His smoking habit irritates me…

I am a 20-year-old girl. I don’t and have never had a boyfriend. But there is this particular boy that has been disturbing me for a relationship.

There is no denying the fact that I love him but there is a draw back, he has some very irritating habits, like smoking which I don’t like.

Besides, I don’t know if he loves me as he proclaims. 

Please advise me because I am very confused.  

Sarah.

Dear Sarah, 

Don’t do anything you would later regret. Since you have discovered these habits this early, best you keep your distance. At 20, you have a whole life ahead of you, one that you need to plan very well towards.

Getting entangled with the wrong person this early in your life would leave you completely disenchanted about life. You don’t need that sort of initiation at all. 

Unless he is very willing and determined to change there is nothing your love can do for him except to tolerate the situation. From experience nagging, fighting, and quarrelling never solves the problem of smoking or drinking. Rather it only makes the person more determined to continue in his or her habits. Social habits such as smoking and drinking requires more than love to defeat. The person who has the problem must have a concomitant will to stop. It doesn’t stop at such people knowing the health implications associated with their habits but developing the steeled will to stop. 

So it goes beyond you telling him you are not interested in his offer because of his habit but that of him developing immunity to these habits. It would require extreme patience and self-suffering on your side if you decide to go with him. 

Chances are he may tell you he would stop, for the simple reason of having you in his life. But the decision to believe him or not is yours to make. Would your love him enough to help you overcome the attendant discomfort, unhappiness and regrets that accompany these social vices? Would the love you have for him be strong enough to make up for the social inconveniences partners of people with social vices face?

Think deeply. Think about your dreams, your visions, including those you are already having on behalf of your children. How would his social habits promote or devalue these dreams? You need to examine all angles to this issue before making a clear decision, else you would end up being so unhappy, a situation which even love cannot remedy.

If you do decide to go, don’t blame him or anyone for whatever challenge you encounter with him or try to change him because you knew what you were going into before agreeing. 

People with these social habits refuse to give up their habits on the grounds that their complaining partners knew they were into such habits when they agreed to a relationship with them.

You would never have any reason to condemn him or desire to change him since he didn’t deceive you into the relationship by pretending not to have these vices.

You would need to get close to him to determine if his love for you is real or not. 

Good luck.