Plans to marry me, yet lives with her boyfriend…

I need your advice on this issue concerning a lady I so much love with all my heart.

But this is what she did. Granted she has been dating and living with this man before I knew her. But when we met, she said she would want to settle down with me and she packed all her things to my house but kept staying in her former place. 

However, I found out that she was actually staying with her former boyfriend. She denied the allegation, when I confronted her with it. 

Agatha, I have spent a lot on her. I also found out from a former friend of hers, who happens to be my colleague that due to complications, she won’t ever be able to have a child. To be sure the information is right, I took her to see my doctor who confirmed it.  

I really don’t want to lose her; neither does she want me to go. But I recently packed all her belongings to her telling her I am no longer interested in the relationship. She has sent all her family members to plead on her behalf but I refuse to accept their plea.

However, I would want you to advise me on what to do because we really love each other and can’t get her out of my system.

Martins.

Dear Martins, 

If you really love her and can’t get her out of your system, why are you reluctant to listen to her pleas as well as those of her family members? 

The ball is in your court. You are the one wearing the shoes, know what you want from life; know your capacity and your limitations. You are also the one who would live with her, so the decision is ultimately yours to make. 

But take into consideration the issue of trust. It is important. Though it may look unimportant, don’t count much now, but it would however come to play as time goes on when you would need to trust her on certain important issues and incidents. It would get to a point when love would no longer matter so much as having a partner you can always rely on at all times.

How would you cope and feel if later in life an incident that bothers on absolute trust for your partner comes up? Knowing her antecedent, would you be able to stick out your neck, vouch for her credibility? Would you ever be able to trust absolutely in the company of other men? Would you ever find the type of happiness that matters to you in a marriage? For that matter would you ever be comfortable knowing that her inability to give you a child is something that she brought on herself?

These are real issues you should not allow sentiment eclipse you to because they always come to play and have the enormous capacity to destroy a relationship. 

If you don’t tackle them before you go very far, the anxiety you currently fear of losing her would be nothing compared to the pains and regret of the decision to go ahead with the relationship. 

Because we all have the ability to change from whatever way we are used to, call her and explain the fears you exercise over the viability of your relationship. Itemise everything you have observed about her and how those things are making you very apprehensive and fearful of continuing with the relationship. 

Hear what she has to say. In the recess of your mind, objectively examine her response, be realistic about the things you know are visible at least for now, make up your mind on the time you would give her to change appreciably for you to have the necessary confidence in her. 

Convinced of her willingness to change, you can go ahead provided you have the patience, understanding and presence of mind to help her but if you doubt her readiness to leave her former ways, don’t allow sentiment to blindfold you to do what is expedient to your peace of mind. 

Let her know that you still love her but that it isn’t strong enough to convince you of her willingness or ability to change for the better. 

To minimise the mistakes you would make, learn to trust God at all times.

Good luck.