Dear Agatha,
I am a young man in my early 30s and presently studying in United Kingdom. I have one daughter from the lady I was supposed to marry but along the line things fell apart.
Before I left Nigeria, she called to let me know she wasn’t interested in the relationship any longer. I begged her because of our daughter, even told her that she will join me in the United Kingdom within four months. But all these fell on her deaf ears as she kept running away from my family and friends.
Eventually, she told me not to call her number again, saying she already has someone she was going to marry. She gave me a number to call whenever I want to speak with my daughter.
For a while I stayed away from women until my body started demanding for a perfect soul mate. Recently, I came across this girl through an online dating networking. She was actually recommended by a friend. We chatted and we seem to like each other. Following this, I decided to visit her in Nigeria. When I got back to the United Kingdom, I started to notice strange things about her. Firstly, she has so many male friends, something I cannot tolerate and secondly she is quite pretty. As a woman I want to spend the rest of my life with, I am not too comfortable with this as I believe that pretty women are prone to having a lot of male friends.
Along the line something happened to underscore my fears; searching through her box, she described her ex, as my baby. When I asked her about it, she said there was nothing to it.
I am the kind of person who doesn’t forgive easily; this she knows since I told her before we agreed to a relationship.
The second incident happened when I caught her giving some one else her number on the social networking site. This totally threw me off. I got to know this because I have her password she obviously forgot to change. She has been crying and begging me to forgive her; that one of her friends requested of her to give this other guy her number to stop him from disturbing her. I was pissed off that she wanted to please her friend more than me. Though we finally got engaged three months ago but I find it difficult to get these memories out of my mind. I am thinking of telling her to go because I don’t want to make mistakes in my life.
Madibo
Dear Madibo,
Have you ever thought on why the mother of your child left you? Why she refused all your pleas to reconsider her stance over your relationship?
Frankly from the tone of your mail, her reason is obvious. You lack the maturity and the forgiveness of heart to make a relationship work.
If you must run a successful relationship, you must learn to appreciate that no man or woman was made perfect by God, we all come with factory defect. Yours is your inability to forgive; a person who finds it difficult to forgive the mistakes of others shouldn’t expect pardon from anyone.
Everything you complained of about this lady are things that are not of her making. Granted you met online but something about her picture on the Internet must have told you that she is a pretty woman. And when you met her for the first time, you recognised her to be a beautiful woman. If you knew deep down, you couldn’t cope with her facial attributes, why didn’t you terminate your interest in her at that point knowing you cannot cope with a fine-looking lady in your life? Is it right to hold her responsible for who she is? Is it her fault that God created her attractive?
There is the need for you to really sit down and reflect on what you want from a relationship and the woman in your life. Get rid of whatever insecurity you have deep inside of you. There is no way you can be happy without you first dealing with this massive insecurity you feel deep inside of you. Time is now for you to go back in time to whatever caused this suspicion for pretty woman in your life. Whatever your experiences were, apply maturity because no two people or situation are alike. In life, it is not what one looks like on the outside that is important; it is what the person is on the inside that matters the most.
You must learn to look beyond who this girl is on the outside to know who she is inside of her. Examine if she has the ability to cope with the peculiarities of your nature, temperament as well as your dreams. At the end of the day, these are what matter the most and not how striking her looks are. For you not to make a mistake with her, devote more time to friendship. This way you get to know her better; find out what her dreams are as well as what she wants in a man she intends spending the rest of her life with.
Through friendship, you encourage her to confide in you, tell you things she would ordinarily not discuss with anybody, know where her weaknesses are as a human being as well as the kind of support to give her to improve on her person.
Like everything in life, you don’t build a relationship from the top it begins from the ground. If you are unable to give this relationship the kind of foundation it needs now to flourish well, you may find it almost impossible to get anything meaningful from this lady as well as the relationship. You just have to learn to trust her implicitly to help her grow love and respect for you. Whatever is it that is giving you insecurity as a man must be dealt with now or you will end up a nag in the marriage! Don’t be afraid to forgive yourself of whatever mistake you have made in the past. By admitting to your mistake, you prepare yourself for the beautiful act of forgiveness. Only the essential oil of forgiveness upon your soul can do the magic for you. There is no self-release from pains, emotional turmoil as well as disappointments without the help of forgiveness in one’s soul. You can only forgive others if you learn how to forgive yourself through the help of God. This way, you will be giving yourself and this woman absolute freedom to love, make mistakes and heal naturally.
Even a baby needs freedom to grow healthily. Don’t make her suffer needlessly for something she didn’t do. Having explained why she still calls her ex my baby as well as the reason she gave another man her contact, let go of it. Your level of seriousness with her will absolutely clear away all the doubts she may have about you. She may also have noticed your lack of trust in her and could be encouraged by her friends not to shut the doors, yet against other men just in case you abruptly end the relationship. You must give her the confidence to belief in your love for her at all times. There is also the need for you to get help through prayers from God, to help you deal with whatever psychological problem you have. Frankly if you are honest, you will discover that once you come out of your shell, a lot of the things you see as faults in her now would be insignificant to you.
Good luck.
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