Her promiscuity ended our affair, yet can’t stop thinking of her…

Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I have a problem with the girl I hope to marry in the nearest future. About 18 months ago I noticed she was having an affair with another guy while she kept denying the existence of such a thing between them. Sometime ago, I went to her hostel outside the school campus to spend the night with her. I noticed however that around 12 midnight, she received a call from someone. Thinking I have slept, she told the person at the other end of the phone that she would see him the next day. When she came back inside the room and I asked her whom it was she was speaking with, she didn’t answer me. When I took the key to the car and made to leave that night, she locked me in, insisting I could not leave at that time of the night. I however shoved her aside and left her room that night. I have come to her to beg in the company of some elders, but she won’t listen to what I have to say. However, in the last three months, despite having another girl in my life, I can’t stop thinking of my former girlfriend. Please what can I do to eliminate that girl from my thoughts? Please Agatha, help me out. Temitope. Dear Temitope, Emotional disappointments are normal in every relationship. They actually help us to refocus on the things that are most important in life. There is no man or woman alive who doesn’t have your kind of story to tell. These kinds of experiences are what give us character, history, and stories to tell when we get older in life. If you consider the fact that we would only end up marrying one person out of the many people we date or are interested in, it will help give new perspective and understanding to what is happening to you now. The fact is, if this lady was meant to last forever in your life, no other man would have been able to take her away from you. She may have come into your life for the purpose of helping you grow beyond the level you were when you two first started dating. No matter what you are currently feeling, the truth is that every relationship is unique, has a reason it happened as well as the lesson it has come to impact. Unfortunately, more often than not, we choose to mourn a failed relationship more than concentrating on the inherent lessons, every little experience packed into it, it teaches us. The chances of her ever coming back to you are very slim considering the fact that she turned down the pleas of the elders you brought to prevail on her. Frankly speaking, the time has come for you to devote more time to your current relationship so you don’t lose perhaps the most important woman that would ever grace your life. Close the last chapter of your life with your ex with determination. It is finished; to continue to hold on to it will be to destroy whatever kind of future that exists between you and your current girlfriend. Try putting yourself in the shoes of your new girlfriend. How would you feel if she is just using you to get over a bad relationship in her life? You have made the costly mistake of approaching her for a relationship when you were least prepared for another woman in your life. The least you can do now is to concentrate on making this relationship work. We all get to a point in our adult life when we make the knotty decision of damning all consequences and jumping head on into stormy water. This is that point in your life. It is either you elect to stay on, holding on to figments of a dream gone bad or plunge into this new relationship without thinking of the past. There are no two ways to make this work for you. Your heritage is all the things that happened in your previous relationship. Doubtless, you made some kinds of mistake. You must strive to avoid those mistakes in your current relationship. Only a wise student after failing an examination knows the things to avoid when rewriting the paper. That one is brilliant doesn’t make that person the wisest. If you really want to tap into the real lessons of your relationship with your ex, be truthful to yourself. Granted, she was dating you and another man concurrently, the fact that you still found it imperative to stay on shows that the fault wasn’t hers alone. Examine your own contributions to the final story. Accept where you went wrong with a view to avoiding the same mistakes in your current relationship and at the same time give attention to improving your strong points to make you an even better man. From your letter, I discerned two things. One, you appear weak as well as having temper. Every man, by virtue of the leadership position God has given him, should take charge. Although you didn’t say anything about what really led to the problem, but it appears that you were not in charge of that relationship because certain things simply didn’t add up. You knew she was having an affair and you still took elders to beg her. What was the motive of begging her, to continue to date you on the side or what? Then why did you take the unnecessary risk of leaving her hostel room at the ungodly hour you left even when she made attempts to stop you? One of the lessons you must learn, as a man, is to be firm and in full charge of your life and relationship at all times. No matter the provocation, control your temper. When a man is easily provoked into action, he becomes a victim of his own weakness. His temper can easily be used by a mischievous woman to justify her ulterior motives. The fact that you couldn’t control your temper enough to restrain yourself from leaving that night showcases you as a man not really in charge of his emotions. This is one area you should work on to make your next relationship enjoyable and profitable. Your ex may belong to the category of women that like strong willed men, not the kind they can control. This could be what your ex finds very objectionable about her relationship with you. To make this relationship work, you must do everything to stop your mind from drifting to this other lady. Regard her as a friend who has left your life for good. Besides, you will be robbing yourself of precious moments especially as your ex is moving on with her life. Therefore, devote time to finding out the uniqueness that is your new girlfriend. Look for her strong points; these will help you get to know her better. Follow this by creating special time for the two of you. Begin to build wonderful memories together; getting to know each other better will make it easier for you to begin to forget your ex. Another thing you should do is to make this new girl your best friend. Discuss and converse with her at all times. From the beginning, don’t make sex the most important thing in your current relationship; rather, let the emphasis be placed on friendship. This way you will not only be able to grow the relationship on values, a foundation that will help it overcome major crisis, you will also be giving it a special character it needs to flourish. But you have to be sure that you have some feelings for this lady; that you are not with her to fill your emptiness at the loss of your former girlfriend. Honestly, if you are using her as a rebound, you may never be able to rid yourself of the memories of the other woman or have the motivation to make this work. So before you go further and complicate the life of this innocent woman, be sure your feelings for her are right. If you are not so sure, it is best you let her be at this early stage because to continue would be to spoil her for any other man who will be interested in marrying her, thereby making her a victim of your own shortcomings. Stay on only if you are sure of what you feel for her. Good luck.