Another woman lives with my husband

Dear Agatha, I am a mother of five girls. I lost the sixth child who incidentally was a boy a day after I gave birth to him. It’s been two years since that incident. I have not taken in after I lost the baby. It really isn’t the reason I am writing you; rather it has to do with the determination of one woman to cause problems in my marriage. Funny enough, she is also married but having issues with her husband. She met my husband and fell in love with him. When I heard the rumours of their affairs, I called the lady to warn her off my husband and to inform her I wasn’t ready for polygamy. She ignored my calls and is as a matter of fact living with my husband at his station in Seme border. He comes home at times. I have done series of prayers to no avail. Please I need your advice. Worried Wife. Dear Worried Wife, You cannot win this battle living apart from your husband. The heart of the average man resides with the woman who cares for him. The other woman appears to be on top of this game because she is the one who cooks and tenders to him. Whether she is right for him or not, isn’t the worry of your husband for now. What interests him is the warmth he provides him with. Drastic situation as this requires radical action. It is either you make up your mind to accommodate this other woman as your mate or relocate to where your husband is. Prayers will work when you are ready to make the sacrifices that go with the answers to that prayer. It would have been a different thing if he hasn’t already been entrapped by this woman; you have to match your prayers with positive actions by being there with him. Only your presence can water down her influence over him. Don’t lose sight of the important things she is doing in his life; cooking and sex. Once a man has these two from a woman, there is nothing to stop him from marrying her but if you are there, it would be difficult for her to completely overwhelm him. You also must understand the reason your husband appears determined to marry another woman. The average African man believes in the male child. This is why you should desist from sending messages to this woman who in all sincerity, you don’t have any business with. Your husband wouldn’t have had the boldness to openly advertise his association with her if you didn’t make the mistake of calling her to warn her off your husband. Your call opened what he wanted to keep secret. It is your husband you have business with, not her. Since you have taken the laws into your hand to battle with a situation he has been trying to hide from you, he wants you to do your worst by asking her to live with him. You and I know that not having a male child isn’t your fault. You are only producing whatever he gives you since men are the ones that carry the X and Y chromosomes that determine the gender of children. If he persists in releasing the X chromosomes, you will keep producing girls and boys if he gives you the Y chromosomes. Therefore, you are in no way to blame for your lovely girls so don’t become frustrated by the gender of your children. Your disturbance might be the reason you have been unable to take in for two years. Besides, what will be will be! If God hasn’t destined him to have a male child in life, let him date countless number of women; they will all end up giving him females. You must learn to be on top of the situation else you will through rash and harsh actions create more complications for yourself. Your business is with your husband; not with the woman who currently lives with him or any other woman he may want to have an affair with. Stop giving them attention and focus on how to curry his favor back to you and your children. If he won’t allow you relocate to his station because of the children, don’t wait for him to be the only one coming to see you and the children. When they are on holidays, you all should come and visit him while you also make the sacrifice of going to see him as regularly as possible. Even though you didn’t say much, from the little you have said, there are plenty of issues in your marriage. If it is any help, there is no perfect marriage so give yourself some peace and rest of mind with which to look after your daughters. There is nothing that goes up that doesn’t come down. This hot romance threatening your home now will frizzle out soon. But its duration will be determined by the amount of patience you have as the woman of the house. The other woman has nothing to lose; rather you are the one that has too much to lose hence the need for extreme caution in this face of this provocation. Don’t forget too that you are also contending with distance, itself a real threat to the success of any marriage. You are limited by it in your quest to stabilise your home. The wise thing to do is to pretend the other woman doesn’t exist at all. By so doing, you create an oasis of succor for your marriage to throw strength and peace from. There is no way the other woman will be flawless. Every woman has her defects. Since she is the one trying to steal what isn’t hers, her impatience to entrench herself will definitely arise to mistakes on her part. Your refusal to condemn your husband as well as your deliberate effort to make him feel like a demi-god, will make him recall your early days together. This is what you should aim for-bringing back memories of those early days. Deep down, he is battling an ego problem and is worried about his lineage. It isn’t that he doesn’t want the girls but he is worried about his lack of heir. For this simple reason, you have to egg round him with plenty of love, tolerance and understanding of the many things that go on in the mind of a man who thinks his world isn’t complete without a male child. He is bound to misbehave and blame you for it. Just accept the fact that he isn’t at his most rational self. This is where prayer comes in. Pray for your husband to grow the peace and understanding to accept God’s will for him and pray for the husband of this woman to come back. Trust me; the other woman isn’t the issue in your marriage. She is a passenger that will disembark once her reason for coming into your marriage is over. If your husband decides to end the relationship today there is nothing she can do. So pray for him to appreciate the value in his female children as well as the benevolence of God because there are countless men out there praying for the miracle of a child. Importantly, use this period to properly scrutinize your marriage. What are the areas of your failure? Often than not we women after a while take things for granted in our homes. We erroneously come to the conclusion once married we can do and undo. Whatever my fellow women think, the world is increasingly becoming a man’s world. Whatever freedom we women think we have attained in terms of education and economic empowerment do not apply in the home. Unless lucky enough to marry a man who is implicitly devoted to his vows, the man’s wishes and desires still reign supreme in the home. You must always place his wishes and desires above your own If you want to enjoy your marriage. Ironically, the same set of women who give you the impetus and encouragement to fight it out with the man of the house are the same people that will wait to condemn you when the man calls your bluff. Wisdom demands you tread easily with your husband. If you have to go and beg him for any imaginary offence you have committed, do so as long as you have him back in your arms. Play the fool to get rid of this other woman. Furthermore, by refusing to acknowledge her presence in your husband’s life you reduce her to nothing of importance. Don’t forget you are the legal wife; a reason you must not do anything that will make you struggle from the disadvantaged position. Don’t worry; God will recover what is yours as long as you entrust Him with your everything. Good luck.