Guys fume over my rigidity…

Dear Agatha, 
 I am a 23-year-old graduating student of one of the federal universities in the country. I have never really had a boyfriend. Without sounding immodest, I am pretty, light in complexion, slim and have a pointed nose, which I know is not common to Africans. 

The guys have actually been coming since my first year in the university. Some of them are workers but I refused because accepting was going to distract me and I discovered that when I accepted to make them just friends, they were still making advances and inviting me to their houses, which I refused. 

Some of them when they discovered I was the kind of girl they thought I was, stayed away. The ones I liked I tried to keep as friends by calling and asking after their welfare. In the cause of all these, some of them began to develop hatred for me, that I am too rigid and don’t have a heart at all. 

In all I really liked one of them who asked me out but I felt I was too naïve and a fresher, considering he was graduating then. Although we still kept contact until mid this year when he came to the city where my school is located on official visit and said he wanted to see me. 

I honoured the invitation but as usual, he was to busy with meetings that he did not have enough time for me instead he asked his cousin to make me comfortable. In fact, it was his cousin who picked me from the park. They both insisted that I pass the night but I refused. 

He had earlier promised he was going to see me during Xmas holiday, since I was always complaining he didn’t have my time. The following day out of annoyance at his attitude I sent an SMS telling him never to call to say he wants to see me when he knows he won’t have time for me. Since then he has not called me till date. 

I narrated this story just to tell you that it seems that I have lost the one friend I love. So what becomes of me now after graduation? No boyfriends, no husband, considering some of my friends are married. Life can really be lonely at times; I know what it means to be alone and you hear friends talk about their latest guys and you just pretend not to hear them. I need advice on how to really start this new phase of life I am about to enter and what do you think about this friend I am about to lose? Should I forget about him?
Angela

Dear Angela, 

This friend of yours is only following the instructions you gave him. He has not said it is over, you told him not to call you again.

If you have changed your mind about him, call him to apologise for the message you sent him. Tell him you desire to continue with him. But you must be sure you can cope with him and his official schedule.

A man his age, struggling to make a career out of his profession is bound to put in extra time to get noticed for promotion. As his woman, if you are constantly nagging him for doing what he is being paid to do, don’t understand that life is about seasons, cannot give him the kind of support he needs now to build a strong foundation for the days ahead, don’t bother to call him because you would only end up hurting both of you. He needs a woman ready to pay the sacrifice of this moment of struggle and proper foundation laying stage.  Relationship is not just about keeping each other’s company, but also being able to formulate the kind of life that would give a couple joy and peace later down the road.  Try putting yourself in his shoes; think of how you would feel if the man in your life cannot understand your dream; complains about the time you put into your career building and showing it to you that he cannot compete with your career? Don’t you think that would set you thinking of what kind of life you lay ahead of both of you cause you to fear for a future between the two of you?

That text message must have had the same effect on him, caused him to pause and reflect on the kind of woman you would be as well as the quality of support to expect from you. If he is the introspective kind of man, chances are that the tone of your message would make him consider his interest in you. Not many men can withstand a woman who does nothing but nag. 

Besides, there is the need for you to at all time control your temper. Granted that it could be so frustrating for any woman to have gone to visit her man and not have his attention, but you should have carefully considered your reactions before sending him that message. The fact that he detailed his cousin to keep you company showed that he cared and knew that you would be lonely but limited by the official assignment he came for.  So, you simply have to sit back and think of your own dreams first. What kind of man do you want in your life, the kind that would help you support your dream? 

Don’t contact him unless you know you have the maturity, ability and capacity to make it work.

As you begin a new phase in your life, learn to plan and approach things with maturity. Don’t act before thinking; always think before you act. Also be firm about issues that bother on your integrity as a woman and person. By this, ensure friendship in every relationship you enter into. Love without friendship is very cold. Friendship is what brings the glow and warmth into a relationship. Beyond all, place God above who and what you are. 

Even if at the end of the day, you decide not to continue with him, you owe him an apology. Call him in the spirit of friendship to apologise. 

Good luck.