How do I confront my friend with this secret?

Dear Agatha,

My best friend and I got married to two best friends who are like twins.

They are always together as they jointly run a successful accounting company.

Their friendship began when the both sat for the first time on the same bench when they were in primary school.

Their friendship has brought everybody in their families into one umbrella.

It is so hard for an outsider to tell who the parent of whom is or where they are from. Even though one is from Edo State and the other from Delta, only an insider can tell the difference.

We both got married on the same day because that was what the two of them desired. Sometimes it baffles their different sets of parents as both friends have started to look like each other.

This is why when my friend’s husband got a lady pregnant, the families came together to take a decision on how to proceed with the matter without it affecting the relationship at home.

It actually happened because my friend didn’t take in the first five years of her marriage. By then I already had two children. Till date, I don’t have the details of what happened but one day, I was summoned to a meeting where I was handed a year old baby to look after as my own. I was told to keep the identity of the child to myself and that if I ever told my friend that the boy belonged to her husband, it would be the end of my marriage.

Since she didn’t know everybody on my side of the family, I had to manufacture a cousin as the owner of the boy.

Strangely she took in the very month I brought the baby to my home. Today, 22 years after she is the mother of two boys and two girls.

Everybody feels the time has come for her to know the truth since the boy has graduated and serving. When he was 16, my husband and his father told him everything but pleaded with him to be patient; that at the right time he would come home. He goes there with my children to spend the holidays and is ironically very close to my friend.

Much as I agree she be told, I don’t want to be part of it. The family thinks I’m in the best of position to tell her the truth.

Agatha, won’t it destroy our friendship forever? Won’t she feel betrayed by me that I was part of the plot? She means so much to me that I don’t want to be present when the truth is finally made known to her.

Roli.

Dear Roli,

There is no avoiding being present when the news is broken to her. You have been part of it all from the beginning so you cannot claim ignorance of it now that your emotional torture at keeping such secret from her, is about to end.

In her shoes, you will also be hurt that your trusted friend kept such information from you. But it will pass because when she understands that you had no choice in the matter; that you had to do it for her sake and the stability of your both homes, she will eventually come to see things from your own point of view.

At any rate, you weren’t given a choice in the matter. It isn’t as if you met or were party to her husband  relationship with the other woman. You were only summoned by the entire family and entrusted with the care of a year old boy you were warned never to reveal his identity.

She too knows that when it comes to the matter of the family, a woman has very little choice in what happens in such a situation.

Not to go, is to destroy her trust in you completely.  You must be there to play your role as her friend and victim of a plot you were only enlisted into after everything has been planned and executed.

Being there will help her understand your helplessness better as well as the reasons you had to keep quiet about it.

At any rate, you aren’t going to be the only one there. The whole family shall be there too.

The only thing you can make them do for you is to help explain to her why they didn’t allow you tell her as well as what your position has always been on the matter.

Be prepared, however, for whatever reactions she would put up and don’t get offended. This is because the people closest to her are the ones that have betrayed her. You, your both husbands as well as the entire family! She will definitely feel very alone as there is nobody to turn to for emotional help.

The fact too that the boy is known to her, comes to her and she sees as a nephew of yours will further make her wonder at what she  has done to deserve this conspiracy.

What would help is for the boy to be present when the news is going to be broken to her. Being close to him, his presence will at least minimize her reactions and the things she may likely say.

A lot depends on how the boy conducts himself on that day. Coach him to go to her and hold on to her as if his life depends on it. Let him cry and continue to call her mummy.

Use the opportunity of such emotions to beg her for understanding and forgiveness for everybody. Both of you have come a long way. If possible, enlist the help of your two sets of children before that day. Explain everything to them all, including the part you played, why you did it and your fear that the family maybe affected if they don’t come in to beg on your behalf.

Once all the children come together, to beg her, it will go a long way to help douse the tension.

But you must try to fix one important issue before that day with your husband and his friend.

The issue of who gets what. Being a woman, you will definitely understand this issue more; that of inheritance.

The men may not think it necessary but one thing that will at least give her rest of mind is the place of her sons in their father’s property.

To pretend this won’t always be a problem is to deny reality. For her, even if she isn’t saying it, this is one issue that will keep agitating her mind and cause her to remain bitter and resentful against all those who conspired the plot.

Prevail on her husband to think it properly and come up with something that will work for all of them. Having come this far, it would be taking her forgiveness for granted if he doesn’t brace up to this reality once and for all.

Like you know, the true nature of a woman is to protect her own at all cost. Before her family members and friends she has outside you begin to plant the seed of doubts and discord in her mind, insist on the discussions of both the obvious and extraneous.

Coming from you as part of the condition for complete peace, nobody would object especially as you are the one that brought up the young man. Unlike her that can be accused of wanting to segregate, you cannot be accused of anything beyond wanting absolute peace in the home of a couple that can best be described as your brother and sister.

Also, your work will not be completed if you don’t explain to her husband how to win her back. Because of the deepness of this cut, she needs time to heal so he should be prepared to put up for a while with whatever attitude she displays.

Once she gets to know, so many things would naturally go through her mind. Apart from his betrayal; the fact that he didn’t trust her enough to tell her all these years will present another problem of its own between them. He will need to think of how to explain this angle to her since it touches on his views about her. Keeping this secret from her for 22 years makes it appear  she is diabolical hence need to protect the child from her; this may not be the reason but this would be her conclusions ultimately.

Unless he steps in with good reason, it may really affect them more than the betrayal itself.

This is why you should all pray for understanding and wisdom in tackling this matter. Although the elders of the family back then had their reasons, but none of them factored the consequences of that decision on the marriage for keeping this secret too long; especially as the child grew up within her orbit.

Good luck.

Share a problem  With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626