My mother-in-law is making my life miserable

Dear Agatha, I am a regular reader of your column. I am 26 years of age. I have a life-eating problem and I believe you can help me. I married a mummy’s pet kind of husband who tells his mother everything we discuss and do in the house. Naturally, his mother sees me as an obstacle, even though he pretends about it. Although she doesn’t shout at me but she has a way of making my life in that house hell on earth. For instance, if my husband has the urge to eat a particular kind of food and I make attempt to cook what my husband wants, she would come to the kitchen to tell me that the particular food is forbidden in that house. The worst thing is that when my husband comes and I tell him what his mother said, he won’t say anything. Although he is the breadwinner of the family, he cannot stand up to his people to defend me. The resultant effect is that I am on my own, begging them to like me a little bit but it seems the harder I try to please them, the more determined they are to make my life unbearable in their brother’s house. I have been begging my husband to relocate, at least, a little far away from the family so that I can enjoy my very young marriage but he has refused to listen to me. His excuse is that I would soon be back in school which is six hours drive from home. Anytime I raise the issue of the treatment I get from his family, he is instant in defending them. His mother is in charge of my less than a year old marriage. And it appears this is going to be the pattern of my marriage as my husband in his wisdom, built his personal house within the vicinity of the family house. My sister-in-law who is also at home is over 30 years of age and she too is another source of my headache. I am dying slowly. Please help me. Confused Wife. Dear Confused Wife, Marriage is a school of endurance, patience, understanding, prayers and wisdom. Like bitter leaf, every new marriage must first go through a process of adjustment before it can become sweet. It is unfortunate that you are starting your marriage this way, but a lot of the issues you raised started long before you got married to him. Perhaps a combination of inexperience, misconception of what marriage is all about and lack of sincerity on your part are the reasons you are going through this crisis. For instance, there is no way you wouldn’t have noticed from the very beginning that your man is a mummy’s boy. This is something he couldn’t have hidden from you. Any man close to his mother manifests it wherever he goes. He must have, during your courtship days, done one or two things to make it clear to you that his mother is his final authority. You didn’t complain then because like most women, you thought you could handle the situation and make him forget his closeness to his mother. The fact that you didn’t complain then and were willing to play along, means if you really put in more efforts into this marriage and you will overcome these battles. The women that have positive stories to tell are those with elastic patience. Even the toughest battles bow to it at the end of the day. From this early, accept them for who they are. I am sure you have women like your mother-in-law as well as sister-in-law in your family. If you are able to put up with these women, there is no reason you cannot cope with these women. The same attitude you have adopted in tolerating and managing the excesses of every friend, relation as well as the negative sides of your own mother and sisters should be deployed by you into managing your present situation to make this marriage succeed. One way to ensure you remain relevant in the life of your husband is to stop complaining or forcing him to choose between you and his family. It would be the worst kind of mistake in your life because his mother and sister were in his life before you. Besides, you will also become a mother-in-law one day and how would you feel if your son suddenly abandons you for his wife? Life is a circle. What goes around comes around. You are simply acquiring experiences to handle similar issues in future. A lot of efforts go into motherhood. The expectation of every mother is to be repaid with care by the child she invested her entire adult life looking after. Whether you like it or not, you will in time to come become jealous of the woman who takes your place in your son’s life. It is an emotion most women cannot control. The difference is just the way the individual woman values life and its different seasons. While some mothers willingly bow out of the lives of their sons with grace, others simply cannot do it. No matter how painful their treatment of you is, learn to endure it. Overtime, you will smile as long as you have the right attitude towards life. Your husband’s headship of his family didn’t start overnight. You knew his position from the beginning. This minor fact should have alerted you to the challenges you would be facing from all his relations. It is only natural for them to feel your coming would upset whatever arrangements they had on ground. You are all like combatants squaring up for a fight. They are suspicious of you just as you are of them. The position your man occupies in his family demands you act as a mother to them. The role of a mother is that of acute perseverance and protection even when she is under pains and disappointments. To do otherwise is to expose your husband to challenges he should not face within his family circle. Though he appears to be more on their side than on yours; don’t get unnecessarily upset about it all. The secret is to device a means outside nagging or complaints to get him to listen to you. You have an advantage they don’t have; you are his wife! Use your intimacy to make him listen to your needs, see how bad you feel at being left at the mercy of his family, especially living in the family house. For instance, your desire to make him leave the family house could come as a wishful desire. During intimacy, wish for more privacy to really be together, do certain things like being naked in your private world. Use your knowledge of the things he likes about you to make him listen to those things you are not saying. Like a carrot before a hare, dangle your femininity before him. This is a form of language women who are wise have used through the ages to get their men to listen to the silent requests of their hearts. Once you are able to get him to move from the family house, you will be able to moderate some of the issues you are complaining about now. Also learn to pray. There is nothing prayers cannot achieve. Apart from bringing you close to God, it also teaches one the vital steps to take in every situation. Prayers give so much wisdom. It will tell you when silence is golden and when to speak. If you have to leave the house and go to where you can avoid confrontation, do it. If you can afford it, get a gas cooker to cook his meals in your room. This way you can cook what you want without having to go to the general kitchen. This doesn’t mean you cannot cook for the entire family in the general kitchen. Making this arrangement is to ensure your husband gets used to your cooking and person. It is also important to your survival, that you don’t get overly bothered about the reactions of your in-laws. Be polite, do what you can, refuse to be intimidated by them but learn to respect their relationship with your husband. Allow him the freedom to continue to be their breadwinner as long as he can cope with his responsibilities to you. Good luck.