Do I accept his proposal?

Dear Agatha, 

I will be 40 this year. I am single and have been praying for a husband for as long as I can remember. My younger sister at 38 is also single but she has a child to show for it.

Last year, I ran into the ex boyfriend of my younger sister. They dated when she went for youth service. He was her boss and married then.

My sister really wanted to marry him then but he refused because he told my sister, he didn’t like her enough to marry her. 

That got my sister very angry and she terminated the relationship. When I heard, I was very angry and called him to give him a piece of my mind. He didn’t lie about not wanting to marry her. He told me exactly what he told my sister and added that he wouldn’t have thought  twice about marrying me.

I insulted him because I considered that comment a huge insult and that was it. 

I had forgotten all about him; even his face since I only met him about twice when he was dating my sister.

He stopped to offer me assistance when my car stopped on the road. 

It was after he had helped fixed the car that he introduced himself to me because he noticed I didn’t recognise him. I was glad.

That was how we exchanged numbers and began the communication that would lead to my predicament.

I not only discovered that he became widowed three years ago but that he has a heart of gold. Caring and considerate, I began to nurse feelings for him. He eventually declared his feelings for me and asked me to marry him.

But there are two things bothering me majorly about the relationship; one is the issue of sex. I’m a worker in my church and wouldn’t like to indulge in premarital sex even though I’m not a virgin anymore.

The day, he proposed to me, he tried to make love to me and I declined telling him I want us to wait till our wedding night. He pleaded with me to allow him because it had been long since he made love with a woman he really loved. He admitted to having causal sex with a girl he had since stopped from coming to his house when he met me which is true since we are always together physically or on the phone. There is no time he doesn’t pick his calls when I call him.

The second reason has to do with my sister who has vowed to do everything within her powers to ensure he doesn’t marry me since according to her, she found him first.

He has even gone to my sister to plead with her to let us be. Right in my presence he reminded her of the agreement between them before they agreed to date. My sister didn’t bother to deny that he told her from day one when she enticed him with sex in their office after office hours that he loved his wife and didn’t want anything serious between them.

I didn’t know it was my sister who made the first move. It was the first time I knew the details of their relationship and how my sister desperately tried to pin the pregnancy of her child on him.

The shocking thing is that my sister had the effrontery to trace him to his house to offer him sex.

Thank goodness he resisted her and called me to come for my sister.

I’m really confused on how to handle my sister and proceed from here.

I know how devilish my sister can be but this is the one chance I have to get married to a man I know truly cares for me.

Is it wrong to marry this man because he was involved with my sister? Should I accept or turn down his proposal? What if I never get another man to look my way? He is the first man asking me out in the last decade. Should I give in to his demand for sex before the August date I settled for as date of our wedding? He has taken me home to his family and has met mine. He actually wanted an early date but I want our wedding on my birthday in August.

Ladele

Dear Ladele,

At 40, you are not a spring chicken that has to prove anything to anybody. If nature has been kind to you, by now, you should have had grown up children so asking you not to have sex is like rubbing salt on a fresh wound.

There are things you tell young children that, when told to an elderly person become outright insults.

Besides, what are you trying to protect? It isn’t as if you are still a virgin. If you didn’t exhibit qualms when you lost it, why the doubts now? Is it that you don’t trust this man?

From your story, you are the one delaying the wedding date so why are you now playing the moral card of waiting until your wedding night?

Truth is, a man used to having sex on demand, who has been married and taken on the responsibility of caring for a family may not understand why you are denying him sex.

If this man can come out openly to confess having a causal girlfriend to satisfy his sexual urges, then you better think twice about your decision not to have sex with him.

Sincerely, you are at reality junction; one where you have to be as factual as possible with yourself. He has done everything humanly possible to prove his love and willingness to have you in his life; this isn’t the same as going to bed with a man whose motive for you are in doubt.

The truth is, not everybody is built to resist sex with the same determination. For some people, it is almost impossible to live without sex. This man appears to rank among such people. A clever lady willing to pin him down can between now and August trap him with a pregnancy especially as your sister is determined to ensure you don’t marry him. She appears to know him more than you do and that is dangerous for you because she can easily use her knowledge of him to stop you from achieving your dreams of becoming his wife.

What if it weren’t your sister that went herself to offer him sex but another woman on one of those days and he is charged?

The same people you are trying to please would be the same people that will blame and label you stupid. It is one thing to make the choice to stay single but another when there is no man looking your way. Think about it.

As for his relationship with your sister, it never was, based on what your sister did to have him to herself.

Your sister used her body to procure it but ended up getting her fingers burnt.

This is the difference between what he feels for you and your sister. Even when he had a wife, his heart still felt something for you. Your meeting up again isn’t by accident but a divine plan by God to compensate you so don’t throw away this gift for something that never was.

There are some inexplicable things that happen in life which are beyond human comprehension. This is clearly one of them.

It doesn’t pay to rationalize with God or question His wisdom. Gladly take what He has offered you in His mercy and commit your sister to Him. Understandably, she is also desperate to have someone to call her own and is bitter like any other woman would in her situation.

It can’t be easy for her to have given her all to a man who makes it clear at any given opportunity, that he has no feelings for her. In her shoes, you may also have gone the length she is going; to take what she thinks is hers.

She is your sister; so find a way to reach out to her and plead with her to forgive you and your man for causing her pains. It doesn’t matter if you didn’t do it on purpose; but asking her to forgive you is to make her feel right and leave you to enjoy your new found happiness and blessings.

All you have to do at this point is to pray she also finds true happiness in life.

You’ve already accepted his proposal by agreeing on a date and meeting with each other’s family members. What is left is for you to begin to commit your home and husband to the hands of God while you also work at getting to know him better.

Good luck.