I am a big fan of your column. In November 2009, l met a guy, who cared so much for me. When I got admission into the university, he brought a lot of things for me.
Our problem started the day he asked me to make love to him, because I have never had sex. I left never to come back to him. One day when l came back from school, l saw him waiting for me. He asked me to come back, but I never did, because I failed to see any future with him. One day, he called to say he wasn’t feeling fine. I honestly thought it was a ploy to make me come to see him, hence I refused to go.
However, when I saw his brother days later, he told me about his deplorable state of health. I joined his brother to pick him up from the pharmacy that day and when I called in the night to explain myself to him, I couldn’t because of his health condition. You can imagine my pains and regrets when I called in the morning to hear the saddening news that he passed on that night. Since then I haven’t been able to forgive myself. The truth is that I loved him but he didn’t fit into the kind of life my parents always wanted for me.
Not long after his death, his brother asked me out. Regrets, pains and sorrow over the death of his brother made me to accept his proposal. And to avoid making the same mistake I made with his brother, I agreed to sleep with him and everybody is now saying we would bring bad luck to each other if we don’t stop. Is it true?
Worried Girl
Dear Worried Girl,
I don’t know about you two bringing bad luck to each other but morally, it isn’t right. When did your boyfriend die? You and this brother of his owe his memory some respect. What do you want people to think of the two of you? There are a lot of people who would think that you both had been going out long before your boyfriend died. How many people do you intend telling that you and the late boyfriend didn’t go intimate and that you quarreled with him for asking you to sleep with him?
Even if you feel anything real for yourselves, the timing of your emotions is wrong and leaves sour taste in the mouth. Both of you didn’t act well at all; this is probably why everybody is alluding to bad luck for the two of you.
Even if the brother didn’t see anything wrong in asking the girlfriend of his late brother out, being the woman, you should turn him down especially as you and your late boyfriend weren’t exactly on good terms before his death.
One thing that would help you in life is not to bulk pass. You slept with him because you wanted to and not out of a sense of guilt at your treatment of his late brother. You didn’t have to sleep with him if you didn’t want to.
The issue now is what you intend to do with the relationship. Do you intend to keep it going as compensation for the loss of his brother or admit to yourself what you really feel for this man?
While it is expedient for both of you to give yourselves space to tidy up your acts and to properly mourn the dead, it is equally necessary for you to really evaluate your feelings for this man. You must know what you feel for him as well as what he feels for you. Since both of you have crossed the Rubicon in terms of sexual adventure, a relationship, irrespective of whatever anybody feels has been established. Therefore, you as the woman must take the necessary steps in determining how much of this feeling he claims to have for you come from his heart as well as the one that come from his imagination.
You also have to perform the same exercise on yourself. Would you have really gone out with him if it hadn’t been for his brother? Is he the kind of man you would be happy with? What are your true feelings for him, considering the fact that you didn’t think twice before giving him your virginity? At this juncture in your life, learn to be honest with yourself as well as the situation you have found yourself.
Importantly, learn more on God in this matter because He sees what we don’t see and knows what we don’t know.
What is required is for both of you to be honest, responsible and sensitive to the potency of time.
Good luck.
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