I am a regular reader of your column and can say that I have learnt a lot from the advice you give to people.
I really need your help on how to move on with my new lover. Last year, I wrote to you informing you of the problem I was having with my ex-fiancée, who dumped me after I did so much for her.
You told me to move on with my life. When I told my brother based in United States about my decision as well as my resolve not to marry anyone from Nigeria. He therefore introduced me to the daughter of one of his family friends based in the United Kingdom.
That was a year ago. We have been communicating in the last one-year. When we started, she expressed her reservations over long distant relationship but I assured her it would work; that what was most important is our focus and love for each other. We have been chatting on the internet and phone and I have not wasted time in telling her what I want from her; to be the mother of my children, because I am not getting any younger. I am 32 year of age while she is 24.
Along the line, she stopped calling me the way she used to. I also decided not call her as often as I was. I felt she didn’t really love me the way I love her. About four or five months ago, her father died. She again resumed calling frequently. We subsequently agreed to meet in Nigeria for the burial, but I couldn’t make it because I was really busy here. When she returned from the burial, she told me many guys indicated interest in marrying her. She told me none of them appealed to her. To cut the long story short, I asked her to give me a date when my people would begin the formal thing. She told me anytime we were ready, but said we should begin to live together.
I told her it wasn’t expedient for me since I was trying to grow my business in China but promised that I would come over the United States for three months to stay with her. This is also to enable me set up a business there. She was in complete agreement with me over this.
We agreed to commence marriage rites this month. When I called her to discuss something with her, she was sounding strange, not like the woman I know. When I asked what the problem was, she brought up again the issue of long distant relationship. Knowing that we had already addressed this issue, I was turned off and told her that we have to talk it over again but this time not through the phone. That it would be better we discuss it when we see.
Since I sensed something more to it, I asked why she was bringing up the issue we had already discussed and resolved. She said her friends are warning her against it. For two days now we haven’t spoken too well.
Agatha, do you think she has changed her mind about marrying me? Please tell me how to make her understand that it is not easy to just change my base like that. I really love her very much. If I fail to marry her, it will be hard for me to love again. I really love and want her.
Worried Lover.
Dear Worried Lover,
Life is a journey of mystery and absolute submission to the Will of the Almighty. There is nothing you can do on your own if God isn’t in it. To do that would be to fail.
As it is, there is the need first for you to go God and pray before going ahead with this marriage. You have to do everything within you to reconcile with your creator and the Rector and establisher of this institution you are going into.
From the attitude of this lady, there are a lot of outstanding issues both of you have to get right if you in particular is to derive happiness from this arrangement. It is obvious she is not convinced about her feelings for you. Without this personal conviction on her part that on this marriage, she will never be able to give you what you deserve as her husband.
Love isn’t something you force; it is something that must develop naturally to make it durable and everlasting. It is also something the two people must really agree on to ward off third party intervention.
It isn’t also something you go into with an abstract. As it stands now both of you only exist on each other’s imagination. Beyond what you both discuss on the phone, she is complete stranger to you just as you to her. You both would be marrying imaginations of each other because you haven’t really had time to meet and discuss as two persons who want to spend the rest of their lives together.
For instance, what do you know about her as a person? Can you tell her behaviour from the crowd, her reactions or temperament when certain situations occur? What if you marry her and discover she isn’t your kind of woman in the first place? Sincerely, agreeing to marry when your relationship has only existed on the Internet and phone isn’t ideal. You are both jumping the gun. Marriage is more serious than you in particular are taking it to be. There is no way you marry a woman without a slight knowledge of the kind of woman you intend to spend the rest of your life with.
This may actually be her concern. Having reflected deeply, she may have come to the realisation that she would be taking an undue risk with her future to agree to a marriage to a complete stranger. Whether you like it or not, you are both strangers to each other. That you communicate everyday on the phone doesn’t make both of you less of strangers. She is more introspective because as a woman, once the mistake is made, the journey of rediscovery is often more tedious than for a man.
Like you said, both of you must come together not to plan a wedding but to iron out the huge areas of differences as well as confusions about the character of your persons.
For instance, you both have to leave your impression of each other and move into reality mode. No matter how civilised the world becomes, there are still basic things a man need in his woman and home. These are things you cannot tell if she has through your telephone conversation. On the outside, she may be an ideal wife material to people who recommended her to you but you may discover she isn’t really your kind of woman at the end of the day.
She may, on seeing you in person, become irritated by your appearance. These are issues you both have to get cleared before you can move on or think of making your relationship permanent.
When you meet her, first of all discuss your relationship and plans with all the honesty it deserves. Remember, this is your future that is on the line. Marriage is not how long but how well. Be grateful that you are experiencing these minor hiccups now and not after marriage. It is always better to manage issues before a marriage becomes official than to when the lines have been signed. Such post marital failures become so profound and incapacitating to the individuals involved.
Truthfully, this is not the time for you to get angry or question her love for you. She may actually be in love with you but is afraid of the risk of planning a marriage with someone she hardly knows.
For this reason both of you may have to delay whatever you plan for this Christmas. Instead use this period to get to know yourselves. Get to discover the persons behind the telephone conversations as well behind the masks you both project to the world.
This is your marriage, not your brother’s or her family’s. If both of you are unable to grow the marriage eventually the failure would be yours. Don’t allow the disappointment of your former relationship make you become desperate at all.
By allowing the will of God prevail, you give yourself rest of mind and freedom from future regrets.
Good luck.
Posts
No comments:
Post a Comment