My best friend wants my husband

Dear Agatha,

I met my husband through my closest friend who was out of the country for close to four years.  Before she left, she got married to one of our teachers from secondary school. They met when he came for his youth service in our school. She came back two years ago with a man she introduced me to as a colleague.

Fortunately, we hit it off and in less than a year of our meeting, we were married.  During the course of my courtship with my husband, I think about thrice, he has mistakenly called out my friend’s name at the peak of our lovemaking but each time, that happened, he would apologise and attribute it to their being best of friends.

Since it never crossed my mind that my friend could be having an extra marital affair especially with the man she introduced me to, I ignored it as one of those things that happen between friends.

I trusted my friend so very much because of the kind of background she came from; very strict Christian upbringing. Her husband was her first lover.  I also noticed too she was always in our outing plans. She went with us to everywhere and I didn’t complain or thought it strange because being my best friend, one whose presence I have missed for four years, I wanted to be with her as much as possible. 

Back then, it didn’t occur to me to ask her about her husband and marriage. On my wedding day, she was everywhere and had more appearances on my wedding pictures than even I the bride. I observed that her husband didn’t stay for too long on that day; he came briefly and left. I knew something was wrong between them but she kept denying it whenever I enquired.

He called the next day to wish me luck and pray for my happiness.

However, the scale began to fall from my eyes after the birth of my son.  She suddenly started to become hostile and nasty to me. At first I ignored her but when I couldn’t take it anymore, I told her off especially as she took to the habit of coming to my house to pick and drop my husband everyday without bothering to see me.

When I demanded to know why he preferred going with her to work when we had three good cars in the compound, he said, it was pointless going with two different cars when they could use one car. I hate arguments and didn’t want any between my husband and I; so I relaxed.

It was at the point that her marriage broke up that it became very obvious to me that she had more than passing interest in my husband. 

She didn’t bother to pretend anymore. Two weeks ago, she came to me to demand I leave her man alone; that she only loaned me my husband to enable her conclude her divorce plans. And that now that she was free to openly resume her relationship with the only man she has come to love, I should pack my things and leave.

I didn’t doubt her because all the screaming out of her name when making love now made sense as well as all the other things that didn’t bother me before.

When I confronted my husband with what she told me, he didn’t deny it either but said, he has come to love me and our son.  

But Agatha, it hasn’t stopped my friend coming to my house or her nastiness to me. Now she has added threats to it all.

I’m so confused because my husband is begging me not to leave but appears unable to stop his association with my friend.  I’m also pregnant again. I don’t know who to turn to or how to handle this situation. Please help me.

Anuoluwa

Dear Anuoluwa,

Honestly, you don’t have any business with your friend. It is your husband who has to make the decision on what he wants from life. Doubtless you met him through your friend but the truth is, only your husband can make the decision to either end the marriage or continue with it. Since he is not hiding the fact that they were actually lovers before they came back, he should be truthful enough to let you know how he wants to handle the issue between them now that it has come to the open.

Your friend is still having the upper hand because your husband appears indecisive on the matter.  He cannot eat and have his cake.  He will continue to treat this issue with levity and hurt you in the process if you don’t force him to make a decision. This isn’t having an argument with him but securing your home.

Get one thing clear; none of them did or is doing you a favor.  You met and married your husband because you love him. If you didn’t hit it off with him at the beginning, there is no way she would have forced you into marrying him so the issue of her loaning you her man doesn’t arise at all.

The earlier you told her this, the better for you. Make it clear to her that your husband isn’t on loan to you and that you aren’t ready to give him up because apart from being his legal wife, you aren’t aware of the existence of any agreement between you and her or your husband and her for that matter.

Make it clear to her that unlike her, you are ready to hold on to your marriage and make it work at all cost. She is getting away with her behavior because you haven’t put up any form of resistance or aggression to make her know that you are not the fool she made you out to be.

In the first place, she must have lots of guts to think you would willingly give up your man simply because she wants him back. Having lived with your husband for almost two years, you should by now know certain things that are dear to him. For instance his resistance to your friend’s suggestion that you pack out of your home shows your husband has come to develop strong feelings for you and his son. The news of your pregnancy will strengthen your hold over him. So don’t delay in telling him about it.

Only very few men would want to give up their son for any woman especially one whose moral value cannot be guaranteed.

Not many men would forget the way she treated her former husband. Men are always careful who they bring into their lives as wives. They want a woman they can vouch for; who they can leave and be rest assured won’t misbehave. These are the reasons your husband maybe having second thoughts about whatever plans he had with your friend; so use both prayer and your feminine whims to make him realize where his bread is most buttered.

For the sake of your children, beg him to give you a chance to make him happy as a man; making it clear you love him too much to give him up without a fight. Tell him the day you will forever cherish remains the day, you held his son. These are all emotions that will make him realize the things most important  in life than whatever he has going with your friend.

At this point, you must realize that sex is what she has to offer; whereas, you have much more at stake in this marriage hence, you must never be afraid to fight for the peace of your home and love of your husband.

One thing is however clear; you have to sit your husband down for a more honest discussion on how he feels about you.  This is because, no matter how much you desire this marriage, he too has to have a concomitant willingness to want and make this marriage work.

Ask him what he wants from you and life generally. Let him give you an appraisal of his two years with you as well as the extent he has gone with your friend. This includes how they met; why he agreed to a relationship with a married woman going as far as getting married himself to please her.

The essence of this question is to help you realize what precisely you are dealing with which will go a long way in preparing you for the battle ahead.

To underscore your seriousness at keeping your home, stop her from coming to your home; let her know she is part of his past while you are his present and future. Tell your husband too that her coming to the house is threatening your pregnancy and peace of mind.

But, you need the help of God through prayers to defeat your friend because her kind of person can go to any length to get what she wants. You must learn, if you don’t already know, how to pray, to enthrone God as the leader in your life and home.

In addition, show your husband another side of love; the kind that would make him want more and more of you by wooing him with everything that makes you a woman.

Good luck.