I’m 38 years and my wife is 37. We have been married for the past five years and have two lovely daughters.
However, recent events in my life have raised a lot of questions I find difficult to answer.
Though these are not recent developments, I am no longer comfortable with the situation in my home. In the beginning, my parents refused to allow me marry her but for my love for her, I resisted my family’s pressure and married her. That initial rejection of her pitched her against my family and since then she complains about every little thing any member of my family does to her. She has refused to forgive them. Even when I manifest some level of magnanimity to forgive any of her family members who offend me, she has bluntly refused to extend same hand of fellowship to my family members. Often the act of defending her pitched me against my immediate family. Every effort I make to talk her into manifesting a forgiving spirit has proved abortive.
She also has the habit of choosing when to say good morning to me or not, even when there is no problem or quarrel between us. On some occasions that I had raised this, her response had been whether it is a crime if I greet her first. To ensure this doesn’t create any problem in the family, I either greet her first or I ignore her and continue my day without making any fuss over her conduct.
Recently, she developed the habit of beating her cousin staying with us; accusing her of negligence and all that. She expects this 13 year old to know and do all the housekeeping chores. If the girl does not remember to do any of these chores, there would be shouting and beating of the girl that day. I have often tried to correct her to take it easy with the girl, to no avail. I have been careful in my intervention to avoid being accused of having interest in the girl. However, my concern is she is also guilty of the same things she beats this girl for. Consider this; our daughter of two years urinated on the bed in our room one night. I put a rubber mat under her with a wrapper to soak the urine before she slept. In the morning, I woke her up, bathed her and put her in her school bus before going to work. In the evening when I came back, I observed that the wrapper soaked with urine with the rubber mat were still on our bed. When I asked her why she didn’t remove them from the bed, she told me she had been searching for the wrapper and asked why I didn’t fold the rubber mat when I carried the girl out of the bed in the morning. Interestingly she slept on that bed in the afternoon. This is one out of many acts of negligence she manifests. When asked why she didn’t do certain things, her response is always why I didn’t tell her to do them. So the expectation of her using her initiative always fails.
Some days ago, she asked me for permission to use part of the money from her account for her personal use. I asked if that permission was necessary since she has often collected money from there without my permission. Her response was that since we have made a budget for the month, she knows using the money will affect our budget and so needs my permission to go into the account. I allowed her. However, the following day she told me she was going to the market to buy some gift items for some people. I thought the money she collected two days before, part of which she asked to use was still available. So I didn’t give her money as she didn’t ask for it though she knew I had good money with me that day. I left to go out and buy some newspaper for the day and saw her driving in the direction opposite the market that she was supposed to have gone.
When she came back and we were going for the wedding she needed the gifts for, I asked what she went to do in the direction I saw here. To my shock she said she went to collect cash from an ATM. When I asked if she didn’t go to the bank the day she told me she was going to the bank and also why she didn’t collect money from me that morning instead of going to the bank, she didn’t answer. I also asked why she didn’t request permission this time around before withdrawing money, she still didn’t answer and has since then stopped speaking with me.
Now, there is this neighbour of ours whose office is close to mine and her husband is out of work that I have been giving a lift since the beginning of last year. Occasionally we work late and anytime either of us is working late, I always phone my wife ahead to explain why we would be returning late.
To be honest with you, there is nothing immoral going on between us and my wife knows as I feed her with most things we discuss any day. You won’t believe my wife is planning on how to fight this woman. Her reason is that since the mother of this lady left her first husband to remarry, chances are this woman too could be planning on leaving her husband to marry me. We have been on this issue since March last year. Having suffered unemployment myself, I know what it is like to be unemployed. I also extend the same considerations to her husband whenever he has to go out in search for work and this couple is ever appreciative of my assistance to them.
This woman told me her family background herself and vowed that since her mother-in-law stood against their marriage because of this reason; she will do everything within her to prove her wrong despite whatever she may suffer in her husband’s hand. Honestly, I admire her for the courage but is it fair for my wife to fight her for a thing she didn’t cause? My wife knew of this before the woman told me. I don’t know how to tell the woman to stop following me. Also, if we have anything together, will that stop us from continuing?
I am confused because correcting her is always interpreted as blaming her. What do I do?
Enajplg.
Dear Enajplg,
If telling this couple you will not longer be able to assist the woman any longer is the only way to have peace in your home and stop this innocent woman from public embarrassment from your wife, do it. You don’t have to give her the real reason for your actions but being a woman herself, she would probably guess it.
Considering the gossip associated with what your wife plan to do and how it would negatively affect her home, she would in time come to thank you for such maturity. See it as your way of helping her to save her marriage from unwarranted suspicions from even her husband who may after a while come to view your assistance to his wife as a masquerade for something deeper.
When a woman is bent on making trouble with another woman over her husband, it is best for the man at the centre of it all to do everything within his powers to avoid such ugliness especially since the woman involved is not only married but your neighbour whose husband happens to be currently unemployed. The evidence of the situation would make a lot of people actually question your gesture towards her irrespective of how innocent you both are.
Definitely it would hurt you considering the sympathy you actually feel for this couple but the health of your marriage at this point should be your major concern. Like you rightly pointed out, it may not stop the presumed secret relationship between the two of you, but it would stop your wife from embarrassing you and this woman in the process of protecting her territory.
As for her other habits, there is nothing you can do but to continue to put up with them. By agreeing to marry her despite the opposition of your family towards the relationship, you unwittingly agreed to accommodate her behaviour as well as attitude. To back out of it now would be to give victory to those members of your family who saw ahead of you, who knew from day one that she won’t give you the kind of happiness you deserve.
One thing is definite about life, there is no perfect situation but absolute determination to make a bad situation work. Marriage is one of those situations in life where only a strong- willed strength of mind is required to make it work. That she is disappointing you, doesn’t translate to failure or giving up on the marriage for that matter. It only means that you simply have to devise means of making it work for both of you.
Marriage is like working at getting the right patent for something you cherish. Your staying power is never to focus on what is happening now but to always keep in view your reason for choosing her above all the other women that you came across before you married her.
The attitude you have adopted is the best way to deal with someone like her. By ignoring her, you make unimportant issues she thinks is a big deal. The child in question is your daughter. Continue, if you have the time to care for her. Children have a way of repaying loyalty and neglect. By the time she realises the implication of her actions, her daughter’s mind may have been made up against her. Overtime she would definitely come to realise her mistakes and begin to act her role as a wife.
All you have to do is to continue to pray for her to have a change of attitude so she can be the kind of woman you need in your life.
Good luck.
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