Greener pasture turns my son to slave in England…

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626


Dear Agatha,

I recently travelled to England to visit my son who has been in that country for 15 years. This would be my first time of seeing him after all these years, as well as the woman he married six years ago.

I really looked forward to my stay in that country and to behold the woman my son has spoken so fondly of.

You can therefore imagine my surprise and acute disappointment when I met her to discover that not only was she older than my son but also lacked any kind of respect for him.

From the very first moment of my arrival, she asked me where I would be putting up since she didn’t like the sight of me.

It took my son quality time to make her agree for me to stay. When we got to their house, she didn’t even bother to ask me what I would eat. It was my son that did that. Because I was too tired from my trip that day, I slept off immediately I ate.

The next day, I woke to discover that it was my son cleaning the house, washing the plates and cooking while she sat in front of the television. He didn’t even have enough time to chat with me as she insisted he did one thing or the other for her.

I also noticed that anytime I demanded privacy with my son, she would call him to their room.

I also noticed that she kept going out, sometimes coming back early the next morning while her husband stayed at home. Sometimes right in my presence as well as my son’s, she would be addressing other men with endearments meant for her husband. I don’t need anybody to tell me where she goes in the kind of dresses she wears or the kinds of friends that come to visit her.

It was when she was out on one of her numerous outings that I got a chance to speak with my son.

The hour I spent discussing with my son revealed something deeper than what I had witnessed. My son was jobless and depended on his wife for money. To make things worse, they were into what you modern people call open marriage.

At first, I didn’t understand this until he explained to me. Their kind of marriage permits her to keep other men and since she was the one bringing in the money, he can’t complain else she would throw him out.

A week after my arrival, she came into my room to inform me that I had only three more days to stay in that house and that if I wanted to spend more time in that country, I should look elsewhere to stay.

My son just stood there without saying anything. Since I didn’t have anywhere to go, I decided to come home.

Since coming back, I have not stopped weeping. I don’t know how to go about bringing my son back home. Before I left, I tried talking my son into leaving this woman; he flared up and called me enemy of progress. He only managed to drop me at the airport. As I write, he hasn’t bothered calling or responding to all my calls or e-mails.

Two heads they say are better than one. Agatha, how do I go about freeing my son from her grips? I suspect she is using something on my son. She comes from Togo has lived in that country all her life.

If the woman stays too long in my son’s life, he would be completely useless for life. Please help me. He is 38 years of age.

Worried Mum.


Dear Worried Mum,

I feel your anxiety as a mother but this is one issue that needs utmost care to tackle. If he has lived with her for six years and is comfortable with their arrangement, it would be presumptuous of you to think he would listen to whatever reservations you have against the arrangement.

In the first instance, he hasn’t lived or seen you for 15 years. He left you when he was 23 years of age and now he is a man of 38 years old. He cut his adult teeth in his host country, living his life and defining it to adjust to the situation he finds himself in.

From all indices, you know next to nothing about the son you are meeting after 15 years of living apart. He is no longer the young man who left you and has obviously grown in his own person. To change that kind of person, you need time and wisdom.

Even though you didn’t like what you saw, you shouldn’t have said what you said to him and his woman. Whether you like it or not, that woman you asked him to leave is his wife. Irrespective of whatever power you think she is using, as at this moment, she represents his meal ticket in that country. For him to leave her, you must provide him with a better alternative to what he has now.

Furthermore, being an adult, you cannot live his life for him. If he is comfortable tending to the house and needs of his wife, you must learn to respect his wish at least until you are able to think of what your next step should be.

As it is now, you have only succeeded in alienating him from you as well as justifying whatever reservations his wife had against your coming to stay with them.

You may not think it right but your son doesn’t seem to mind whatever his wife is doing as long as he has a place to put his head and meal on his table. Contrary to what you think, the woman may not be using any charm at all on your son. The situation your son finds himself in that country could have changed him, his view of life as well as values so much so he is ready to look the other way as long as he is happy.

Rather than assume the woman is the cause, you should have found out from your son what his views are on what you observed about his wife. The fact that he could persuade his woman to allow you stay for the number of days you stayed shows that he isn’t under any kind of spell. If he were, you wouldn’t have been allowed into that house in the first place.

Sincerely, this is the time to show your son more love than you have showed him all the years. He doesn’t need you to criticise him or his choice for now. Though you have every reason to be apprehensive as his mother, pretend for now that it isn’t such a big deal. It is the only way you can really find out what the matter is with him. The fact that this woman can still attract other men should tell you that your son needs her more than she needs him. If she can afford to sleep with other men who pay her good money, then she can easily replace your son with any of these men. For them to be together means something deeper than what you see is involved.

Get close to your son by apologising for your comments if you hope to rescue him from whatever you think may be wrong with him. There is no way you can do it by being hostile to his wife. For now, she remains your only chance of regaining the confidence of your son. From your letter, there is nothing to indicate if he finished school or not. You must have information about him to know what kind of help to offer him.

If you haven’t sent her an email or called to thank her for allowing your stay when you came over, this is the time for you to do so.

Begin by apologising for the late phone call or mail. Thank her for her hospitality to you as well as her love for your son. Build on this by constantly sending her good will messages while ignoring your son completely.

There is no way she won’t communicate your mails to your son. By making her the focus of your attention would eventually make your son speak with you.

Resist, in the first few months, questions pertaining to his life or marriage. Restrict yourself to his welfare. By that time, you would have thought of alternative plans you have for him back in Nigeria.

Without making it obvious, begin to open his eyes to all the opportunities that are available in Nigeria. Keep up this tempo until he is interested in coming home.

Follow whatever you do with prayers. God is the only one who can help you free him or give him back his senses to be whom He designed him to be.

Frankly, the situation has gone beyond you fighting with anybody. Prayers and God’s wisdom are what you need to win this battle.

Good luck.