He saves his ex’s phone with his surname

Dear Agatha,
Please, help me. My fiancé had an affair with a lady in school who got pregnant for him. The lady didn’t inform him about the pregnancy until after she has delivered of the baby. My boyfriend accepted to take the baby without having anything to do with the mother. He told her to stay away from him. He was very aggressive and angry with her when she made attempts to call him on his phone.
You can therefore imagine my reactions when I went through his phone and discovered not only the lady’s number but also saved it with his surname.
What should I do?
Worried Girl.

Dear Worried Girl,
Trust has been breached on all fronts in this relationship. When a man and woman go into the bedroom, the outcome of that decision results in one conclusive end – a new baby.
While the lady betrayed trust by refusing to tell your boyfriend about the impending baby, your fiancé cannot be absolved of any blame. Protection isn’t only the responsibility of the lady; it is the joint responsibility of the two persons performing the act. When a man makes love to a woman without protection, such a man cannot claim to have been forced into premature parenthood by the woman. The moment he agreed to or failed to insist on protection at the point of lovemaking means he would accept all the consequences. So there is no way you can stop this man from seeing his child or having anything to do with the woman who gave birth to the child.
He may not have planned or bargained for a baby but it hasn’t changed the fact that he fathered that child.
To insist he must not have anything to do with the mother of the child is being unreasonable and whatever name he decides to save the number of the lady is his choice not yours. No matter how much you detest it, they have become essential part of his life irrespective of whether you came before them or not. What should be of concern to you now is how to conduct your relationship with him not making trouble over his relationship with this woman and baby. The danger of making such a mistake would be too much for you to bear in the long run.
When complications like this occur, the woman in the house or in a man’s life require wisdom to win the war especially if a child is involved.
That child has put you in a major disadvantage and any attempt on your to make trouble could lead to you and your boyfriend going your separate ways.
Don’t even let him know you went through his phone because if he were looking for an excuse, it would be a perfect one to make trouble with you. Truthfully you have no right to go through his phone. That phone is his, not yours. While the argument is often that when two people are in love, they must share everything, realistically, it is a theory that cannot work perfectly because of our nature as human beings.
By nature, no matter how deeply in love we are, there is a part of us we like to keep hidden in our hearts. To avoid falling fowl of your partner’s trust of leaving personal effects in one’s care, it is always best never to search through those things without first obtaining his or her consent. To do so is to declare one’s unworthiness of that person’s trust as well as one’s unsuitability to trust.
Yes, we get to know certain things through snooping around but these are evidences one cannot flaunt the sources publicly without calling to question one’s own reliability to be trusted.
How do you explain to him your source of information? Do you think he would ever trust you again?
Before you even begin to challenge him, it would be best you first of all consider your options and endurance level. In the first instance, do you trust this man? This is crucial if the baby and its mother came during your relationship with him. It is another matter altogether if their relationship with him predates yours in which case you have to be careful on the volume of noise you make to avoid the other lady feeling bad over the man’s choice of you over her. Can you really cope with a stepchild? How much do you love this man and all his excesses? Do you think you have enough love to cancel the problems of having a stepchild and its mother? Do you have enough love to give this child? Are you secured enough in your man’s love not to maltreat this child or nag your husband?
These are questions you must first of all tackle before going to the man with your reservations. This is because a lot of the work depends on your attitude and peace of mind at the development. There is no way you will ever be happy enough to discharge your responsibility towards this man and child if you have deep rooted resentment for both of them.
Happiness and peace are the essential ingredients to make the impossible seem very easy.
You have to apply wisdom even if you suspect the other woman planned everything to happen this way. The wisdom is accepting them as part of your man’s life and demanding without bitterness the terms of relationship especially where the interest of the child is concerned. The child is an innocent party in all these and if you plan to be a permanent feature in the life of the man, then you have to be very careful how you handle the matter because whatever you do now would affect not only your relationship with the man but also with the child now and in the future.
The knowledge that this child has a permanent link with the father should inform you on how to handle this matter. There is no way this man would ever deny his child or the child’s mother. Even if the man doesn’t want to have anything to do with the mother of that child now, in future he would be forced to submit to the pressures and manipulation of this child. So it is in your interest you find a positive way of ensuring harmony between all parties so that you would not end up being the victim at the end of the whole drama.
Despite all the other problems he has, for him to have accepted the child and its responsibility without denying having the woman and the baby shows a man passionate about a child. It also shows a man who is responsible and fair-minded.
If you talk reasonably to such a man, he would understand your fears. Just ask him about his plans for the mother of the child. Demand to know what he feels for the mother of the child. Give him the freedom and opportunity to be truthful to you and believe in his words. Above all you have to be confident in yourself, his love as well as in your relationship. It may not be easy given what has happened but determination is priceless in situations like this.
Help him put a firm definition to his life. Even if at the end of the day you are the one who exits in his life, it won’t be to your inability to accommodate this child and mother but to the will of God.
Good luck.