He is being cruel to me

Dear Agatha, The guy I have been dating for six years traveled out of the country early this year. He promised to be back around June. But I noticed certain changes in him recently. When I pointed these changes out to him, rather than explain things to me, he accused me of complaining too much and that he cannot imagine marrying me. There was no name he didn’t call me. Unlike before when I could discuss anything with him, these days if I make attempts to talk to him about my troubles, he shuns me. He has even told me that I cannot force him to marry that if I can’t wait for him. I should find myself another man as he has no intention of coming back till next year. The most painful thing is that I don’t have another boyfriend because he made me what I am today. It is so painful he isn’t thinking about the good times we had. All he wants now is to terminate the relationship. Whenever he pings me, he takes to using abusive words on me. His mother said I should ignore him but I know something is wrong somewhere. I can’t tell my family because my stepmother has been complaining about him; it will afford them the opportunity to start saying different things. Please advice me on what to do because I have already told him if he desires a break up, he should be matured about it. I am planning to move on but I just can’t release my heart to another man. Betty. Dear Betty, Don’t be in a haste to go into another relationship. You need time to heal and take stock of the mistakes you made in your current relationship. Besides, he hasn’t told you expressly that you should go. There is no damage patience cannot repair. Despite making up your mind to move on, send him a detailed mail, chronicling how you both began, the promises you made to each other and how much you believed in those promises. Ask him where you went wrong and why it is so difficult for him to forgive you. Resist the urge to be bitter or condemning in your mail. Let him know you will never forget all the times he stood by you, holding up your hands when you thought it was over for you. Appreciate all those times he was there for you. Let him know you still love him and apologise for any offence you may have unknowingly committed. Give him time to digest and respond to your mail. If after a month, he still not forthcoming with a positive reply, send him another mail, asking him about the viability of the relationship especially what his current feelings for you really are. Nudge him into committing his feelings and conclusions into writing. This is all you need to move on. The reason you must patiently tackle this matter is not to offend his mother and other family members who like you. For posterity sake, show a close confidant of his copies of your mail to him as well as his responses. When you are sure of where he stands with you, respectfully go to his mother to explain everything to her as well as your decision to move on with your life. Absolve your self of any blame now or later in life. Another reason you should apply patience has to do with you not knowing what is happening to him in his host country. Sometimes, things don’t go the way we plan. You are not there with him neither do you know the challenges he is facing down there. There are certain challenges that can make people hostile to those they love. He could also be having the issue many immigrants experience in their host country. Because you are not there, nothing he says would make sense to you. There is a huge difference between reality and our perception of what life is over there. Out there, he cannot function with the freedom he does here. It is like living in a jungle where only the fittest survives. Because everybody that leaves this country for overseas is in search of a better life; time is of essence and so is funds management. Unlike here where he can always hustle for something, have friends to keep him company; it isn’t like that out there. Most people out there party with a lot of wisdom. They know what they put into making the money hence are not willingly to spend it at a sitting. He needs plenty of time to adjust to the situation on ground. Granted he may have promised to come back this year but that could have changed based on what he met on ground. Also don’t ignore the fact that we aren’t all alike; our reactions are very different. While some people can function very well under stress, others simply snap. Unfortunately, those close to us are the ones that suffer from our inability to manage our feelings. You could just be a victim of this. Lashing out at you is the only way he can get you to quit the relationship and free him from the burden of coming back home to a commitment. If things are not working the way they ought to, he doesn’t want you around telling him I told you so. He also certainly cannot cope with the added pressure of your demands with what he is going through. He thinks getting rid of you will give him the freedom to do as he wants. Rather than allow him to push you into a premature decision, for now, stop all contacts with him. Reply only if he writes or pings you. Don’t initiate anything but keep in touch with his family members. This is to give him the space he requires to clear things up in his mind. Besides, it is better for you if the decision to continue with the relationship comes from his mind. It is the only way you can be happy with him. Don’t also worry about the implications of you not calling him. It is best you know where you stand with him now than later. If he doesn’t come back to you, move on; there is a man out there specially made for you who would give you all the happiness and respect that appear to be missing from your current relationship. Again, the reason you must take your time to begin a new relationship is to ensure you are really over him and are not going into a new relationship out of a rebound. The danger of taking old wound into a new relationship is nuisance it constitutes in the relationship. It makes it almost impossible for the new relationship to be better than the previous disappointing one. This is because all the issues that crippled the previous relationship have been imported by the partner that is still bitter into the new relationship. This is why some people keep experiencing one disappointment or the other in relationships. This explains why you cannot release your heart to another man. You must complete the process of really getting over him for good because you can appreciate and date another man. The best thing under this present situation is to ask God for help either to have the patience to wait for you boyfriend or to move on in life. Tell God to make His wishes for you come true in your life. As for you stepmother and family members, you need them now more than before. Hearing their opinion could help you make the right decision. Why not listen to what your stepmother has against him? She may have seen what you were too blind to see. There is really no harm in hearing her out. It will help you make a wholesome decision. Good luck.