My husband complains too much

Dear Agatha, Caring as my husband of six months is, he complains too much. If he isn’t complaining about my way of dressing, it would be about the way I make love. Can you imagine him comparing my lovemaking to the way his ex makes love and telling me to my face that he enjoyed her movements better than he does mine? He even called me a different name the other day we were arguing over something. When I got angry, he told me I had no reason to be angry because no woman he has ever dated goes by the name he called me just as I have no reason to be angry over what he said about his ex. He has two children from his previous marriage. In fairness to the children, they are very nice to me but I am worried about my husband’s reasoning. Just the other day, he asked in front of our guests if the children had eaten when he knows that since coming into his house I give the children the right to go into my pot to dish their food the way they want. I adopted this attitude for two reasons; it is the way he brought them up and I don’t want them to complain about the quantity of food I give them. I want them to be free and eat as they want. I was very upset but because there were other people around, I didn’t make any comment beyond replying him that they have eaten. When I brought the matter up after our guests have left, he said, he didn’t mean it the way I interpreted it but only asked when he went into the kitchen and saw all the pots empty. He said he thought I served him and his friends all the food in the pot without considering the children. I felt insulted and bad that he could think such a thing of me when all I have done since coming into his house is to be a mother to the children. Severally, I have also had reasons to caution him against the way he nags his nieces and nephews over issues that should ordinarily be ignored. What, however, piques me is the way he pampers his children when they commit the same offences he growls others over. His children can do no wrong, not even when they come into our room unannounced at very odd hours or take things without permission. He keeps coming up with excuses to defend their behaviour. Having studied the kind of person he is, I have learnt to ignore the children even when they are misbehaving. For instance, since he hasn’t taught them the value of clearing plates and cups they use in eating from the table or wherever they decide to use as their eating spots, irritating as I find the habit, I have also learnt to turn a blind eye because during the first few days of my coming when I tried to effect some orderliness, I didn’t get any support from him. Instead, he heaped the blame on the house-girl for not cleaning after two teenagers. I am two months pregnant. I love him but his attitude is beginning to bother me. First, I don’t want my child to be brought up the way he has done with his first set of children. I am of the firm belief that a child should be brought up with some measure of discipline and I am beginning to be irritated by his constant criticisms. I don’t want a broken home hence my decision to come to you for help now that I can still listen to good counsel. Sumbo Dear Sumbo, Frankly, you are a very lucky woman to be having these challenges so early in your marriage. If well managed, you will have a wonderful marriage at the end of the day. Once you are able to tackle these issues now, nothing he does or fails to do will again move you to anger or to the kind of apprehension you are currently feeling. One thing you must understand at this early stage of your marriage is the lack of perfect marriage. Every marriage comes with its set of flaws. This is because it involves human beings. By nature, we all come with different gradations of faults. The fact that you are the one complaining doesn’t mean you are without errors too. I am sure, if your husband is asked to list your defects, he too will come up with unarguable points that will make him appear as the angel in the relationship. If you keep focusing on his limitations only, you will never develop the resolve needed to make this marriage work. Every relationship, including the ones we have with our parents, siblings and relatives, require super human efforts to keep them going. Every day, we make sacrifices to keep one relationship or the other afloat. Without these sacrifices, the world will be cold and bereft of the warmth relationships give to our lives. Despite the many complaints he makes everyday, his love gives you an inexplicable uplift in your soul and spirit. To better appreciate this point, try imagining life without him for a second; how do you feel? Won’t you rather live with his many faults than without him? If you are honest, you will discover that some of the things you are complaining about in him are the things that set him apart from all the other men that came for your hand in marriage. Even though at the time you were making up your mind, you couldn’t pin-point the reason you placed him above all the other men that came your way, these faults are part of the whole makeup of the man you fell for. They are the things that gave him the edge over all the other men. Therefore, rather than be offended by these flaws, learn to manage him as best as you can. When next he complains about your dress sense and love making; tell him that he too is as lousy as you are in these areas but that you are tolerating him because you love him too much to let go. Let him know that a good leader doesn’t make fun of the inability of his followers but go out of his way to teach the followers to be as good, if not better than he is. The fact that he has been unable to teach you how to perform better than he met you in bed means he is a bad leader. So don’t allow whatever he said about your performance or that of the other woman bother you. Make it clear to him that you cannot be better than your leader; for him to enjoy you better in bed; he has to teach you to please him. Whatever erotic knowledge he learnt from that lady should be transferred to you. On the issue of the name he called you, for the sake of your own peace, forget it. Doubtless, it hurts but fighting him over the issue will only create tension in your home and that would be giving him a reason to go into the arms of that woman. Don’t ever fight your man over any woman because that other woman is waiting for you to do that to move into your position. Besides, what assurances do you have that the next man would be better? When it comes to extra marital affairs, nearly all men are guilty so why make an issue of something that will break your home or cause you sleepless nights? The important thing should be that he keeps her away from you. Insist on that. As for the attitude of the children, ignore them. As long as their father is ready to pay the house-help to clean after them, don’t brew a storm in a tea cup. Besides, most teenagers are like that. You and I went through our teenage rebellion. If they are boys, be prepared to be extra tolerant because at that age, boys are almost unmanageable. It takes extra open-mindedness to curb their excesses. On the issue of your dress sense, best you ask him how he wants you to appear. Don’t dismiss all his complaints. We all need such complaints from time to time to help us improve on certain areas of our lives. And if they are out to frustrate you, by ignoring them, you deflate them. Trust me, there is no marital problem that patience and prayers don’t resolve. Good luck.