Dear Agatha,
I am a big fan of your column and I read it a lot, and I can say that I have learnt a lot from the advices you give to people. I have a relationship problem for which I really need your help.
January, this year, I met a girl on a flight. She was heading for United Kingdom while I was going to Austria. We just clicked. We exchanged Facebook contact details and returned to our various destinations. Somewhere along the line I developed feelings for her and sometime around March or April I told her about my feelings via Yahoo messenger.
But before I did this, I had invited her for a wine festival in Austria; to be honest this was just a way to ask her to come visit me. She welcomed the idea, but she said I should visit her first in the UK.
I also had no problem with the idea, but I informed her that since she had a EU passport, she wouldn’t need a visa to come visit me while I would need to apply for a visa since I hold a Nigerian passport. Therefore it would be more straightforward for her to come to visit me. To cut a long story short, I agreed to the idea that I would visit her first before she comes to see me.
It is important to note that at the time we were discussing about visiting each other, we hadn’t developed any feelings for each other. So in March I set a date to visit her in July.
Somewhere along the line I developed feelings for her and in my mind, I concluded that it would be most ideal to let her know about my feelings face-to-face. But the feelings became too strong and one night while we were chatting on Yahoo messenger, I informed her about my feelings. After informing her about my feelings, she said she liked me also. So we decided to start dating each other.
Somewhere along the line, as I got to know her better and realised she was holding back. I discovered it had to do with long distance relationship. Her previous one didn’t work hence her friends advised her against going into another such a relationship.
I assured her of my commitment to her and promised to relocate to the UK, but before I do that, I would need to find a job first. We both understood that the job hunt would take sometime, but I said that the short-term solution would be to visit each other at least once a month. She agreed and said that we should be very cautious with the relationship by taking each day as it comes.
I started the process of looking for jobs in the UK, and to date I have applied for 150 jobs and haven’t been able to get any. I always explained to her the difficulties I was experiencing, and all the rejections I was getting with my applications. She replied that she would be patient, but that as she is 25 she won’t be able to be patient “forever”. Needless to say, it panicked me and determined to resolve the distance issue with any means possible.
I also knew if I waited till July to visit her, it might affect the relationship. So I decided to visit her one-month earlier in June and again in July. After that we agreed she would come to visit me in August.
I was already planning for the future, and was thinking of visiting her in September and October. I decided to buy my air tickets early. But while discussing the duration of the visit, we would have a little argument about how long I should stay. Since I always stay in her flat, she wanted me to stay for only the weekend, while I wanted to stay at least a week. Her argument is that she didn’t want her family raising objections about my long stay. I eventually agreed to her suggestion.
However I became very uncomfortable when she refused to honour her promise to come for a visit in August. She kept giving one excuse or the other why she wasn’t able to come. While I worried if we didn’t speak to each other in a day, she didn’t.
Although our September date almost suffered a hitch due to the decisions of her employer to relief her of her job, I managed to go. I instantly noticed she had changed, she was more distant than my two previous visits…and somehow she took offence at things she previously didn’t mind. This led to some arguments. And it also seems that she took offence with some things we discussed and she didn’t let me know about this.
After the September visit, I returned to Austria and we agreed that she would come in October to visit me as she would be moving to a new town and she won’t have her own place, which meant that I won’t be able to visit her in October. Although it wasn’t the best news for me, I didn’t raise any objection to it as she had anticipated.
After I returned, we talked everyday and it seems that everything was fine, but then exactly one week later, she asked me to come on Skype as we needed to talk.
She said she had been thinking about our relationship and felt we should give it a rest. I asked her why, and she said that there were “some things”, but that the issue with converting to the Catholic Church after we marry is something she didn’t want to do. She is Anglican.
Of course I told her that this may be an issue, but we should be able to find a solution to it later on. And we shouldn’t throw everything we had away just because of the churches we attend. But she was adamant and didn’t want to change her mind…and it seems that whatever I tried to explain to her…she became more defensive. So I ended the call.
The next day I sent her an SMS asking her if she had found another guy, she said that there wasn’t anyone. I asked that we should at least give it a chance. She didn’t reply my SMS until two days later, telling me that she feels that we won’t be able to find any solution in the future and she is sure that later on in life she would regret not raising this issue.
After that SMS I didn’t respond to her and we haven’t spoken for five weeks now. She also removed me from her Friends list on Facebook. She said it was a temporary measure to make things easier as she would still want to be friends but till today I haven’t been added back. I have feelings for this lady, but haven’t heard from her for five weeks. I don’t know if this is truly the end of our relationship. I don’t want to lose her even though I have no idea of how to get her back.
Could you advise me on what you think? Do you think that I still have a chance? Do you think this relationship can be salvaged?
Worried Guy.
Dear Worried Guy,
This lady’s mind appeared made up. There are certain relationships that are not just meant to be. Sincerely, I think this is one of them. You may love her but she appears not to love you as much as you do.
The fact that both of you are not physically together makes management of any crisis between the two of you difficult to resolve. Usually in this kind of relationship, it takes determination and sincerity on the part of the couple to make it work. Also, one person has to give more than the other to keep it going.
At this junction, you have done your bit, given your best to make it work but if she feels that she cannot cope, painful as it may sound, allow her go. The danger of forcing her to do it your way lies in the future. Both of you are still young and have a lot of years ahead of you. It is easy for you to want to locate now but on the long run would you still be happy with the decision? Think about it!
However, if you think she is the right woman for you, make an effort to go and see her in person. Some issues are best discussed and resolved in person. Find time to go to her. It might make a lot of difference if both of you sit down to discuss her real fears because like you guessed, the issue of the church may just be an excuse to mask her real fears and reasons.
Two things are obvious in your letter. Your willingness to submit to anything she says and ability to nag. As a man, this isn’t too good. While true relationship is a partnership, you should be able as the man to hold your own any day. For instance, you didn’t have to go to stay in her place on those days you visited. It wasn’t the ideal because it exposed both of you to situations you should have avoided early in the relationship. There are certain challenges in every relationship that should not come in the early stage else they would scare the couple from moving on especially with you two living some distances away.
This time, if you go, stay in a hotel and refrain from imputing things that are not happening and face the issue at hand.
Don’t despair. If she is yours, no matter what, she will come back. Good luck.
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