My sister is involved with my husband

Share a problem With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626

Dear Agatha,

My younger sister and I are the only ones left of our mother’s four children. Since the deaths of our parents, I have taken on  the responsibilities of my younger sister. She just finished her youth service and is job hunting.

To cut down her days of waiting endlessly for a non-existent job, I concluded arrangements with a friend of mine who is into bead-making to teach her how the craft to enable her start something of her own.

She would have started on Tuesday, but for my discovery. She had unknowingly gone with my husband to terminate a pregnancy at a hospital another friend of mine just moved to. 

Curious to know what my husband was doing with my younger sister at the hospital, she went through the hospital records and found out that my sister and husband came to terminate a pregnancy and actually lied about being married.  

She quickly contacted me with the details of what she had just found out about my sister and husband. At first I defended my sister but decided to confirm things for myself. 

Due to traffic, I didn’t get to the hospital early enough but they were just leaving when I came and met them at the car park.  My sister actually passed out at sighting me but my husband tried to brave it by offering a weak explanation that he rushed my sister to the hospital when she complained about severe attack of malaria immediately I left for the office.

When I asked why he didn’t contact me, he said my line wasn’t going. To avoid implicating the friend who told me and also making a scene, I suggested we go home in one car as I came with my official car and driver.

Before we got home, she was already bleeding heavily due, I think to the shock of sighting me. Since I was ready to battle her to death if possible, she confessed she went for an abortion and that my husband was responsible. 

She said, the relationship started when he came to visit her at her base in Akure while she was serving. She said, she had wanted to stop but he kept pressurizing her.

I found out from her that he had actually taken her to see his mother in Akure who welcomed the idea of her son marrying two sisters.

That hurt me more than anything else because this is the woman, whose daughters abandoned due to the way she treated their father. Being her only daughter-in-law, I took on the responsibility of looking after her. Every month, I would send her money and foodstuff. Even though I have heard her not too pleasant remarks about me, I nevertheless decided to continue with my decision to care for her.

When I called my sisters-in-law to inform them of the development in my home, they all came and threw my sister out of the house; pleading with me to forgive my husband because of the children.

But the mother came the next day with my sister and insisted she stayed. The worst thing in all these, is that my husband hasn’t said anything while my sister says she would leave only if I completely forgive her.

The complex nature of this problem is so confusing so much so, even my pastor doesn’t know how to handle it.

Agatha, despite all these, I love my husband but how can I live with a man whose mind, I cannot read? There is also the issue of my children and my sister. My first daughter a three hundred level student is so embittered that she is constantly fighting my sister.

I’m so confused and defeated by the betrayal of my sister more than anything else in the world.  I know my husband has a weakness for women but I didn’t think my sister would fall for him at all despite warnings by my friends and his sisters about allowing my sister come live with us.

I feel like leaving the house for my sister.

Please advise me, Agatha.

Angelia 

Dear Angelia,

There is nothing that goes around that doesn’t come around.  Your sister is a woman; one day, she too will come face to face with a situation in her marriage that will make her look back to what she did to you.  Forgiving her doesn’t mean she will go scot free.  God has a way of balancing His acts.

Forgive her as she has requested. Doing so doesn’t make you a fool but, giving God the chance to heal your home and heart. Let her be the one to carry the burden of the guilt: of knowing that she didn’t treat you right.

Discourage your daughter from fighting her as no amount of fighting can undo what has been done. It will only complicate things between all of you and leave you without a clue on how to begin the process of mending your home.

Besides, you have to be allowed to expunge all the pains from your system first. All these fighting will not allow you to focus on your own healing process. Call your daughter and other children to bury the hatchet. Explain to them, that you need peace to properly resolve whatever has gone wrong in your marriage. Send them all to school or take some weeks off to relocate with yourself.

There is the urgent need to find yourself in these crowds of different emotions questing for attention in your life. To get it right, go back to the very beginning of your life with your husband. When an issue as weighty as what has ensued in your marriage happens; there is always the need to look beyond the immediate to the past where lots of problems are often shrouded.

Granted, your sister’s betrayal is a very serious issue, but from the warnings of your friends and sisters-in-law against  accommodating your sister in your house;  it is obvious  there are certain traits in your husband, you never really bothered with. This is the time to bring that aspect of him under the microscope.  The truth is, is your daughter even safe with her father? Your sister may just be his victim. It could have been another woman which from your own admission, shows you are not unaware of his unfaithfulness to you in the past.

One thing is for a man to like women but another story altogether if he is indiscriminating in the women he sleeps with. A man who can sleep with his sister-in-law can also sleep with his sisters as well as daughters.

Therefore, this is the point you stop shopping for excuses for him and deal once and for all with the inherent problem with him as well as in your marriage.  Reality of life is, you can only deal with a problem you are willing to admit to.

If you want to enjoy your marriage, drag that fearsome shadow in your marriage out of whatever closet you have kept it and flush it down the drain for ever. If your husband has a huge problem of indiscriminate appetite for women; this is the time to look at him in the face and discuss it. Dig more into his past for information; use it to confront him with a view of dealing with the problem once and for all.

Most tribulations of this nature are spiritual; foundation based, especially as his mother sees nothing wrong in her son committing the abominable act of sleeping with two sisters.  If her daughters are keeping their distance from her, then something isn’t really right about her. You took a lot of things for granted. Learn to be guided by the spirit of God in your marriage and choices. Fast and pray.  A wise woman is one whose knees aren’t far from the ground. This is one battle you cannot win by fighting but through meaningful prayers.

Only a mother knows the weakness of her child. While a good mother prays out such weakness, a bad one uses it to destroy her child.

By virtue of being his wife, you have become the mother to your husband.  God positioned you in his life to use your special place to help build him. Don’t be afraid to use your vantage position as his wife to wrestle him from whatever powers are determined to lead him into the abyss.

As long as you love him, the battle is half won because love is the antidote to every problem in life. It’s only after you have done this; you can discuss the issue of your sister with him.

For now, she isn’t as important as freeing your husband from the stronghold of the enemy. It is the only way to enjoy your home and insure your daughters’ future.

Don’t even contemplate leaving your home for any other woman. Remember, God didn’t make a mistake in allowing both of you to get married.  Be rest assured this storm will expire very soon as long as you stay close to God.

Good luck.