He beats me up for his sister…

Dear Agatha, 

My husband and I live in their family house. Recently his sister and I had a disagreement, which degenerated into a physical combat. When my husband came back, he took side with his sister by slapping me. 

Now I want to pack out of the house and get a divorce. I need your help.

Disappointed Wife.

Dear Disappointed Wife, 

Don’t pack out on account of what happened between you and your sister-in-law. Even though your husband behaved harshly by slapping you, it takes two to make a situation right, just as it takes two to worsen an already bad situation.

I can understand how frustrating staying in a family house can be for you, especially the lack of privacy and the number of his family members you have to put up with every day. But with a lot of maturity, you can avoid certain situations like fighting.

To be very sincere with you, given the situation at hand, there is no way he would have supported you while you are both tenants in his family house. To have done that would be putting you into more difficult situation than you are already.

The moment you agreed to come and live with him in his family house, you mortgaged your happiness and freedom to do whatever you like with your husband and marriage. No matter how nice and appealing the situation was in the beginning, you should have insisted before you married him to get himself an accommodation even if it’s a room. By agreeing to go and live with him in his family house, you unwittingly agreed to whatever it shall take you to live with him and other members of the family. It is unfortunate that this is happening but it has given you a reason to reconsider your stay in that house as well as put subtle pressure on your husband to rent apartment.

If you make good your threat to pack away from his house and end the marriage, you would be helping to fulfill the desire of those members of his family who have always thought you aren’t good enough for him. 

Marriage is a journey of painful sacrifices and adjustments. When a woman gets married, she has to learn for her own peace as well as stability of her home, master the politics of marrying her interest with those of her in-laws. Whether you like it or not, these people have always been part of his life; therefore cannot be divorced from him, whereas, on the other hand, you can decide to leave him just like you are contemplating now or he you. 

As unpleasant as this may sound, it is the reality. Hence the need for you as the new comer to the family to be smart and wise at all times, especially as you are living with the whole gang. 

In this kind of situation, learn to be warm to everybody while mastering the act of keeping your thoughts and emotions to yourself. Familiarity in this kind of place will expose you to unpleasant situations you don’t want. it will encourage gossips, quarrels, jealousy and backbiting. 

Be smart enough to know this is also not the kind of environment you antagonise your husband unduly. The place you are in doesn’t permit you to be disrespectful, disobedient to your husband or complain at all, because his family members would tag you a nag.  

Life is a wholesome process. There is nothing new under the sun. What you are experiencing is something a woman too has gone through in your family. Any family that has a son must have caused one or more women to cry either openly or secretly. 

You just have to exercise patience like majority of women are doing to make this marriage work. What you are going through is what would give your marriage the character and attributes. 

Even if you end this one, do you know the kind of in-laws you are going to meet in your next marriage? Do you know the kind of husband you are going to meet there? A lot of patience is what you require to conquer, ask God through prayers not only to give it to you but also to help your husband realise the danger of his stay in the family house to his marriage. 

Unless your husband is given the spiritual leading to appreciate the need for him to stand firmly as a man who is now married, nothing you do would make him change his mind about leaving that house. So rather than get angry, go on your knees and pray to God to make the place uncomfortable for him so that he would be compelled to find a place of his own.

As his wife, you are to stand in gap for him at all times. Any man who decides to live in his family house after marriage certainly needs all the spiritual help he can get to make him overcome his life challenge. Rather than fight him, rise to the challenge before you if you really love this man and desire the best for him. If you leave him, you will really be failing in your God given duties to help him. What you are currently experiencing as distractions aimed at making you neglect your reason for marrying this man. By refusing to give up on him, you would also be helping yourself find the right kind of happiness in life.

What you are experiencing is a spiritual battle; one you didn’t know when it started but which you would have to play a major role in his life to help defeat. God that brought you both together didn’t make a mistake at all. He knew from the beginning what would come of your marriage to him. By giving it all up to Him, you will eventually become a very happy woman. 

I would say something I was once told by God, don’t get angry, don’t pack it up and be very patient. It is well.

Good luck.