Dear Agatha,
I am 22 years of age and mother of one. I have dated the father of my son for seven years now. Another lady also has a child for him. My son is the older child. The fact that he got another lady pregnant while I was nursing his child killed any emotional feelings I had for him.
But I don’t know how to end the relationship, tell him how I now feel about him. To be candid, this experience has put me off men generally. Unfortunately, his family members love me so much, one of the reasons I feel so helpless in ending the relationship since I don’t want to hurt them. Please help me.
Confused Lady.
Dear Confused Lady,
Don’t make the mistake of conducting your relationship on sentiments. To continue in a relationship where you are no longer happy, don’t have feelings for your partner is to cause yourself future pains, serious ones that might misunderstanding between you and his people who out of loyalty to their son may queue behind him.
No matter how nice his people are, he is the person you are going to live with and once you have lost feelings and respect for him, it would be difficult for you to relate with him as your man. Considering the hurt and disappointment you nurse deep inside of you against him, the pains of his betrayal of you, the constant reminder of that betrayal in the person of the child, you may not be able to withstand his presence for a long time. For you to go on as before you have to release yourself from this through forgiveness. Until you are able to move beyond this point, tell him what you think of his betrayal and your attendant decision to go, at least for now.
At any rate, since you both have a child between you, you would still have the opportunity to interact with those family members who like you, as your child would always be a link between you and them.
By refusing to tell him, you are only postponing doom’s day, not just for him but also for yourself in particular. As it stands you cannot move forwards as long as you haven’t severed emotional ties with him.
Besides, you must also be careful you don’t allow the situation between you two deteriorate before taking the steps you want to take. This is important because of the child between the two of you.
The best way to tell him is to say the truth. Let him know how much his act of betrayal has affected you and how you may, at least for now, not want to continue with the relationship.
This way, he knows where he stands as well as what to do to either win back your trust or allow you go for good.
But it is also important you think beyond what is happening now between the two of you. Granted he has stabbed you in a way you think is unpardonable, what circumstances led to this other woman in his life? What arrangements do both of you have? Was your baby planned or did it happen because you wanted to use it to trap him into marrying you?
Who is the other woman? Has she always been around or is she new? How did her baby too happen and what were the reactions of your man and his family? Has he always been a Casanova?
This relationship started when you were 15 years of age. At that age you really didn’t have the right understanding of what you were going into? Probably didn’t plan for it to be everlasting. In all these years, how much improvement and upgrading have you two being able to introduce into the relationship? Being young and inexperienced, you may not know what is expected of you hence may have done certain things to make him seek solace elsewhere. Though not an excuse but men are fluid and at the age he is probably given to your state age, may want to exercise the freedom of being young and available to women. Impregnating another woman could be a mistake of one moment of weakness on his part. Think ahead, would it matter so much to you later in future as it does now what he has done? What if you leave him and the next man you are going to marry does the same thing to you would you also walk out of that relationship?
Don’t forget that you are no longer a teenager. You are now a young woman whose needs, desires and dreams are more profound and near reality than the imaginary ones of a pubescent. For this reason, sit down and look at your own faults too. Like I have always said, just like it takes two to tangle, it takes two also to destroy. Granted one of the parties may have the larger fault, it’s a fact that without the slight assistance of the other, complete breakdown of confidence in a relationship cannot occur.
Your current anger may also be as a result of your early entry into motherhood. At 22, many of your peers are still single and enjoying the early stages of their youths not making babies and caring for one. The fact that you are burdened with caring for a baby while he is free to play in the field could be a hidden reason for your anger. If this is the case, you simply have to learn to live with the situation because you cannot change what has happened. Another man you go out with is culpable of making the same assumptions in the process of the two of you dating.
Be sure your anger isn’t misdirected. Be practical in your decisions and reasons for making them. There is no relationship without challenges, sacrifices as well as painful choices. These are things we must all experience to get to the destination of our happiness in every relationship. We must learn to lose gracefully to gain joyfully.
Do an overview, it might help in some ways to change the way you feel about him and could make you to actually have a re-think of the action you are about to take.
A lot of things we considered an issue turn out to be one of those things as we age. To avoid regrets down the road of life, take time out of it all to think; go away from him and everything familiar for a little while. This will help give you clearer picture into the choice you are about to make as well as how much you would miss not having him around you.
Since there is a baby involved, be sure you won’t be tempted in later years to go into his arms because that would be very dangerous for your peace of mind as well as any attempt to continue with your life. Ensure your feeling for him is completely dead if you decide to leave him.
Please pray about it and allow the will of God prevail.
Good luck.
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