Failure imminent in my relationship

Dear Agatha, Please help me. My relationship of six years is about to crash and I don’t have any idea of how to salvage it. Debi. Dear Debi, A lot of things can go wrong with long courtships; the chief culprit being excessive familiarity, the main headache of most relationships. When a dating couple gets too familiar with weaknesses and faults, it makes the relationship difficult to grow. This is because too much of familiarity breeds contempt; one of the things that destroy a relationship. Often than not, long courtships make couples have rethink about going any further especially when they consider the permanent things that each of them will have to cope with throughout life’s journey. It is a human thing, something every relationship goes through. The difference is that by the time married couples come to that realisation, the legality of marriage makes it impossible to beat a retreat unlike a dating couple, where one party may decide to sink a long-standing relationship without looking back. Truthfully speaking, in most cases, it is almost impossible to revive long-standing relationships when they hit the rocks. The party that wants to go is often than not too much in a hurry to end it and marry the next person. You really will have to work extra hard to make what you have work. It will help to bear in mind that this may not work at the end of the day. Such an attitude will really help you recover or put things in their right perceptive. The first question is who is the problem in this relationship? Who is taking the other for granted and why is the crack getting bigger everyday? This is the moment of stock-taking and telling yourself the truth. The relationship cannot collapse without the help of both of you. At this critical stage, don’t assume the holier-than- thou attitude of him being the sole reason the relationship isn’t working. Sit yourself down for a thorough critique. What are his persistent complaints about you all these years? What steps did you take in addressing the situation? If you can promise yourself a change in attitude and know that no matter what you will keep to it, go ahead and try to make him see reasons. But because you don’t have any legal base beyond the relationship you both share, sit him down not to plead but to have a true discussion. At this critical stage, pleas only won’t work. It has to be done with every sincere attempt needed to salvage what is left. It is only after getting him to sit to discuss that you can worry about the future of the relationship. Allow him to pour out his heart first if he is the one that is asking to go. Hear him, his complaints as well as his views about the things you should have done as a woman to make the relationship work. This will give you a clear picture of where the trouble signals are as well as prepare you for what to say and the tasks ahead of both of you. Also ask if there is someone else. Though it might hurt to know, just as his words will help you define the way to go; knowing there is another woman will also define the kind of work you need to do to make the relationship work again. It is a matter of him too wanting the same things you want. Once you get him to look back at the beginning, how it was and all the dreams you both packed into the relationship, he might want to give it another try. But all these depend on the kind of understanding you both had at the inception of the relationship. If there was never any plan for both of you to marry, you simply took it for granted, it might be a different kettle of fish. However, one thing that might work in your favour is the knowledge of time; at least you know what to avoid in the future but you have to get past this critical point first. Finally, if God is in this relationship, this period will only enhance its value but if not, He will bring someone else to make you happy. Good luck. Re: My love feelings for guys dead Dear Agatha, I was so much thrilled when I saw the advice you gave the 20-year-old who says she has lost feelings for guys and also feels horny inside her in Sunday Independent Newspaper 03/06/12. In fact, I liked every bit of your advice because that’s what I give to the young girls around especially the one I want to marry. Everybody feels horny but what makes the difference is the ability to hold oneself in the face of such hormonal war. It is good to balance her spiritual and physical demands, what she really wants in life before placing sex on the table. It is good that every young girl graduates into the hands of her husband than after passing through a lot of ugly experiences in the hands of men cum boys. These are sinful as well as undesirable, even the men that do that would not want their own wives to be exposed like that. Thank you very much and God bless you. Best wishes, Dr. Echi, Paul Chinedu