I am in love with my brother’s friend

Dear Agatha, I am in love with my brother’s best friend. I don’t know if I should tell him or not. I know you might think it is infatuation because I am just 16, but he is everything I need in a man. He is kind and gentle as well as so handsome. I cannot concentrate on my forth coming examinations because of him. What do I do? Lilly. Dear Lilly, What do you know about love or men at your age? At your age, you should be thinking of how to pass your examinations and going into the university. You have an entire life ahead of you to do men business. To jump start it is to create avoidable entanglements in your life. Beside, your emotions are not ripe enough to handle men. More than anyone else, I appreciate that your hormones are causing some kind of havoc inside of you but what makes one girl responsible and the other irresponsible is her ability to control all the confusing chemicals the hormones are pushing out. This is why you should concentrate on passing your examinations first. Having a good education, is one of the ways a woman protects herself from being irresponsible. Paying more attention to your education will also help divert your mind from focusing on men. You are right, what you feel is infatuation because you don’t know all that go into having and conducting a relationship. Are you considering pregnancy in all these? As long as a young girl is old enough to menstruate, she can become a mother. What if your adventure turns out to be a nightmare that of you having a baby at your age? What do you think would become of the future that looks so bright? You are in school because your parents want the best for you. There are so many young children your age whose parents cannot be bothered if they are in school or not. Therefore, don’t abuse the chance your parents are offering you by engaging in activities or actions that will destroy that future your parents plan for you. With the right kind of education, there is no man on earth you cannot have. For now perish whatever it is that you feel for your brother’s friend or any other man for that matter. Good luck

He beats me at the slightest excuse

Dear Agatha, I am in a very abusive marriage; there is no day I don’t get beaten by my husband so much so, neighbours no longer bother to come in to separate us. Some of them now gossip behind me and I get to hear; they think I enjoy the violence-which they think is a stimulant for me to enjoy having sex better with my husband. Others wonder if I have no family to go to. I don’t blame them at all; in their shoes, I would also be mislead into thinking the same things given the fact that it is something my husband and I do everyday. I am sincerely fed up especially as my son who is just three is beginning to manifest the same kind of violence in his play group at school; he fights and bites his mates. My entire body is adorned with different scars courtesy of my husband whose reasons for beating me vary from money to my attitude. At times, he comes home drunk and that is enough reason for him to pick a fight. The last fight landed me at the hospital; according to the doctor, I was lucky because I had lost a lot of blood before a neighbour found me on the floor in our sitting room. Although, I made up my mind to end the marriage but when my pastor and elders of the church came to preach tolerance and patience, I decided to stay on. According to them it is a phase that will one day come to an end and importantly, that God doesn’t support divorce. I respect my pastor too much to disobey him. He says those who disobey God on this important injunction go to hell. Truthfully, it is becoming harder by the day as my husband appears very determined to kill me. Nothing I do pleases him. He doesn’t care who the audience is, he beats me anywhere his anger overwhelms him including the church. Because of this temper, I lost my job when he came to my office to beat me up for forgetting to drop the key to the house with a neighbour. He traveled, didn’t tell me he was coming back earlier than he told me; that was my offence. He disrupted business at our banking hall that day. It was so bad that security had to be called in to throw him out. I don’t know what to do. My parents are of the view that when I am tired, I will end the marriage as they are tired of asking me to come out of it. His cousin who has on several occasions witnessed our fights has on several occasions told me to leave to avoid being blinded like my father-in-law did to my mother-in-law. I met my mother-in-law once and was told by my husband that she became blind in one eye in an accident. I just assumed it was a motor accident. According to the cousin who stopped coming to our house when my husband fought him for telling me about the real cause of his mother blindness, it was what led to the separation of his parents. My father-in-law banned his wife from ever seeing the children. I met her when I put to bed. She came to the hospital to see the baby and I. I really have lost every respect and love I have for him but I don’t want to disobey God by ending the marriage. What do you think? Lara. Dear Lara, You can only stay married if you are alive. Dead people don’t marry nor have children. I am sure your pastor also told you that suicide is a sin before God. Staying in such a violent marriage is akin to committing suicide. There are no medals for staying and dying in a violent marriage. The God we serve isn’t wicked. Yes, the Bible stresses on sustainability of a marriage to avoid frivolities by couples looking for the slightest excuse to terminate their union. But in this instance, when insanity has blanketed sanity, leaving, is the most viable option. It isn’t the pastor that is being beaten everyday or his children that are being exposed to violence. It is your life and your children’s lives that are being toyed with. This is the time you need to read your Bible so as not to be misguided or carry a needless burden, God hasn’t placed on you. The pastor is only performing his role. The truth is, no pastor or church will ever tell a couple to end their marriage but you, who is wearing the shoes should know when it too tight to walk with. There is no meaningful dialogue or resolution that can take place in this kind of situation you have painted. You are dealing with a very stubborn foundational problem here. The spirit of anger is one that takes the special grace of God to dethrone from a home or one’s life. Your going away isn’t the same as divorce; you need peace to pray your home back into reckoning. Ironically, the same people who are urging you to stay on, would be the same people to perform your burial rites and declare your husband free to remarry if you die in the process of preserving your violent marriage. The Bible is peppered with profound references to wisdom. Without it, we become foolish and blind to various doctrines that becloud our normal senses of reasoning. I am sure God didn’t intend marriage to be a battlefield or a fighting arena. The instructions are clear; a man should care for his wife who is his helpmate. Common sense demands you stay clear of this man until he comes to the full realization of his problems. It isn’t normal for a man to go about beating up his wife at the slightest excuse. Even if you are the causes of his anger, the fact that he is unable to control his reactions invalidates his reasons. You have to stay alive to keep the marriage going. This is what you should emphasis to your pastor the next time he tells you to endure the violence in your marriage. Granted there is no marriage that is problem free but when it becomes the order of the day, there is the need for the wife to consider her life first. Your leaving will provide him with the chance to think and give you both a future to negotiate your options. Both of you can still come back together if you are alive but once dead, you become yesterday’s history. There is also the issue of the children. They are an important factor in this whole matter. As their mother, you have a duty to protect them from this kind of violence you have described. If your three year old child is already imbibing the culture of violence, then you must act urgently else you risk entrenching the legacy of violence your husband’s family is already noted for. Your husband is who he is today because of the examples he grew up with. There is no way a child raised in a violent home, who daily witnessed the battering of his mother by his father would think it abnormal for a man to beat his wife. Don’t allow your son to grow up to become like his father; you owe it to him and the family he would one day raise to protect him from himself. Besides, you owe it to yourself to say alive at all cost. It is your right to live, don’t allow anybody deny you of it. He has already taken away your career; don’t give him the opportunity to take away your life. If the church expels you on account of your decision to be alive, so be it. Your business is with God and not man. If he is truly a Christian, he won’t beat you because the Bible’s instruction to men on how to relate with their wives is very clear. You can only understand and be patient with a man who is reasonable, not one who is deaf and blind to all reasoning. This is not to say you are without your own faults. Even though he now appears to have the major fault because of his lack of wisdom in the handling of domestic matters, be honest in admitting your faults. This is highly important to help in appreciating your own defects as a woman, wife and mother. There is nothing impossible before God. Your husband could change through prayers and become the perfect husband you want him to be. If you remain your old self, chances are your marriage will be far from being the perfect union you want it to be. Importantly, let your motive for any decision you take be clear. If you are leaving, have it at the back of your mind that you are only going away for a while to give your husband time to think and to protect your life and children from needless violence. No matter what, stand in gap for your husband. He needs you now more than ever. Good luck.

I want him to be my first

Dear Agatha, Please help me out of this shame. For a year and two months, I have been in a relationship with this man. About two weeks ago, I asked him to help me out with some money because I was broke. He told me he didn’t have because things weren’t very good for him financially. I understood, because even when I didn’t solicit for money he would give; all of a sudden his attitude towards me changed and he also started accusing me of pretending to be in love with him; an accusation that has no basis. He stopped calling me for three days. I had to write him a letter reassuring him of my love. In that letter, I got angry and asked him if that is how he would go about accusing falsely when we get married. I also told him that since he lacked confidence in my love, we should stop seeing each other. Of a truth, I wasn’t serious about my threats. He didn’t call me for three weeks despite the fact I was constantly sending text messages begging him to forgive me. He eventually picked my call only to inform me that he was no longer interested in me. He said, I was free to go with anybody I desired. I don’t know what to do: he is my first love and I want him to be the man that will deflower me. Help me, I am dying silently. Heart broken Girl. Dear Heart broken Girl, In matters of the heart, you don’t choose love rather, it does the selection. It decides who it wants to be paired with which, is why you must not try to enforce him to love you at all cost. Rather than pine away in agony and despair over what he has said, ask a friend of yours known to him to go and try to talk to him on your behalf. Let her find out from him why he changed his mind about you and what informed his decision to conclude about his relationship with you. If the friend can, let her plead your case with a promise that whatever his grouses are against you shall be handled by her. But it is also important you admit your shortcomings in all these. Often than not, we are quick at shifting the entire blame of our disappointment or hurt on everybody but, us. In your hurt, you could have said one or two unpalatable things to him without considering the far reaching implications of doing or saying so. Besides, why would you give him an ultimatum when you know he means the world to you? Not everyman likes to be pushed to the corner. He would think you did that because he could not give you the money you asked for. Men don’t like being broke and often react negatively when put under pressure. The tone of your letter could have set him thinking in another direction you never intended in your letter. Unless you are given the chance to explain yourself better, he may escape with the wrong impression that you lack what it takes to be a good woman. But, if he has made up his mind not to continue with the relationship, allow him be even though it will cost you some emotional pains. There are certain things you don’t force in life, love is one of them. Like life itself, every relationship is a kind of classroom. We learn and take away that which is important to our next stage in life. There is nothing you can do about it if God hasn’t paired both of you. There is an adage that says only those who appreciate Kola-nut cover it with leaves. The uninitiated expose it to the elements of weather to destroy its essence. If this man isn’t meant for you, your virginity would at the end of the mean nothing to him whereas; the man who is yours will forever cherish your special gift to him. Stop worrying and allow God do His work. Good luck. After five years, he says I am not good enough Dear Agatha, My heart is heavy. I have just been jilted by the man I gave my virginity and my life to. For five years, I waited patiently for him to establish himself after graduation. While we were in school, I funded him from my business money. I was into buying and selling of clothes and foodstuff while at the university so I always had money and food. Although, older than I am, I graduated a year before him because he had a carry over. Despite pressures from my friends and family members, I decided to wait for him to finish and even influenced his employment through my friend’s father. Along the line I got pregnant and didn’t notice until it was too late for me to abort it, so we had the baby, a boy. I didn’t mind having our child because I thought we were destined for the altar. And just when I thought we were about to finally making things official, he dropped the bombshell that he has fallen in love with someone else. There is nothing his friends, family members didn’t say to make him change his mind, he insisted on dumping me: he described me as being too old and not good enough for him. Where do I start from? I just want to die and leave this world alone. I can’t endure the shame of everything; and all for nothing. All I ever did wrong was to love him with everything that makes me a woman. Agatha, I need your strong shoulders to lean on please help me. Calestina. Dear Calestina, I feel your pains and disappointments but God knows everything. In His time and season, you will get to find out that what you assumed to be the real thing was actually fake. Most times, what we assume to be the best for us, are usually not what God wants for us. If this man were yours, he wouldn’t have left you for another woman. Having that child was the reason both of you came together; the reason you must pull yourself together to care for your son. That boy has given you a reason to live; a reason to thank God that all your waiting and investment on your ex weren’t in vain. The presence of that child underscores God knowledge in all that happened between the two of you. No matter where he goes, who he ends up marrying, he will never forget that he has a son somewhere. Whatever your personal challenges maybe, set them aside and be the mother that child needs now. The reality of a woman’s life is that motherhood doesn’t recognize or excuse a hurting heart. That boy needs you to care and love him unconditionally. See him as your compensation for all the years and emotions you invested in his father. Being a woman and having gone through emotional pains, disappointments and aches, I can tell you they don’t last forever; around the corner is always God’s brightest sunshine and bluest clouds to usher one into another experience. The problem with most people is summoning the strength and courage to begin afresh. As a matter of fact you should be happy he didn’t leave you stranded on the altar or that this didn’t happen after the wedding ceremony. Even if you are already a mother, it doesn’t compare to having the record of a failed marriage this early in life. often than not, the society unfairly blames the woman for a broken home irrespective of the situation that led to it. For this reason, learn to appreciate God because He is clearly on his Throne in your life. To avoid too many questions, move away from familiar environment to a place where nobody knows you. Go with your son, his presence will help to heal you. Trust me, the presence of a child is always a soothing balm for broken heart; they will never give you the chance to go into depression. Furthermore, if you kill yourself, what would be your testimony and the fate of that innocent life you brought into this world? Once you trust God and are willing to let Him play His perfect role in your life, you will be surprised at the quality of man waiting to grace your life and soul. Painful as it might seem today, thank God for removing this man your love may never have given you the courage to remove from your life. The truth is, you were too blinded by your determination to get married to him that you didn’t see the signs he has been giving you. he simply used you to get what he wanted out of life. Such a man would never have made a good husband to you. the more reason you should thank God and pray He sends a man who will care for you as a man should for his woman. Good luck.

I am afraid to approach her

Dear Agatha, I like your responses to the questions people always ask you. This is why your column has become my weekly guide. I am a boy of 26 years of age. I finished secondary school since 2009 and still struggling to gain admission into a university. However, I have a thriving computer business as well managing a petrol station. Despite my modest achievements, I don’t have any female friend not to talk of a girlfriend. Recently I met a lady in my church I like and wish would become my wife. But she is a banker. From all indices she is better educated than I am as well as richer in terms of finance. The only thing I have more than her are the number of years I have spent on earth. Despite my limitations, I have this great passion for her. I want her to become the mother of my children but I am afraid to make an advance to her since I don’t want to be embarrassed by her. I don’t want her to hate me and jeopardize my chances with her. Daily, it is becoming difficult for me to control my feelings for her. What I feel for her is so strong that I am just confused; I don’t know what to do again. Please what is your advice for me because each time I sight her, my love becomes stronger. I don’t want anything that will hurt my life. Please enlighten me because I need your help. Image of God. Dear Image of God, Love isn’t mathematics. It has a way of happening in very odd situations. So don’t be discouraged by all her seeming finer points. Those things could just be her camouflage; deep inside her, she may not be as happy as those things project her to be. However, you also have to be more serious about your educational pursuit. Granted you have been able to establish yourself but as a man and in order for you to move beyond this point in life, there is the need to be more proactive in terms of gaining admission to the university. At 26, you are actually wasting your time sitting for the Joint Admission Matriculation examinations. Apply for a part-time program in a university nearest to you. The cost maybe more prohibitive than the regular class but, it will resolve the problem of your complex among your peers or associates. As for the lady, there is no harm in approaching her as a friend. It is a simple matter of saying “how are you”, since you both attend the same church. If she is snobbish, it means she isn’t good enough for you but, if she responds, tell her your name and ask for hers as a way of establishing some sorts of familiarity. Don’t rush into declaring your feelings for her. First, get to study her kind of person and attitudes. As friends, you get the opportunity of knowing her at close quarters. If she responds positively to your greetings and offer of friendship, ensure she gets to know about your educational background, your business as well as plans to improve your education. Don’t wait until things get deep before opening up on your limitations. Exposing yourself to her is giving her the necessary information to help make up her mind about you even before you tell her how you feel. When telling her about your educational background, watch out for her reaction to the news as well as attitude towards you thereafter. If she continues to be friendly, you could after a while tell her how you feel about her but if she avoids your company, consider her the wrong woman for you and move on. Every rejection a man suffers from a woman; there are more than five willing women on queue. If you are unwilling to experience pains, disappointments and embarrassment from women, then you aren’t prepared to have a viable relationship with a woman in life. Heartbreaks and disappointments go with approaching a woman. The is because it is the only opportunity most women have to make the men sweat for them, they play hard to get, even when she is interested. So if you on account of protecting your heart from breaking refuse to approach a woman, you might end up with a woman who is too desperate to get married hence ready to do anything to hook a man. These women are the ones who after marriage, become monsters and the heartbreak you are running from will become a permanent resident in your marriage. Nothing good comes easy. There is always a price to pay for finding a good wife. So ignore the fear of rejection and move on with your quest to find out if this woman is your missing rib. In addition you must summon the courage to talk to women. You cannot continue to live in isolation of women. Men and women were designed by God to interact. That you have a woman as a friend doesn’t mean you are in a romantic relationship with her. Whatever may have informed your inability to talk to women or have them as friends; must be dealt with by you. One of the questions you must find an answer to, is why you are afraid of women? You cannot reach the age of 26, without having had a girlfriend. For you to really appreciate and settle down well into a relationship, you must know how to take care of a woman. This comes from knowing what the psychology of the average woman is. Love isn’t accomplished by what you feel alone, it must be supported by the attitude and concern invested into the other person. Good luck.

I want to know God more

Dear Agatha, Please help me. How do I reconnect with God? Since I got married, I find it difficult to pray with my family, how do I teach my two children about God? I want to have a relationship with Him. Chioma. Dear Chioma, Your letter is the most touching I have ever received. God bless you. When a woman gets married, if she is not careful, in her attempt to balance the emotions, politics and care of the home, she forgets the importance of God in her. This often not deliberate or noticed. And because God though present in every home isn’t as demanding as the physical presence of the husband and children, He keeps being relegated to the background for the occasional grace, church worships and emergency solutions to pressing family issues. You are not alone. So many women are guilty of the neglect of the most important presence in our homes. Fortunately, He is unlike us in many ways. He doesn’t keep a grudge or keep records of our iniquities. As the woman of the house, you are the spiritual umbrella of the family; the reason you have to first reconcile with God through prayers. It is a simple matter of going on your knees to invite Him back into your home as the supreme head. Follow this, by drawing up a prayer time-table. Ensure every member of the family is assigned a role to play in the time table. This means, once it is the turn of any member of the family, he or she gets to lead the entire session-the praise and worship, Bible reading, the little sermon as well as prayers. This way, your children get exposed to the words of God and His ways. The more they read the Bible, the more they get to see and know Him. In addition, you must give them the right examples to emulate. Don’t amplify what is not in the Bible; allow them to perfect their relationship with God in their own ways. The important thing is their being on the right path. Often than not, when parents insist too forcefully on how they want things done rather than allow the children to grow into it, creates complexities which could lead to full scale rebellion against what you want to achieve. After doing this for sometime and observing where each child is strongest, apportion them appropriately at the devotion. Also encourage them to join activities in the church in their areas of interest. It is also important you point out the ways of God to them in their everyday activities to help them grow further in the ways of God. This will enable them come to depend and trust God implicitly in all they do. As for your husband, learn to pray together in the morning and at night. Sometimes, it could be a major task getting the man to pray, don’t get angry if yours is the kind that isn’t so keen. In this kind of situation, rather than get angry, just keep praying for him and ensure you are on hand to pray when he is about to sleep so that you can both pray. The fact that you are in the same room with him when praying should do at the beginning. Above all, worship God and not pastor or church as has become the norm among many Christians. Good luck.

My mother-in-law is making my life miserable

Dear Agatha, I am a regular reader of your column. I am 26 years of age. I have a life-eating problem and I believe you can help me. I married a mummy’s pet kind of husband who tells his mother everything we discuss and do in the house. Naturally, his mother sees me as an obstacle, even though he pretends about it. Although she doesn’t shout at me but she has a way of making my life in that house hell on earth. For instance, if my husband has the urge to eat a particular kind of food and I make attempt to cook what my husband wants, she would come to the kitchen to tell me that the particular food is forbidden in that house. The worst thing is that when my husband comes and I tell him what his mother said, he won’t say anything. Although he is the breadwinner of the family, he cannot stand up to his people to defend me. The resultant effect is that I am on my own, begging them to like me a little bit but it seems the harder I try to please them, the more determined they are to make my life unbearable in their brother’s house. I have been begging my husband to relocate, at least, a little far away from the family so that I can enjoy my very young marriage but he has refused to listen to me. His excuse is that I would soon be back in school which is six hours drive from home. Anytime I raise the issue of the treatment I get from his family, he is instant in defending them. His mother is in charge of my less than a year old marriage. And it appears this is going to be the pattern of my marriage as my husband in his wisdom, built his personal house within the vicinity of the family house. My sister-in-law who is also at home is over 30 years of age and she too is another source of my headache. I am dying slowly. Please help me. Confused Wife. Dear Confused Wife, Marriage is a school of endurance, patience, understanding, prayers and wisdom. Like bitter leaf, every new marriage must first go through a process of adjustment before it can become sweet. It is unfortunate that you are starting your marriage this way, but a lot of the issues you raised started long before you got married to him. Perhaps a combination of inexperience, misconception of what marriage is all about and lack of sincerity on your part are the reasons you are going through this crisis. For instance, there is no way you wouldn’t have noticed from the very beginning that your man is a mummy’s boy. This is something he couldn’t have hidden from you. Any man close to his mother manifests it wherever he goes. He must have, during your courtship days, done one or two things to make it clear to you that his mother is his final authority. You didn’t complain then because like most women, you thought you could handle the situation and make him forget his closeness to his mother. The fact that you didn’t complain then and were willing to play along, means if you really put in more efforts into this marriage and you will overcome these battles. The women that have positive stories to tell are those with elastic patience. Even the toughest battles bow to it at the end of the day. From this early, accept them for who they are. I am sure you have women like your mother-in-law as well as sister-in-law in your family. If you are able to put up with these women, there is no reason you cannot cope with these women. The same attitude you have adopted in tolerating and managing the excesses of every friend, relation as well as the negative sides of your own mother and sisters should be deployed by you into managing your present situation to make this marriage succeed. One way to ensure you remain relevant in the life of your husband is to stop complaining or forcing him to choose between you and his family. It would be the worst kind of mistake in your life because his mother and sister were in his life before you. Besides, you will also become a mother-in-law one day and how would you feel if your son suddenly abandons you for his wife? Life is a circle. What goes around comes around. You are simply acquiring experiences to handle similar issues in future. A lot of efforts go into motherhood. The expectation of every mother is to be repaid with care by the child she invested her entire adult life looking after. Whether you like it or not, you will in time to come become jealous of the woman who takes your place in your son’s life. It is an emotion most women cannot control. The difference is just the way the individual woman values life and its different seasons. While some mothers willingly bow out of the lives of their sons with grace, others simply cannot do it. No matter how painful their treatment of you is, learn to endure it. Overtime, you will smile as long as you have the right attitude towards life. Your husband’s headship of his family didn’t start overnight. You knew his position from the beginning. This minor fact should have alerted you to the challenges you would be facing from all his relations. It is only natural for them to feel your coming would upset whatever arrangements they had on ground. You are all like combatants squaring up for a fight. They are suspicious of you just as you are of them. The position your man occupies in his family demands you act as a mother to them. The role of a mother is that of acute perseverance and protection even when she is under pains and disappointments. To do otherwise is to expose your husband to challenges he should not face within his family circle. Though he appears to be more on their side than on yours; don’t get unnecessarily upset about it all. The secret is to device a means outside nagging or complaints to get him to listen to you. You have an advantage they don’t have; you are his wife! Use your intimacy to make him listen to your needs, see how bad you feel at being left at the mercy of his family, especially living in the family house. For instance, your desire to make him leave the family house could come as a wishful desire. During intimacy, wish for more privacy to really be together, do certain things like being naked in your private world. Use your knowledge of the things he likes about you to make him listen to those things you are not saying. Like a carrot before a hare, dangle your femininity before him. This is a form of language women who are wise have used through the ages to get their men to listen to the silent requests of their hearts. Once you are able to get him to move from the family house, you will be able to moderate some of the issues you are complaining about now. Also learn to pray. There is nothing prayers cannot achieve. Apart from bringing you close to God, it also teaches one the vital steps to take in every situation. Prayers give so much wisdom. It will tell you when silence is golden and when to speak. If you have to leave the house and go to where you can avoid confrontation, do it. If you can afford it, get a gas cooker to cook his meals in your room. This way you can cook what you want without having to go to the general kitchen. This doesn’t mean you cannot cook for the entire family in the general kitchen. Making this arrangement is to ensure your husband gets used to your cooking and person. It is also important to your survival, that you don’t get overly bothered about the reactions of your in-laws. Be polite, do what you can, refuse to be intimidated by them but learn to respect their relationship with your husband. Allow him the freedom to continue to be their breadwinner as long as he can cope with his responsibilities to you. Good luck.

He is being cruel to me

Dear Agatha, The guy I have been dating for six years traveled out of the country early this year. He promised to be back around June. But I noticed certain changes in him recently. When I pointed these changes out to him, rather than explain things to me, he accused me of complaining too much and that he cannot imagine marrying me. There was no name he didn’t call me. Unlike before when I could discuss anything with him, these days if I make attempts to talk to him about my troubles, he shuns me. He has even told me that I cannot force him to marry that if I can’t wait for him. I should find myself another man as he has no intention of coming back till next year. The most painful thing is that I don’t have another boyfriend because he made me what I am today. It is so painful he isn’t thinking about the good times we had. All he wants now is to terminate the relationship. Whenever he pings me, he takes to using abusive words on me. His mother said I should ignore him but I know something is wrong somewhere. I can’t tell my family because my stepmother has been complaining about him; it will afford them the opportunity to start saying different things. Please advice me on what to do because I have already told him if he desires a break up, he should be matured about it. I am planning to move on but I just can’t release my heart to another man. Betty. Dear Betty, Don’t be in a haste to go into another relationship. You need time to heal and take stock of the mistakes you made in your current relationship. Besides, he hasn’t told you expressly that you should go. There is no damage patience cannot repair. Despite making up your mind to move on, send him a detailed mail, chronicling how you both began, the promises you made to each other and how much you believed in those promises. Ask him where you went wrong and why it is so difficult for him to forgive you. Resist the urge to be bitter or condemning in your mail. Let him know you will never forget all the times he stood by you, holding up your hands when you thought it was over for you. Appreciate all those times he was there for you. Let him know you still love him and apologise for any offence you may have unknowingly committed. Give him time to digest and respond to your mail. If after a month, he still not forthcoming with a positive reply, send him another mail, asking him about the viability of the relationship especially what his current feelings for you really are. Nudge him into committing his feelings and conclusions into writing. This is all you need to move on. The reason you must patiently tackle this matter is not to offend his mother and other family members who like you. For posterity sake, show a close confidant of his copies of your mail to him as well as his responses. When you are sure of where he stands with you, respectfully go to his mother to explain everything to her as well as your decision to move on with your life. Absolve your self of any blame now or later in life. Another reason you should apply patience has to do with you not knowing what is happening to him in his host country. Sometimes, things don’t go the way we plan. You are not there with him neither do you know the challenges he is facing down there. There are certain challenges that can make people hostile to those they love. He could also be having the issue many immigrants experience in their host country. Because you are not there, nothing he says would make sense to you. There is a huge difference between reality and our perception of what life is over there. Out there, he cannot function with the freedom he does here. It is like living in a jungle where only the fittest survives. Because everybody that leaves this country for overseas is in search of a better life; time is of essence and so is funds management. Unlike here where he can always hustle for something, have friends to keep him company; it isn’t like that out there. Most people out there party with a lot of wisdom. They know what they put into making the money hence are not willingly to spend it at a sitting. He needs plenty of time to adjust to the situation on ground. Granted he may have promised to come back this year but that could have changed based on what he met on ground. Also don’t ignore the fact that we aren’t all alike; our reactions are very different. While some people can function very well under stress, others simply snap. Unfortunately, those close to us are the ones that suffer from our inability to manage our feelings. You could just be a victim of this. Lashing out at you is the only way he can get you to quit the relationship and free him from the burden of coming back home to a commitment. If things are not working the way they ought to, he doesn’t want you around telling him I told you so. He also certainly cannot cope with the added pressure of your demands with what he is going through. He thinks getting rid of you will give him the freedom to do as he wants. Rather than allow him to push you into a premature decision, for now, stop all contacts with him. Reply only if he writes or pings you. Don’t initiate anything but keep in touch with his family members. This is to give him the space he requires to clear things up in his mind. Besides, it is better for you if the decision to continue with the relationship comes from his mind. It is the only way you can be happy with him. Don’t also worry about the implications of you not calling him. It is best you know where you stand with him now than later. If he doesn’t come back to you, move on; there is a man out there specially made for you who would give you all the happiness and respect that appear to be missing from your current relationship. Again, the reason you must take your time to begin a new relationship is to ensure you are really over him and are not going into a new relationship out of a rebound. The danger of taking old wound into a new relationship is nuisance it constitutes in the relationship. It makes it almost impossible for the new relationship to be better than the previous disappointing one. This is because all the issues that crippled the previous relationship have been imported by the partner that is still bitter into the new relationship. This is why some people keep experiencing one disappointment or the other in relationships. This explains why you cannot release your heart to another man. You must complete the process of really getting over him for good because you can appreciate and date another man. The best thing under this present situation is to ask God for help either to have the patience to wait for you boyfriend or to move on in life. Tell God to make His wishes for you come true in your life. As for you stepmother and family members, you need them now more than before. Hearing their opinion could help you make the right decision. Why not listen to what your stepmother has against him? She may have seen what you were too blind to see. There is really no harm in hearing her out. It will help you make a wholesome decision. Good luck.

I’m fed up

Dear Agatha, I am a single mother of 32 years of age. My child is a result of repeated rapes. The man at the centre of it all abandoned me after he has had his fill of my body. Agatha, I have had more than my fair share of bitter experiences of this life. My child is now 13years of age and has started manifesting certain signs that are associated with adolescence but I do not know how to guide him and direct him. Recently, I observed he urinates frequently, like every five minutes. Is it normal? Could that be a sign of wet-dream? Please, Agatha, how do I become a very good mother to this boy, play the roles of both father and mother to him at the same time? Could you please give me a step by step way of teaching him the right things of this life? How do I start educating him on the changes that he has to expect at the stage in his life? I am a very worried woman. I have not been in any relationship for the past two years, this is not because I do not want to, but because I have not found the right person, the people I see around me are not to be trusted, usually, I expect a man to be my friend first, but those that come around from the day one, do not have anything good to offer because they are always impatient. I have been starving emotionally, I have a lot bothering my mind and there is no one to share these problems with. I have suddenly grown much older than my real age. Just few days ago, a colleague in the office approached me on an informal level and told me that the lines and wrinkles on my face were becoming too pronounced for a lady of my age and wanted to know what was worrying me but I told him that all was well since I do not want to bring my family problems to the office. I feel so scared, so insecured. I often feel my heart beat faster and get shocked at every little thing. I really want to have a man of my own, I want to get married but only to the right man, but the way things are going, I don’t know what to expect, but supposing the right man is not forth coming, how do I handle to the situation of becoming a single lady for the rest of my life. Sometimes, I want to end it all, the whole events of this life do not make sense to me any more. But each time, I want to do something drastic to myself I think about my child because he will really suffer if I am not there being the only parent he has but, still the thoughts and feelings of ending it all is becoming stronger than I can bear. I really do not know how long I can continue with this. I really don’t know. Ese Dear Ese, There is no contesting the issue, you are very depressed and it is no wonder, given the experiences you have had and currently going through. Depression is one of the worst kinds of mood swings to deal with especially when it gets to the point of considering suicide. Truthfully, you need both a psychologist and psychiatric to help you through this difficult stage of your life. Sadly there is nothing much they can do if you don’t first divorce yourself of all the painful memories of the past. Even though rape is one of the worst kinds of offences against womanhood, cruel as this may sound, you aren’t alone. Everyday, a woman goes through this experience and abuse from both strangers and familiar people. The fact that this man had access to you as much as he wanted, is an indication he is not a stranger to you, he is somebody you know and who can get to face the music of his abuse if you so wish. That he is free to roam the street is because you made the choice to let him be. Had you reported the matter to your parents or guardian when the abuses were going on, he may not have gone scot-free. If nothing, he would have at least been made to take responsibility for his child. Having made that choice not to face the annoying scandal raped women face when they make the attempt to report the matter, you must help yourself further by letting go of the painful memories of those years. I appreciate, it is a hard thing to do especially when you look at your son but it can happen if you give your heart and mind the chance to fill their spaces with another kind of love and thoughts. Think of how lonesome you would have been without the presence of that child. Think of the love and trust this child has for you. Being the only parent he has, you are everything to him. One of the advantages of being a single parent is, you don’t get to share the love of your child with anybody. If you do your job as a mother well, this will compensate your years of toil and pains. It won’t matter if you are the only parent he has. But to get this child to respect you, especially now that he is also going through natural traumatic biological changes, you must ignore your own problems and offer him your support, understanding and love to get his complete trust and compassion. A child is what parents, especially mothers make him or her. Your success is not dependent on your being part of a pair but on how much you value your position as a mother. Motherhood is about playing second fiddle to your own desires and needs at anytime attention is demanded by a child. There is no way your son can be happy, if he is constantly presented with a picture of an unhappy mother. You don’t have to sit this child down to tell him you are having problems. If people not living with you can detect it through your mien and presentation of the tell tale signs boldly written on your person, how much more this child who depends on you exclusively for everything? Your signals are too strong and potent for this boy who has known you all his life not to notice. He knows you are unhappy, he is worried at the consequences of all these on his future and relationship with you. This child is becoming insecured by your problems. His frequent urination may be a clear sign of his inner fears; that of losing you and all the insecurities that go with it. Being the only parent he has, understandably his worries are huge and deep. No doubt, your worries are real but for the sake of this child, you have to find ways to let go. Even if you are 32, you can still be happy. That you are a single mother doesn’t mean you cannot attract the attention of reasonable and responsible men. That you are only getting men who want sex isn’t as a result of you being single and a mother but because these types of men are in the majority. Most men these days are not very interested in the minds of a woman like they do about her body. So allowing that to worry you is akin to destroying yourself. You have a choice to agree to the demands of these men; lose the respect of your son in this process or disagree with their demands and preserve your respect in the mind of your son. Accepting your situation is the only way to confront this moment in your life. And this is where your attitude comes into focus. You can be alone without being lonely and you can be lonely despite being in the mist of people. It is the attitude you decide to adopt that would work for you at the end of the day. Learn to have positive attitude to life and its many challenges. If it is any assurance, there are some experiences worse than yours which the people involved have managed successfully. If it’s any help, things happen in one’s life because God wants to a point out of it to many others. But the purpose of your life would amount to nothing if you lack the strength of character to bring out light from this darkness. I happen to know this because I have gone through certain painful experiences which are today helping others to be happy. There is no way you can help this child if you are not happy. He needs a role model in you and to do that well, you have to overcome your own problems by refusing to be depressed. Take a look at yourself in the mirror. Do you like the person in it? If not, what can be done to help that person become happier and better looking? Change your look. Most often than not, our attitudes are at the root of our problems. Get yourself a new wardrobe or add some colours and cuts that are different from the old you. Furthermore, learn to be less critical of your situation and focused on your problems. We all have problems. It is just that some of us have mastered the act of wearing them like our under-wears. Wearing your problems like your top cloth makes it very visible for the world to see and ages faster than anything else in the world. This approach won’t help you. It might even drive your son away from you because after awhile, the child would rebel against the constant melancholy of being around you. Be determined to see the good side of your life through the gift of this child. Turn your mistakes to his strength by keying in into his world. Allow his innocence and well-being help you forget the accident of his birth. Learn to laugh with him so he would have the confidence to laugh at your mistakes and with you. Support him so he can support you to be in the majority with his presence and love. Be truthful and very honest to him about the circumstances surrounding his birth to equip him for the challenge of belonging to a single parent home. Telling him half truths or keeping quiet about it would only cause you problems later in life. But telling him the whole truth would give him the opportunity to have a glimpse into your life, help him to understand you and appreciate your situations better. The information would help balance his view about life and make him your number one cheerleader as well as friend. Once you have his confidence and respect, every other thing would fall into place and your task made easier. To be a good mother to him, it is essential you are his best friend which makes it possible for him to tell you everything happening to him. We all need a friend. Learn to trust someone whose support and words of encouragement would help you during difficult times and curtail your sad tendencies because at every turn in our life, we always need a friend to talk to. Above all, befriend God and allow Him through the gift of time help you forget and succeed. Good luck.

Another woman lives with my husband

Dear Agatha, I am a mother of five girls. I lost the sixth child who incidentally was a boy a day after I gave birth to him. It’s been two years since that incident. I have not taken in after I lost the baby. It really isn’t the reason I am writing you; rather it has to do with the determination of one woman to cause problems in my marriage. Funny enough, she is also married but having issues with her husband. She met my husband and fell in love with him. When I heard the rumours of their affairs, I called the lady to warn her off my husband and to inform her I wasn’t ready for polygamy. She ignored my calls and is as a matter of fact living with my husband at his station in Seme border. He comes home at times. I have done series of prayers to no avail. Please I need your advice. Worried Wife. Dear Worried Wife, You cannot win this battle living apart from your husband. The heart of the average man resides with the woman who cares for him. The other woman appears to be on top of this game because she is the one who cooks and tenders to him. Whether she is right for him or not, isn’t the worry of your husband for now. What interests him is the warmth he provides him with. Drastic situation as this requires radical action. It is either you make up your mind to accommodate this other woman as your mate or relocate to where your husband is. Prayers will work when you are ready to make the sacrifices that go with the answers to that prayer. It would have been a different thing if he hasn’t already been entrapped by this woman; you have to match your prayers with positive actions by being there with him. Only your presence can water down her influence over him. Don’t lose sight of the important things she is doing in his life; cooking and sex. Once a man has these two from a woman, there is nothing to stop him from marrying her but if you are there, it would be difficult for her to completely overwhelm him. You also must understand the reason your husband appears determined to marry another woman. The average African man believes in the male child. This is why you should desist from sending messages to this woman who in all sincerity, you don’t have any business with. Your husband wouldn’t have had the boldness to openly advertise his association with her if you didn’t make the mistake of calling her to warn her off your husband. Your call opened what he wanted to keep secret. It is your husband you have business with, not her. Since you have taken the laws into your hand to battle with a situation he has been trying to hide from you, he wants you to do your worst by asking her to live with him. You and I know that not having a male child isn’t your fault. You are only producing whatever he gives you since men are the ones that carry the X and Y chromosomes that determine the gender of children. If he persists in releasing the X chromosomes, you will keep producing girls and boys if he gives you the Y chromosomes. Therefore, you are in no way to blame for your lovely girls so don’t become frustrated by the gender of your children. Your disturbance might be the reason you have been unable to take in for two years. Besides, what will be will be! If God hasn’t destined him to have a male child in life, let him date countless number of women; they will all end up giving him females. You must learn to be on top of the situation else you will through rash and harsh actions create more complications for yourself. Your business is with your husband; not with the woman who currently lives with him or any other woman he may want to have an affair with. Stop giving them attention and focus on how to curry his favor back to you and your children. If he won’t allow you relocate to his station because of the children, don’t wait for him to be the only one coming to see you and the children. When they are on holidays, you all should come and visit him while you also make the sacrifice of going to see him as regularly as possible. Even though you didn’t say much, from the little you have said, there are plenty of issues in your marriage. If it is any help, there is no perfect marriage so give yourself some peace and rest of mind with which to look after your daughters. There is nothing that goes up that doesn’t come down. This hot romance threatening your home now will frizzle out soon. But its duration will be determined by the amount of patience you have as the woman of the house. The other woman has nothing to lose; rather you are the one that has too much to lose hence the need for extreme caution in this face of this provocation. Don’t forget too that you are also contending with distance, itself a real threat to the success of any marriage. You are limited by it in your quest to stabilise your home. The wise thing to do is to pretend the other woman doesn’t exist at all. By so doing, you create an oasis of succor for your marriage to throw strength and peace from. There is no way the other woman will be flawless. Every woman has her defects. Since she is the one trying to steal what isn’t hers, her impatience to entrench herself will definitely arise to mistakes on her part. Your refusal to condemn your husband as well as your deliberate effort to make him feel like a demi-god, will make him recall your early days together. This is what you should aim for-bringing back memories of those early days. Deep down, he is battling an ego problem and is worried about his lineage. It isn’t that he doesn’t want the girls but he is worried about his lack of heir. For this simple reason, you have to egg round him with plenty of love, tolerance and understanding of the many things that go on in the mind of a man who thinks his world isn’t complete without a male child. He is bound to misbehave and blame you for it. Just accept the fact that he isn’t at his most rational self. This is where prayer comes in. Pray for your husband to grow the peace and understanding to accept God’s will for him and pray for the husband of this woman to come back. Trust me; the other woman isn’t the issue in your marriage. She is a passenger that will disembark once her reason for coming into your marriage is over. If your husband decides to end the relationship today there is nothing she can do. So pray for him to appreciate the value in his female children as well as the benevolence of God because there are countless men out there praying for the miracle of a child. Importantly, use this period to properly scrutinize your marriage. What are the areas of your failure? Often than not we women after a while take things for granted in our homes. We erroneously come to the conclusion once married we can do and undo. Whatever my fellow women think, the world is increasingly becoming a man’s world. Whatever freedom we women think we have attained in terms of education and economic empowerment do not apply in the home. Unless lucky enough to marry a man who is implicitly devoted to his vows, the man’s wishes and desires still reign supreme in the home. You must always place his wishes and desires above your own If you want to enjoy your marriage. Ironically, the same set of women who give you the impetus and encouragement to fight it out with the man of the house are the same people that will wait to condemn you when the man calls your bluff. Wisdom demands you tread easily with your husband. If you have to go and beg him for any imaginary offence you have committed, do so as long as you have him back in your arms. Play the fool to get rid of this other woman. Furthermore, by refusing to acknowledge her presence in your husband’s life you reduce her to nothing of importance. Don’t forget you are the legal wife; a reason you must not do anything that will make you struggle from the disadvantaged position. Don’t worry; God will recover what is yours as long as you entrust Him with your everything. Good luck.

I cannot cope with his bulk

Dear Agatha, We got married three months ago. Our problem is my husband’s huge anatomy. It is not only huge but long. I never saw it before we got married. Lovemaking is a nightmare for me. He would keep going at it for more than 30 minutes before he finally discharges. What can I do to make him soft because it is usually very hard? Agnes. Dear Agnes, When a woman has your kind of challenge, the first thing she does is sit her husband down for a very frank talk. She must make him understand and appreciate her ability as well as the capacity of a woman’s anatomy. In all honesty, he may not know he is hurting you. To him, your silence means you are enjoying it; hence the extra efforts he puts into his performance. Most men don’t understand the woman’s discomfort in accommodating a man who is well endowed. Men seem to think the woman’s body is built to expand to all dimensions simply because her vagina can stretch to its limit during child birth. Unfortunately, the process of bringing a child into the world is different from lovemaking. During lovemaking, the vagina must be treated tenderly and lovingly to get the best out of it while at childbirth, it must undergo its limit to perform its function of providing a free passage to a new life. Besides, during lovemaking, its elasticity is simply to take the male organ in; not to have it disrupt the arrangement of her body. Make him understand that the elasticity of the vagina can expand to take in the size of any man but needs the support of the man to effectively accommodate and benefit from the pleasure of its existence in her. Explain your limitations as a woman to him. Don’t be ambiguous or afraid to communicate your state of mind to him. To pretend about it is to gradually destroy your marriage because soon, you will become apprehensive and resentful of him as well as his presence inside of you. This point must be well transmitted to him in a way he would not be offended or apprehensive about your ability to cope with his size. There is no way he would appreciate your feelings if you keep quiet about it. He would think, and rightly too that you have the quantum energy and capacity to fully take all of him in. He would keep riding you without thoughts for your comfort and enjoyment probably because for the first time in his adult life, he has a woman who isn’t afraid of his length and width. That simple thought is enough to motivate him to take advantage of the situation and become a little bit selfish in his quest to derive maximum satisfaction from it all. Honestly, you cannot condemn him since he may not have had the pleasure of such an accommodating woman. But explaining your discomfort to him will make him consider the options you both have especially as you are his wife and not a girlfriend he can simply dump for another woman. In your discussions with him, it is pertinent too you take him back to his bachelorhood days. Ask him if any of the women in his life ever complained about his anatomy. Follow with the question of how they coped and how he felt about their rejection. His answers will give you an insight into how to handle and tackle his psychology. Many a time, when a man is either too huge or small, he develops a psychological problem which his wife has to work around else she risks creating a secondary problem in her marriage; that of being accused by the man of having extra marital affairs. Men don’t take kindly to any criticism of their anatomy by a woman. Therefore, you have to be wise, friendly and diplomatic when discussing the issue with him. Absolute care must be taken by you not to hurt his pride or make him wonder if you are totally disenchanted with the whole concept of being married to him. As matter of fact as you can be, explain your feelings to him but don’t stop at that. Come up with workable alternate positions that will make it easier for you to accommodate him as well as make it, enjoyable for both of you. It is best you arm yourself with information by reading books and literature on how to cope with men who are extra large. Knowing what to say eliminates any ambiguity you may feel at the subject. If you investigate very well, there are some positions, you both can adopt for maximum satisfaction. He would also have to be careful not to go into you completely. These positions offer him the power of control at all times even when he is approaching his zenith. There is no way you can make him soft; but your imagination and willingess to take what is offered in your package is what will help your situation. Even when you have the right size, lovemaking works best when the couple has a sense of adventure and comfortable with the other. Your panacea is a very huge sense of adventure and fun to match his size. Good luck.

She doesn’t know his house after years of dating him

Dear Agatha, Please I need your help on this challenge I am facing. A friend of mine complained to me that her boyfriend of so many years is not bold enough to take her to his house even though he visits her regularly in her house. According to this friend, anytime she queries her boyfriend on his refusal to take her to his house, he tells her she cannot come unaccompanied by him to his place despite my friend being very familiar with the area he lives. She is of the view that her boyfriend is hiding something from her. Not only has she challenged him on the issue but has in addition accused him of hiding the existence of a wife from her. Rather than come out with the truth or take her to his house to assure my friend of his sincerity, he has kept her guessing at his refusal to take her to his house. His action is confusing because in all the years they have been dating, he hasn’t for once talked along the line of marriage but keeps telling her he loves her. He has been the only one visiting since they started. What do you think? Worried Friend. Dear Worried Friend, Although you didn’t say for how long your friend and her boyfriend have been dating, she should make efforts to know the man she is involved with. By virtue of their relationship, she has the right to know certain things about him especially as he isn’t forthcoming with any information concerning himself. I would be surprised if she knows anything about his family, friends and nature of his work. What would be her story if anything happens to him while he is with her? Who will she call? What if he is lying about everything he has told her including the bit about being single? Even if they are minors, the girl must know the nature and address of the man she is dating should any unforeseen happens. Since he is refusing to take her to his house despite her pressures on him, as a concerned friend, take it upon yourself to discreetly find out more about him; especially where he stays. It shouldn’t be difficult as your friend is familiar with the area he mentioned as being his neighbourhood. In addition, your friend should be more proactive with situations that have to do with her happiness and life. There is no point beating about the bush with her boyfriend. She should ask him pointedly what the future of their relationship is as well as the real reason he is refusing to take her home. This is very necessary to prevent a situation of her making the mistake of building too many dreams around a man who may not have plans for her. Her boyfriend won’t be committing any offence if tomorrow he leaves her for another woman or she founds out the he isn’t single. The point is, he hasn’t promised her anything. She is the one assuming that they are serious. From his behavior, it is obvious that he isn’t as serious as she is with him. It could be the reason he doesn’t want her to come to his house. Knowing what he thinks about the relationship will help her come to realistic decisions concerning her future instead of wasting her time on a relationship that may have nothing to offer her. Good luck.

Women scare me

Dear Agatha, Honestly, I really appreciate the way and manner you treat and proffer solutions to different relationship issues. I’m a man of 28 years of age and up till now that I’m writing you; I have no woman in my life. It’s not that I don’t have interest in women but approaching them is the problem, the fact that, I’m a gentle and shy guy makes it difficult for me to approach women. I have often stayed away from situations that could cause me embarrassment. While in the higher institution, there were many women who flocked around me being one of the brilliant students in our school. Then, they were always throwing themselves at me. I understood all their gimmicks and pranks but, to approach any of them was a big issue for me. Though, I don’t have a job since I finished service last year but, I always feel like having a woman in my life not for sexual purpose but someone to share my thoughts with. I will appreciate if you can help me. Thanks and may God continue to bless you. Akeem. Dear Akeem, God that created everything in pairs, didn’t make a mistake. There is no medication as powerful as companionship. Nothing compares to having someone to share your thoughts and feelings with. It is more powerful than sex which is just a part of the whole package. So, what you want isn’t out of place especially now that you don’t have a means of livelihood. It is also a fact that God also put the initiative to approach a woman on the man. All the time those ladies threw themselves at you; they were giving you a sort of soft landing. The true test of a man is his ability to confront and surmount tricky situation. You cannot be a man without experiencing the pains of rejection from members of the opposite sex. What would be your testimony at the end of the day? The joy of late life is to share whatever experiences you had as a young man with your children or other young men going through love aches. The heart of the man is built with extra shock absorbers to overcome the rejection of women. Your responsibility is to make the move, while the woman plays hard to get before submitting herself to the man. That a woman is proving to be difficult doesn’t mean total rejection. The best things of life are those things one struggles to get. If you didn’t study hard, make the necessary sacrifices for your tomorrow, you won’t be the brilliant man who attracted women with his brilliance while in school. So why are you so afraid of women? There is no mystery about approaching a woman. It is a matter of knowing what you want in a woman. Don’t approach a woman for the sake of doing so, do so because you found in her that something extra special; those enduring qualities you can identify with. Many a time, men simply approach a woman for the fun of it; not knowing what exactly they want from her. At your age, you should be clear minded about the kind of woman you want in your space. This is the task you must first get out of the way before approaching a woman. The worst kind of mistake you can make now after waiting for so long is to end up with the wrong woman which could happen if you aren’t definite about the kind of life you want for yourself. Theare is a huge difference between a woman having the right look and the one with the attitude to go with her looks. So many men want a pretty looking wife without considering if she has the temperament to go with it. For instance, you should by now be thinking of the kind of woman who would make you a good wife; that means having an idea of what it takes to make a man like you happy and contented. The thing about marriage is having a partner to compliment and cover one’s defects. Being shy, you need a woman, who can take the initiative; who is bold but respectful. For your home to run effectively, she cannot afford to be as shy as you are. No matter what your nature is, you will always need a woman in it so, it is high time you got a grip of yourself. Once you see a woman you like, approach her first as a friend. The period of friendship is to help you discover who she is. The unearthing of her person will help you come to a reasonable conclusion on whether or not to go on with the relationship. Because good things don’t come cheap; don’t be discouraged by whatever attitude the woman puts up at the beginning. As long as you are focused, know that it is the lot of the woman to play games with the hearts of men at that embryonic stage of a relationship; you have nothing to worry about. What you need is confidence in yourself and dreams. Don’t allow any woman make you appear inferior simply because you don’t have a job. The woman who supports your dream irrespective of your present condition, is the right one for you. Good luck. I cannot last for more than a minute DearAgatha. I am a guy of 30 years, hoping to get married very soon. But my problem is that I do not last more than a minute while having sex. My girl friend has been complaining about that since I started dating her. However, I have promised her that things will improve but up till now, nothing has improved. Could it be attributed to masturbation because I indulged in the act so much? If yes, how do I get over it to last up to three or four minutes or even more than that so as to satisfy my girl friend since I want to marry her? Emytex Dear Emytex, Simply as the act of lovemaking appears, it has so many complexities which a couple must understand and appreciate for maximum satisfaction. You have every right to be apprehensive because if the situation persists, you risk losing your girlfriend who after a while may get impatient with you. To help both of you get to that point of satisfaction, you must eliminate all obstacles that stand between you and getting optimum pleasure. You will need the help and understanding of the woman in your life. Call and seek her opinion on this; let her know you have a problem and would require her understanding to overcome. Pretending you can solve the problem yourself will only make it persist. This isn’t the time for you to display any male ego. You both need the understanding that it takes much more than the coming together of a man and woman to enjoy intimacy. Just as our faces are different, so are our erotic zones different. Though a man is stimulated by mere looks alone, the woman needs much more. Because you are the one with the problem, you need the understanding of your girlfriend to get yourself together again. Irrespective of whatever the outcome of the first expedition is, employ her in your second attempt to make it perfect for both of you; that is, ensuring she is almost there before mounting her. Once your timing coincides with hers, she won’t notice the brevity of your performance as a man. Use your fingers and tongue to get her ready; to ensure she appreciates your efforts and person as a man. With her support and devotion, you will get your timing right again. You are right about the contribution of masturbation to your problems. You have become used to a certain time of release and now that you have a woman in your life, it will take a long time for you to get past that time you have set for yourself in your private world. This is the reason you are finding it difficult to please your girlfriend. Don’t worry; with her help and sincerity, you will overcome this minor set back. Good luck.

I don’t want to make a mistake

Dear Agatha, There is this boy I have always addressed as my cousin when my father was alive. My sister and I used to visit them because our father said his mother was our aunty. When my father died, he came to the house to enquire about my welfare as well as what I doing. I told him I was looking for a place to do my Industrial Training (IT). He found me a place but I wasn’t comfortable with the way his reactions to me as well as what he was telling me. He later came with what he felt for me as well as a marriage proposal. I instantly told him there was no way I could marry my cousin. I was very upset with him. It was then he told me the truth that my late aunty wasn’t his biological mother that he mother was the second wife of his father. Still, I told him I was in a relationship with someone just to make him stay away from me. This is besides the fact that I know him to be a sickle cell patient. Despite what I told him about having a man in my life, he hasn’t stopped disturbing me. He has even challenged me to introduce my boyfriend to him. I am really tired of answering his calls. Now he wants to pay me a visit in school which I have declined. Please, should I tell him not to call me again or should I stop calling him because I don’t want to make mistakes in my choice of a life partner. Confused Lady Dear Confused Lady, Why are you still calling him if you aren’t interested in him? The fact that you are calling him at all; means you want him around you. This is why he has persisted in asking you out. Men are used to women saying no when they really want to say yes. So, be very definite on what you really want. Do you want him around you or not? And what are your real reasons for your proclaimed position? Has it to do with the fact that he is SS? If he didn’t, would you consider his request having addressed the issue of the status of your biological relationship? Mistakes we make in life begin by denying the truth to ourselves. Yes, he might be SS but that shouldn’t stop you from admitting your feelings towards him. To continue to turn him down without explaining why you think it impossible for both of you to have a relationship is wrong. Besides, what is your status? If you really like him and you are AA; both of you can marry since there is no possibility of you both producing SS children. But if you keep running away from him without admitting the truth to yourself or anybody, you will end up making the mistake of assumption, one factor that leads to life long regrets. Even if you are unsuitable to marry each other going by your genotypes, still you owe him the truth. It won’t stop you from taking your decisions but it will help preserve a relationship that dates back to the early days of your lives when your parents introduced you both as cousins. This is the relationship you should try to conserve, notwithstanding what you think or feel about his current disposition towards you. Besides, was it an offence for him to declare his feelings for you? Your reactions make his feelings for you appear like an abomination; why do find his feelings for you so objectionable? Is it the fact that you are angry with yourself for feeling something you think you should not feel for him or that you are unable to read your feelings towards him and his proposal? Whatever, learn to be honest withyourself. It is the only way to confront and tackle this emotional impasse you have woven around yourself. The truth is, if you didn’t care, are indifferent to him, you wouldn’t have lied to him about having an imaginary relationship. Ensure you investigate this angle properly to avoid the mistake you are so afraid of making. Good luck.

Should I disobey God?

Dear Agatha, I am a Christian, waiting on the Lord for so many things. He hasn’t answered. Recently, I was told I will be marrying a pastor. Ordinarily, I should be happy and honoured but I don’t. I actually feel disillusioned. I usually listen to what God says but in this situation, I don’t feel excitement or happy as I should. I feel annoyed. I’ve never had a relationship before. Am I sounding ungrateful? Is it so bad to marry a man of God or should I just do what I like? But I don’t want to disobey God because I know the consequences of doing so. What do you think, Agatha? Abiola Dear Abiola, Who am I to counter what God has decreed? You and I know the consequences of disobedience are severe. Nobody in history who disobeyed God has a pleasant story to tell. As a Christian who has established a working and walking relationship with God, you know what He says; He does irrespective of what we mere mortals think. Since marrying a pastor is your destiny, quietly go on your knees to ask him to give you the strength and courage to be a good wife to your husband. The serious issue here isn’t the man you are going to marry but your own ability to live up to the expectations of God in the life of the man. There are so many challenges that go with marriage and in particular with being married to a pastor. As a pastor’s wife, there are certain things you must never take for granted or do like other women. These are the challenges you should begin to prepare yourself for rather than reject the idea of submitting to the will of God for you. Begin to read books written by wives of successful pastors on their experiences and how they overcame the inherent fear women generally have at the idea of being married to a pastor. You will discover that many wives of pastors started with resentment and the question, “why me?” The reason for this often asked question by women blessed to be wives of pastors isn’t farfetched. the human nature is naturally programmed to rebel against the unusual. Besides the human nature arbors anything that reminds it of the essence of living an holy life; it is more at home with the bright and fast side of life which is why many women irrespective of their own beliefs inwardly protest the extra assignment being in a pastor’s wife demand of them. Also the way certain men of God present Him to the world make God appear to be ever frowning and always waiting to punish any mistake of his children. They through their teachings, presentations present God, not as a loving, merciful and caring father who is always ready to forgive our sin once we ask, but as a God who is forever angry and so unfriendly. Their interpretation of the God Head makes Him unattractive to serve and work for. For the woman, combining the challenge of a critical husband with the nerve-racking presence of a God whose image has been presented as ominous could really be frightful. But if you have been close to God, you know He is much more than some of His representatives make Him out to be. He is not just God but a very loving and caring Father who at all times protects His own. All He demands of you is to hand over the assignment He has given you back to Him. Once you allow Him direct you, take charge and dictate the pace, you will succeed in your life given assignment as a pastor’s wife. Ask Him for extra patience, assistance, understanding as well as wisdom to be the kind of wife that will help the man he wants you to marry to succeed in his task as his servant. Sometimes in our bid to exercise our God given free will, we forget our essence and end up hurting our relationship with him. This is the juncture you are in now. Don’t allow what you think is good for you come between you and Him. Always remember, He won’t lead you to where you will be disgraced or give you an assignment beyond your limits. In all honesty, He wont stop you from doing what you want but the question you should ask yourself is, would you be happy without His presence in your life, marriage or decisions? For anyone who has been close to Him, staying without Him for a second can be disastrous. Besides while struggle with someone whose law you cannot change and who at the end of the day will have His way irrespective of what you think or say? Its useless struggling against His will so give in to His decision will all humility. Good luck.

My husband complains too much

Dear Agatha, Caring as my husband of six months is, he complains too much. If he isn’t complaining about my way of dressing, it would be about the way I make love. Can you imagine him comparing my lovemaking to the way his ex makes love and telling me to my face that he enjoyed her movements better than he does mine? He even called me a different name the other day we were arguing over something. When I got angry, he told me I had no reason to be angry because no woman he has ever dated goes by the name he called me just as I have no reason to be angry over what he said about his ex. He has two children from his previous marriage. In fairness to the children, they are very nice to me but I am worried about my husband’s reasoning. Just the other day, he asked in front of our guests if the children had eaten when he knows that since coming into his house I give the children the right to go into my pot to dish their food the way they want. I adopted this attitude for two reasons; it is the way he brought them up and I don’t want them to complain about the quantity of food I give them. I want them to be free and eat as they want. I was very upset but because there were other people around, I didn’t make any comment beyond replying him that they have eaten. When I brought the matter up after our guests have left, he said, he didn’t mean it the way I interpreted it but only asked when he went into the kitchen and saw all the pots empty. He said he thought I served him and his friends all the food in the pot without considering the children. I felt insulted and bad that he could think such a thing of me when all I have done since coming into his house is to be a mother to the children. Severally, I have also had reasons to caution him against the way he nags his nieces and nephews over issues that should ordinarily be ignored. What, however, piques me is the way he pampers his children when they commit the same offences he growls others over. His children can do no wrong, not even when they come into our room unannounced at very odd hours or take things without permission. He keeps coming up with excuses to defend their behaviour. Having studied the kind of person he is, I have learnt to ignore the children even when they are misbehaving. For instance, since he hasn’t taught them the value of clearing plates and cups they use in eating from the table or wherever they decide to use as their eating spots, irritating as I find the habit, I have also learnt to turn a blind eye because during the first few days of my coming when I tried to effect some orderliness, I didn’t get any support from him. Instead, he heaped the blame on the house-girl for not cleaning after two teenagers. I am two months pregnant. I love him but his attitude is beginning to bother me. First, I don’t want my child to be brought up the way he has done with his first set of children. I am of the firm belief that a child should be brought up with some measure of discipline and I am beginning to be irritated by his constant criticisms. I don’t want a broken home hence my decision to come to you for help now that I can still listen to good counsel. Sumbo Dear Sumbo, Frankly, you are a very lucky woman to be having these challenges so early in your marriage. If well managed, you will have a wonderful marriage at the end of the day. Once you are able to tackle these issues now, nothing he does or fails to do will again move you to anger or to the kind of apprehension you are currently feeling. One thing you must understand at this early stage of your marriage is the lack of perfect marriage. Every marriage comes with its set of flaws. This is because it involves human beings. By nature, we all come with different gradations of faults. The fact that you are the one complaining doesn’t mean you are without errors too. I am sure, if your husband is asked to list your defects, he too will come up with unarguable points that will make him appear as the angel in the relationship. If you keep focusing on his limitations only, you will never develop the resolve needed to make this marriage work. Every relationship, including the ones we have with our parents, siblings and relatives, require super human efforts to keep them going. Every day, we make sacrifices to keep one relationship or the other afloat. Without these sacrifices, the world will be cold and bereft of the warmth relationships give to our lives. Despite the many complaints he makes everyday, his love gives you an inexplicable uplift in your soul and spirit. To better appreciate this point, try imagining life without him for a second; how do you feel? Won’t you rather live with his many faults than without him? If you are honest, you will discover that some of the things you are complaining about in him are the things that set him apart from all the other men that came for your hand in marriage. Even though at the time you were making up your mind, you couldn’t pin-point the reason you placed him above all the other men that came your way, these faults are part of the whole makeup of the man you fell for. They are the things that gave him the edge over all the other men. Therefore, rather than be offended by these flaws, learn to manage him as best as you can. When next he complains about your dress sense and love making; tell him that he too is as lousy as you are in these areas but that you are tolerating him because you love him too much to let go. Let him know that a good leader doesn’t make fun of the inability of his followers but go out of his way to teach the followers to be as good, if not better than he is. The fact that he has been unable to teach you how to perform better than he met you in bed means he is a bad leader. So don’t allow whatever he said about your performance or that of the other woman bother you. Make it clear to him that you cannot be better than your leader; for him to enjoy you better in bed; he has to teach you to please him. Whatever erotic knowledge he learnt from that lady should be transferred to you. On the issue of the name he called you, for the sake of your own peace, forget it. Doubtless, it hurts but fighting him over the issue will only create tension in your home and that would be giving him a reason to go into the arms of that woman. Don’t ever fight your man over any woman because that other woman is waiting for you to do that to move into your position. Besides, what assurances do you have that the next man would be better? When it comes to extra marital affairs, nearly all men are guilty so why make an issue of something that will break your home or cause you sleepless nights? The important thing should be that he keeps her away from you. Insist on that. As for the attitude of the children, ignore them. As long as their father is ready to pay the house-help to clean after them, don’t brew a storm in a tea cup. Besides, most teenagers are like that. You and I went through our teenage rebellion. If they are boys, be prepared to be extra tolerant because at that age, boys are almost unmanageable. It takes extra open-mindedness to curb their excesses. On the issue of your dress sense, best you ask him how he wants you to appear. Don’t dismiss all his complaints. We all need such complaints from time to time to help us improve on certain areas of our lives. And if they are out to frustrate you, by ignoring them, you deflate them. Trust me, there is no marital problem that patience and prayers don’t resolve. Good luck.

I think he is cheating on me

Dear Agatha, How do I treat my husband whom I believe is cheating on me even though he has not for once accepted that he is cheating on me? Please help. Worried Wife. Dear Worried Wife, Perish the thoughts that he would admit to an affair. No man would ever tell his wife he is having an extra marital affair. He will continue to deny it unless you catch him red-handed or he has the bad-luck of the other woman getting pregnant. So asking him is an exercise in futility. Also, the quickest way of losing your husband to the other woman is to make things difficult for him at home. A man looking for an excuse to go outside his home for fun, would only be too willing to use his wife’s hostility to underscore his reason for finding peace in the arms of another woman. Since you think he is already into an extra-marital relationship, your best attitude should be that of a loving and supportive wife. You must give him a reason to always want to come back home and not run away from you. Remember something made him go into that relationship in the first place and since you don’t know precisely what it is, remain calm and pretend you don’t even know he is romancing another woman. The essence of this is to help you achieve that equilibrium that would give you the kind of peace to win him back into your arms and bed. And one of such ways is to begin by examining yourself. Granted men are born polygamists and some actually don’t need any reason to begin an affair, the truth however remains that most of the time; women give them reasons to look outside their homes for those extra bits. Even though many women are improving on their looks, there is still a lot to be said when it comes to attitude and disposition to matters concerning their homes and husbands. Gradually, women, no thanks to good education and exposure are becoming arrogant at home. The average man, no matter his position wants a woman who will allow him play the lead role at home. This is the way God has structured the average man to behave. Therefore, anything or situation that threatens this God given sovereignty is seen by him as an affront hence his constant need to find a woman who will always massage this ego. Have you at anytime given him reason to think you are trying to challenge him? Many a time those little things we ignore or take for granted are the very things that become huge problems for us in our marriages. What has he consistently complained about in your marriage and with your person? What has been the persistent challenge in your marriage? And what have been your reactions to these complains? An honest reappraisal would help you come to a fair conclusion on where you have gone wrong as well as the possible reasons for his straying. Once you are able to pin-point your own faults, work on them with a view of making your home more appealing to your husband. For now, pretend you don’t even suspect him of having any interest outside you. Use your knowledge of him, the advantage of being his wife to neutralise the hold the other woman has over him. Every marriage needs upgrading through refresher courses. While you work on your own weakness, read up books on how to improve your relationship with your spouse. When a man goes out of his home, sex and his welfare are often than not his reasons. Don’t be shy to look at the quality of sex between the two of you. if you were to grade it, how would you score yourself? This isn’t time to be shy, religious or cautious because you are married hence free to enjoy the thrills of sex. For any marriage to remain relevant and happy, both parties must take care not to allow sex become boring or a routine. If he has some fantasies, oblige him if that would make him happy at that moment. You can lovingly tell him later what you think about a particular position and how you think another kind of style would benefit you both the more. You also must have imaginations of your own. Often time women get scared to ask and introduce quality sex into their marriages. The irony of it is that the same innovations married women are afraid of introducing into their love lives are the same things that girlfriends use in luring and entrapping married men. Whether you like it or not, varieties in sexual styles oil the wheels of matrimony. It also helps the couples stay in tune with each other. Check your marital sexual chart, observe its low points and do everything to make it appealing. If you get this right, you won’t have to do anything extra-ordinary to bring your husband back home. Even where he appears indifferent, don’t let his attitude get to you; continue to follow your new plans on how to get him back. Follow up with good meals, gifts, friendly disposition, listening ears as well as creating a peaceful home for him. No matter the emotional pains you are going through, calm down to properly articulate what you have to do to make your home succeed. Don’t forget that you are the one in the disadvantaged position now. He is having his fill of fun from the other woman and may not really be bothered with how you feel for the time being. If you make the mistake of nagging him or make the home too hostile for him to come back to, you may never be able to completely wean him of his need to stray. It isn’t every time a man strays or appears not in a hurry to leave his girlfriend that juju is involved. Neither would prayers erase a problem that needs practical steps. Just as this isn’t the right time to question his moves. Plenty of time for that. What you need is to learn to be humble and exercise wisdom to make your home happy again. This is more important now than worrying over the other woman. By giving him his due respect, you elevate him position of prime importance in your life. This is what men want from women at all time and what would always tilt the scale in your favor even when he goes out. Good luck. He is always demanding for sex Dear Agatha, I am 20 years of age and in my third year of Senior Secondary School, (SSS). I have a boyfriend that is 28 years of age. He is an unemployed graduate. I love him very much and praying that God will make it possible for both of us to get married. He really has all the qualities I have always wanted in a man but he is always demanding for sex from me. Please help me out. Funke. Dear Funke, Be careful. It is alright to fall in love and have dreams about the future with the kind of man you think would make you happy. However, there is the need for you at your age to be cautious. There are so many reasons for you to be careful and be watchful of the men you allow into your space. For you, it is not so much about your age but the academy years you have ahead of you. If at 20, you are in SSS 3, it goes without saying that you are just starting out in terms of your educational journey in life. In the first instance, you don’t even have the basic certificate to pave your way into higher education; the reason you should forget about men for now and concentrate on your studies. You need to pass convincingly well to gain admission into the university. This is because out there, are millions of successful secondary school students looking for admission into the university. These days, only the best of the best are admitted into the universities or polytechnics. This is why you should concentrate all your efforts on your education. He has nothing to lose but you have a lot to if you allow him into your body. Not only do you risk getting pregnant but also ending your education at least for the time being. And by the time you are ready to come back to your educational pursuit, you may not be able to withstand the social shame of going back to finish your secondary school considering the age you would be at that time. If this man really loves you, he should patiently wait for you to be ready as he is; finish your education like he has done. He should know that sex for you now would be a huge distraction. Besides, with what does he plan to take care of you should an accident of pregnancy occur? Any man wishing to be intimate with a woman must have the resources to take care of her when incidences like unplanned pregnancies occur. Next time he demands for sex, in addition to telling him the kind of future you plan for yourself, ask him how he intends caring for you and a baby if the act leads to you becoming pregnant? And if he insists on quitting the relationship on account of you not giving in to him, allow him go. Chances are what you think are the right qualities may not be. Don’t be afraid to subject what you feel for him to test. Relationship as with every other thing in life has to be subjected to the different ounces of life. Be bold in taking your destiny in your hands. There is always time and season for everything. Your season now is to pay more attention to your education and not to place the matter of relationship above what is important to you now. Your ideal man should be more interested in growing your mind than your body. Good luck.

My parents don’t like her

Dear Agatha, I am 25 years old in a serious relationship with a 23 year old lady. I really love this girl but the problem is that my parents don’t want to see this girl. Please help me out. Confused Solomon Dear confused Solomon, What an elder sees from the bottom of the stair case, a child even at the roof top cannot see. Granted in some cases, parents, especially women, add so many things up to pass judgment on their prospective daughters-in-law; it is only wise you ask your parents why they are against her. They may have observed certain things concealed in her character that are oblivious to you. It is only when you ask questions that you get proper directions. Walk up to your parents to ask why they are against her. Listen with your head and not your heart because a heart in love is blind and deaf to reasons other than the one it seeks. Be objective. Scrutinize everything they have to say before making your conclusions. Because we are all not created with the same qualities, her flaws maybe the strength you need to succeed. If your parents’ are not tenable, don’t push them away; tell them you have heard while you further probe whatever they have said. In all these, belief in your dreams and hold on to them always, come rain, come storm. That is the only way to be happy. Listen to your parents but if you are sure of your love for this lady, market her to them, do everything in your power to convince them that she is the one meant for you and that it doesn’t matter to you if marrying her holds more challenges for you than any other woman. Don’t forget the test of a true man is his ability to hold on to his dreams and confront head long challenges. The infallible nature of man makes it imperative for him to be more tolerant of the imperfection in another person. Good luck.