was not meant to be from day one but you went into it because you wanted her at all cost in your life. Had you tarried for the voice and desires of God for you, all these would have been avoided. But God knows everything and deliberately allows us go through some difficult and unpleasant situations to learn deeper than others about the complexities of life. 

One major lesson here is not what a person appears to be or his or her family is but who the person really is. You based your acceptance of her on the fact her parents are both pastors. 

Also, you did not bother to ask God properly. Had you gone to him for a confirmation, He would have properly explained to you what He meant by what you thought you heard. 

At any rate, the mistake has been made; the thing is for you not to fall into another mistake. For now, the most important person you have to consider is your daughter. Ensure you are always in touch with the child; if need be, let your parents also get interested in the upkeep of the child. It is the only way you can water-down whatever negative stories your wife and in-laws may tell about you to your child. She is the gain from that relationship so don’t allow her grow without your presence or input. Since the mother is re-married, you could offer to take the child off them. Your mother can always help with the child until she is old enough to go over to the United States.

Another thing is for you to develop a very personal relationship with God. By not allowing whatever happened between the two of you get in the way of your relationship with God and another woman, you end up victorious at the end of the day. Before going into anything new, ask God to help you find your own weak areas. There is no way she alone would destroyed the union without some help from you. Be truthful and accept your own mistakes. 

The essence of this is to avoid making in them in your next relationship. The beauty of life is in our ability to accept our faults and make the vow to change for the better. 

You may not have gained much from this marriage by way of marital bliss but when it comes to the required experience to live with another woman, you have gained in terms of managing a woman’s temperament and all the other emotions that come to play when two people live together.

Perhaps the greatest lesson for you is the necessity of creating time to know who your partner is before taking the final step of matrimony. 

You knew next to nothing about this lady; as a matter of fact, you acted like one desperate to marry at all cost. 

Next time, devote time to knowing who your partner is as well as having your plans on what kind of marriage you want. 

This one failed because you did not prepare for it; did not bother to map out a plan for your marriage at all. This is the reason you picked just any woman to share your life. 

Had you a plan, you would have known from day one if both of you could live together forever. 

First, get over your disappointment, plan your life before looking for a woman who would help you realise your dream in life. This way, you would be able to recognise in any woman the qualities you have in mind in a woman after your heart.

Above all, learn to trust God implicitly.

Good luck.