My wife has become my headache

Dear Agatha,

I’m an elder in my church which makes it dif?cult for me to behave like ordinary 

members. But, I’m getting to a stage where I can no longer endure the situation because God will one day hold me accountable. There are a group of persons, all leaders in the church whose children are misbehaving. The worst thing is that the church turns the other way when ever incidents involving their children are brought to the church council; not even the general overseer of the church or his wife sees anything wrong in some of the issues involving their children.

For instance, two of such children were caught recently in one of the church rooms in a position of compromise. Being members of the choir, the church administrator sent them out of the choir and also suspended them from all of?cial duties of the church until further notice.

I was there when the matter came up and applauded his decisions on the matter. To my surprise when we came for service on Sunday, the youths were in their duty posts. The administrator, I later learnt resigned that morning following the insistence of the wife of the General Overseer that the youths go back to their duty posts.

According to her, the administrator lacks the authority to take such decisions without ?rst clearing from her or her husband. This won’t be the ?rst time such a development is happening in the church. 

When I tried to defend the administrator, the woman told me that if I wasn’t pleased with the way things were, I had a choice of resigning as an elder in the church.

I’m so ?abbergasted at what is happening all around me.

The major reason I’m writing you for help has to do with the attitude of my wife to it all. She appears to have joined the bandwagon as she came home challenging my decision to support the position of the administrator.

It has been hell for me since I told her of my decision to stop attending the church. Somehow, she has in?uenced my children too.

I’m broken by the attitude of all of them that I don’t know what to do anymore.

The issue is do I continue to stay in church to protect my home from disintegration, something my wife appears determined to do because of her position as wife of an elder or satisfy my conscience by insisting on leaving the church. The way things are, the choice is between my family and my faith.

Please help me make the right choice. I’m 52 years of age.

Elder Idowu

Dear Elder Idowu,

The choice between the family and one’s faith is often dif?cult and complex. But ultimately, one has to make an option along the path of preference and importance.

But one worrisome thing that has emerged from your story is the lack of a unity of minds and purpose between you and your wife. Although you didn’t say anything on the relationship between your wife and you prior to this development but the salient issue here shows that you both don’t operate on the same page or see things from the same perspective.

The fact that your wife is standing against your principle in such an obvious manner that would at the end of the day compromise your beliefs shows the presence of a more fundamental problem than the issue of the church.

It is only when you tackle the issue of your home that you can make a decision concerning your place of worship. In a way, God appears to be using the problem of the church to draw your attention to the more serious issue in your family.

To be an elder in the church, calls for thorough self appraisal at every point in life. Given the position of things in your home, can you in all honesty call yourself a worthy elder? How much value is your family life adding to the lives of others who want to go into matrimony or are having problems in their own marriages?

You cannot remove the dirt in another person’s eyes without ?rst removing yours. How can you see clearly if your eyes are covered in dirt?

How can you be an apostle of righteousness when you cannot in?uence your wife and children? If your wife is openly opposing your principle in church, how do you expect to earn respect from both the leadership and the led in the church?

For now, rest the matter of the church and address the more important one of your home.

What and who is the problem in your home? At what point did you lose the control to your wife so much so, she can get the children to rebel against you?

At 52, your future is already here. From this point, it is a downwards slide to eternity. So, if you fail to ?ght for the unity and progress of your home now, you may never have the chance to make right the things that are obviously very wrong with your marriage.

You cannot be a saint outside your home and be either a weakling or something much more in your home.

Begin the search of redemption of your home from yourself. Since getting married, how much of yourself have you invested in your home and family? This has nothing to do with providing them with money but taking interest in their development, values and ideals. How much time do you spend with them on the average?

A lot of time, men make the mistake of thinking their duties are over once they can provide their families with their basic needs. Unfortunately, that is just the beginning. Family life means the presence of both man and woman. There is an authority the presence of a man carries in the home. Once the children know he is the ?nal authority on all issues, they would think twice before misbehaving.

But when a man allows the woman absolute freedom to do as she pleases all in the name of being too busy, he risks losing total control of his in?uence and authority in the home.

This is why your wife appears to have the ?nal say over the children. If you were always at home, taking interest in the growth of your family, there is no way she would be able to completely in? uence the children to her side.

Also when a man is too harsh and overtly religious, he makes reasoning with him by his family impossible. He ends up alienating himself from his family, especially the children.

Often than not, the children take refuge in their mother who they see as a friend and if not aligned with her husband’s views, ends up taking full control of the children.

This is the point you tell yourself some basic truth as the children will soon be leaving your nest to set up their own homes. If you don’t make the effort to explain your past decisions to them, befriend them all over again, a decade from now, you will ?nd yourself all alone even though you still have a wife. This is because the children would be on their own and your wife, always with them.

Whatever your blames are, admit them by calling your wife ?rst for a private discussion before calling the children for a peace meeting.

Between you and your wife, both of you must resolve whatever differences you have by being frank. Each of you must be able to accept your share of blames with a view of helping the children bury whatever resentments and conclusions they have built over the years.

To get the children to cooperate, you in particular must appreciate that the children are no longer the babies of yesterday. Treat them with some respect to get them to open up and talk freely with you.

It is only after you have sealed whatever crack you have on your wall; that you can as a family discuss the issue of the church and take a uni?ed decision.

Truthfully, irrespective of your disappointment with the way things are being done in the church, you cannot take a unilateral decision to leave the church without factoring their views into it.  The fact alone gives a clue into the way you have been running your home and why the family has risen against you.

Throw the matter on the table and allow a detailed discussion before concluding on what ?nal step to take. Besides, once you are able to win your wife to your side, the children will have no choice but accept your argument and decision.

Good luck.