I hate my husband

Dear Agatha,

Please help me; I hate being married to my husband. He snores, doesn’t know how to dress, is ugly and above all doesn’t know how to make love.

I have tried to accommodate him for seven years but it is becoming unbearable for me to go on with him. He isn’t the kind of man I want to spend the rest of my life with. But at the time I met and married him, he was the only one available. The man I wanted to get married to left me to get married to another woman hence my decision to marry my husband.

Now, that my former is single again, his wife died some few months ago I want to go  back to him but I love my children so much and know he won’t allow me take them with me. Besides, I want some private time with my ex; time for him to realise that no other woman would ever be good enough for him.

Although he hasn’t asked me out or looked my way but, I have given him all the signs of my availability and willingness to end my marriage for us to be together.

Where I want your help is how to terminate my marriage without too much hassles as well as tips to get my ex to come back to me. He is my life. I suspect his late wife of deploying juju to get him to marry her. He would never have left me of his own free will to marry another woman.

Grace.

Dear Grace,

I wonder what kind of woman you are. If you are in this man’s shoes, how would you feel at being dumped unceremoniously for an ex who didn’t think twice at dumping you to marry another person?

If this man you are contemplating quitting your marriage for really liked you, do you think he would have left you to marry his late wife? If you were that important in his life, there is no way he would ever have allowed you go no matter the pressure from another woman.

Truth is, he left you because you lacked what he wanted in a woman.  Infact, the coldness at which you are calculating your re-emergence into his life as well as the accusations you are throwing at his dead wife, previews your kind of person and perhaps the reasons he left you in the first place.

A cold calculating heart is not a place any man wants to find himself. A man wants a woman who is warm and happy. A man wants a woman who will keep encouraging him to be happy and get him to his best point. Calling your man the kinds of things you said about him shows you will never be of any encouragement to his man because you appear to resent him so much.

Even though I’m tempted to say your current husband is better off without you, the truth remains that you would be the loser at the end of the day. If you make the mistake of ending this marriage on the frivolous excuses you have given, you may never get the chance to reverse your decision because if he finds that special woman who will give him all the reassurances he needs as a man to get his confidence back in life, he will never give you a listening ear to make amends.

A man who left you when you were single to marry another woman, will still have no reason to consider you for marriage now that you are married with children.  Don’t forget there is nothing about you he doesn’t know and whatever disqualified you from being his wife then, will still make it impossible for him to consider you as mother to his children.

Sometimes, it isn’t just about love but about one very important quality a man cannot compromise.

Frankly, all the things you complain of about your husband are present in other men. These aren’t fundamental things at all. They are habits true love overshadows.  In the first place, almost everybody, including babies snore.  It is a simple matter of waking him up to change his sleeping position. So that he snores is neither here nor there.

Have you considered that this man is the father of the children you love so much? What if the wife of your son suddenly wakes up one day and ends her marriage to your son giving the excuses you are giving now? What would be your response and reactions?

What is your duty in his life? Is it just to give him children? Far from it! God made us in pair to help each other be the best of everything.  If your husband isn’t dressing well after being married to you for seven years, it is because you failed in your responsibilities as his wife.  By now, you should have changed his wardrobe to reflect your idea of how you want him to appear with you in public since you are the one blessed with the sense of style. It is the duty of every good wife to take interest in the appearance of her husband and help manage him at every point in time.

Therefore, his state of fashion is a reflection of your failure as a woman and wife; not his’ at all. Therefore, you cannot hold him responsible for your failures to live up to your responsibility in his life.

Surely you weren’t blindfolded when you agreed, courted and married him. Didn’t you observe his looks back then? Didn’t you realise he wasn’t good looking enough for you or like you said; ugly? What part of a human body did you create to make you the judge of who is beautiful or ugly? At what point did he become too ugly for you to live with? That man you call ugly happens to be the father of the children you love most. If he is ugly, then it follows your children are ugly too.

A man who doesn’t know how to make love fathered your children and you stayed with him for seven years? Don’t destroy him just because you want a reason to end this marriage.

Even though you obviously have made up your mind about leaving him, consider the implications on your children as well as the heartache you would cause this man who from your story appear never to have hurt you.

There is no marriage without issues but once the couple is resolved to make it work, things will eventually work out. You can transform this man to the most handsome man in the world if you want to. Love is such a powerful substance that has the ability to transmute anything and situation.

All you need is to focus on what is important to you. Don’t throw away certainty for uncertainty. The best the other man can ever be to you is a friend, nothing more.

A wise woman is the one that builds her home on the values of God. Regard this period as one of great temptation; which we all go through in our marriages.  Once there is a perfect will to make this marriage work, you will come to have all your fantasies fulfilled eventually.

Please go to God in prayers for help and strength to overcome your weakness.  At least, do it for the children whose lives you are about to mess up by the decision you want to take. Always remember there is a limit on how much insults a man can endure from a woman.  Once your husband gets to that point, it would be impossible to change his mind about you.

Good luck.