How do I make him to marry me?

Dear Agatha,

I’m 38 years of old and have never been married. By all standards, I’m very pretty and friendly but the guys aren’t just coming my way like they used to.

However, I recently noticed this new man who moved into one of the houses close to mine. He is the kind of man I would love to settle down with. I spend hours watching him through a window that gives me direct view of his compound. In the night I dream of us making love and living together as man and wife.

I haven’t seen any wife or child and my investigations from those who have  gone to visit him is that he appears single.

I have mentioned my desire to one or two of my friends and they say, I should make the first move by going to his house to welcome him to our little community. They suggest I go with a bottle of wine and pepper soup that he won’t turn me back because I’m a woman.

I have even gone as far as seeking the help of my pastor who after praying confirmed him to be my husband. 

It was based on this that I summoned the courage to greet him and comment on his dress sense last weekend. Beyond acknowledging my greetings, he simply entered into his car and drove off as if the devil was on his trail.

Apart from wanting to know how to go about making him take notice of me, is it right for a woman to make the first move?

Even though I’m really desperate to have him to myself, I still don’t know if it is right for me to make myself so obvious.

Please help me as I want us to get married as soon as possible since age isn’t on my side.

Tess.

Dear Tess,

Sometimes I wonder what a lot of people take the marriage institution for. It is obvious from what you have just said that you lack a thorough understanding of what the institution stands for. If you did, you won’t be talking about getting married to a complete stranger before the end of this year.

If you understood that marriage goes beyond the glamour of ceremony, you won’t be so much in a hurry, no matter your age to tie the knot with a man whose temperament or value system, you don’t know.

You aren’t even talking about relationship, itself a cumbersome process of endless compromises and sacrifices but a more permanent arrangement of marriage?

What if this prince of yours turns out to be a monster in armour; one that can make life very miserable and agonizing for you?

A lot of things go into making a marriage work. First and foremost, it has to go beyond the threshold of love to something more fundamental.

You can manage a stranger until the morning after when reality, comes knocking and taking up permanent residence in the home.

Desirable as marriage is, to many women, the process leading to it must be enveloped in reality. There is no rushing the process or cutting corners to avoid the many regrets that often end such rushed and ill conceived marriages.

Honestly, if you want to enjoy matrimony, resist putting the cart before the horse. First and foremost, you should try to find out a bit about what you want from life beyond your passion to get married at all cost. To make a good partner to either a man or woman, a person must first make that individual contact with his or her inner person. You must know what your own limitations are as well as your elasticity valve. There is no making anyone happy if you aren’t happy with yourself or decisions. To give anything, you must first have what it takes to give. There is no giving what you don’t have at all.

A woman who doesn’t know what is expected of her as a woman or wife ends up becoming a disappointment to herself in a marriage due to her inability to find her rhythm.

It is really essential before you go chasing this man that you know what you want from him. For instance can you stomach a man who snores, isn’t organized or has a particular habit that gets on your nerves? I know of some women who have ended their marriages based on the excuse that their husbands snore. Whether they are right or wrong is not the issue  here but that they didn’t factor this into their marriage plans. The perfect man you want to drag into marriage at all cost may have some habits you may not be able to cope with at the end of the day and what would be the essence of all your struggles if the marriage doesn’t last beyond the glamour of the ceremony?

This is the time to be very honest with yourself. We all have our different barometers to gauge our limitations.

Once you are honest, it becomes easy for you to put things in proper perspective like knowing that you cannot premise marriage alone on a man’s outward appearance or the wetness of your dreams.

Really, there is nothing wrong in craving for the arms of a man or building a dream around him. It is perfectly normal to see and dream.

However, you must first open an avenue for you to understand and appreciate each other with the sole aim of going beyond ideas to realities.

Marriage is a selfish thing; it has to be based on what you want; your happiness and nothing more. This is because it is an individual journey which nobody can walk for you; others can only help give you suggestions on how to handle it but ultimately, it is what you want that matters which is why you must be clear eyed before making that final decision.

So, first thing is not for you to plan marriage but friendship in such a way that you would both be true to yourselves regarding what will work.

But even this is assuming that he is free to marry you, any man who is matured enough for you may not be available for marriage. The fact that he doesn’t go about with labels or live alone isn’t the same thing as being single.

His family could be abroad or living apart due to misunderstanding. So it is all foolishness on your part to base your desires on what the pastor told you about him.

Even though there is nothing wrong in a woman making the first move, your agenda should be well defined.

First, be a good neighbour by asking after his welfare and how is finding the environment. For instance, if your environment is the kind that meets monthly; you could offer to accompany him on the first meeting so he doesn’t feel out of place.

Ensure you keep everything light by always asking after his family. If he doesn’t have one, he will immediately let you know you are off the mark by putting the records straight.

Even at this, still be careful you don’t present yourself as desperate and cheap.

Most men like to be in charge. Even if you are dying to have him wrap his arms around you; allow him to be the one to complete what you have started.

It is only after you have become talking neighbours that you can offer him drink or cook up a celebration to get him to taste your cooking.

You just don’t walk up to someone you aren’t familiar with to offer drinks or pepper soup.

Even if age isn’t on your side, there is something called self respect. Once you compromise it due to desperation, you may not like the kinds of reactions you get after the slip.

For now, learn to take each day as it comes and forget whatever the pastor told you at least until you are sure of who this man is and what he is all about.

Good luck.

Share a problem With Auntie Agatha gataedo@yahoo.com, Email:agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626