My wife lacks kitchen skill

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, 08054500626


Dear Agatha,

What kinds of women is this nation producing these days? I grew up in a home where my mother took pride in caring for our home, cooking our meals and taking special care of our father. She also taught us all how to cook.

I thought it was going to be like that for me when I married my wife three years ago.

Since marrying my wife, I haven’t had a decent meal in my house. She takes to buying me prepared meals from restaurants or frozen soups prepared and sold by department stores.

I have tried my best to make her change. It isn’t working for me. I went as far as paying someone to come to the house to teach her how to cook, but she is unwilling to be taught.

I am nearly my wits end and don’t know how to handle the matter anymore. My mother at one time offered to teach her, she declined on the grounds that she cannot cook the local meals my mother insists on teaching her. I have gone to her mother who says I should endure the situation.

The alternative is to employ a housemaid, but knowing the kind of temptations women present to me these days, I don’t want to tempt myself beyond what I can manage. Besides, of what use would my wife be in my house if I have to depend on another woman to cook my food under my roof?

I sincerely respect your wisdom and responses to challenging problems you daily tackle.

I would be very happy if you can help me. I don’t want a broken home but if pushed to the walls, I might as well take a walk and find myself a woman who knows how to care for her man.

Do help me Agatha.

Lekan.


Dear Lekan,

A lot of things have definitely changed from when you were a boy and now that you are a man. Women are getting better education and earning good salaries. The global economic situation makes it impossible for women not to work or engage in one form of business. This is because most men cannot afford to shoulder alone the responsibility of caring for their families.

All these added up to the thirst of the modern woman to be in charge of her life, by implications her finances, make it impossible for contemporary women to function in the mode of the old time wives.

This is the reason wives of these days are not functioning at full capacity in their duties at home.

But this is not to say that it is right for women to totally abdicate their duties as wives and mothers. Irrespective of a woman’s official responsibilities, she should make out time to make her impact felt at home.

A wife should ensure she creates time out of no time to cook for her husband and children. A lot of women have been able to manage their jobs with their homes successfully.

Therefore, the issue with your marriage isn’t that your wife is working but her attitude to life generally and marriage in particular. If she wasn’t brought up to appreciate the place of a woman in her home, her duties as wife, there is little you can do to make her change the attitude she is brought up with.

It isn’t just offering to teach her how to cook but changing her attitude towards the whole concept of marriage.

One thing is to ask her what her views are on my marriage. There is no way she can accept a change if her views run contrary to what you desire or think marriage is to you.

That you are both married doesn’t mean she totally agrees with your views on marriage or the generally held one. There has to be a marriage of what she believes and what is generally thought to be the reason we marry. If her views on marriage don’t include caring for her home, cooking or tending to the needs of her husband when he calls, nothing you tell such a woman would make sense to her.

Learning how to cook for you is the easiest part of the challenge confronting your marriage. The greatest task before you both is for her to define what marriage is to her. It would help you know where to come in how to achieve the results that would take your marriage to the next stage.

This is something you must do by yourself, without help from anybody. It also requires wisdom and patience. If you get angry, chances are you would drive her into her shell and make it impossible for her to confide her fears and hopes in you.

Patience is required on your side because what you are attempting to do is to get into an area of her life nobody has ever attempted to go into. It is what makes her who she is and the woman you married.

This is something she may not have discussed with another soul because it bothers on her most secretive side.

This is the root cause of your marital problems. In discussing this with her, be prepared for some surprises because it is often not easy to make swift changes in matters that are this deep rooted. You must first begin with small changes that would not completely scare her off the issue of marriage.

Also in most cases, expectations are wide apart from reality. During the dating period, certain things you may have allowed into the relationship as a man, are now obviously begin to matter to you. For instance, the issue of her inability to cook couldn’t have started after you got married. You must have known from the time you were dating and thought you could cope with it.

The fact that you didn’t complain then, took delight in helping entrench her thinking that you could depend on meals made by others, solidified her stance on marriage. Therefore if you want a total change from what you encouraged during your courtship days, you must be ready to be extremely tolerant as well as tactical in your bid to effect this change.

Also, you have to be ready to create time for both of you to do certain things together. For a woman who doesn’t know how to cook, encourage her while she is making any attempt by being her teacher especially as you can cook.

Chances are, the lessons she was too proud to learn from your mother and the person you employed to teach her, she would take from you.

See this as an opportunity for both of you to build your marriage, become friends, and discover new dimensions for your lives together as well as memorials for your children.

To encourage her to cook, on the day she would be at home, both of you should go to the market, buy foodstuff and soup ingredients to make your favourite.

Expose her to thrills of home made food as well as the fun that comes from combining all the ingredients into something delicious. By the time she sees you performing the magic and helping you with those little tasks, like bringing the palm oil, seasonings, spoons, water and what have you mothers send children to do while cooking, in no time she too would want to try her hand on it.

Because our needs and challenges are different, don’t allow any of your friends or associates discourage whatever attempts you deem fit to make this marriage work.

Some, out of mischief, may label you a hen pecked husband, ignore them because you know what you hope to achieve by doing this for your marriage.

The truth is that she isn’t to blame for her behaviour and attitude towards her marriage. She is only following the examples of the marriages she has been exposed to.

If she was taught how to cook, tend to the needs of her home and husband, there is no way she would completely depart from it. Her mother would have been able to talk some senses into her. Asking you to endure your wife’s behaviour shows that she cannot confront her daughter on her behaviour because there is nothing in her role as a mother to premise her argument on.

Because you have become each other’s responsibility and the happiness of your home your concern, the onus is now on you to help your wife come to the knowledge of what her roles in your life are.

There is a purpose for the training your mother gave you. God knew this day from yesterday hence His reason for making you go through your mother’s catering school.

Furthermore, learn to pray and commit your home to the influence of God. Even if you leave her and go for another woman, there is no telling what kind of challenge you would meet in that relationship.

For this reason, stick to your wife, there is no marriage without its cross. This is your cross; you must device a way to carry it with dignity and grace.

Good luck.