How do I know he’s good for me in marriage?

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626


Dear Agatha,

I appreciate the way you answer questions. I want to know how to identify a good husband since someone is asking my hand in marriage. I don’t seem to like him.

But Agatha, I don’t know if am making a mistake rejecting him.

Ada.


Dear Ada,

Good wife or husband is the measure of care, responsibility, respect, selflessness, friendship, loyalty, understanding, patience, support and sensitivity put into making a relationship work.

But the most basic, the point of entry is the quality of feelings one has for the other. If this man loves you and has the idea that you would make a good wife for him and you don’t even have the slightest bit of feelings for him, there is no way both of you can be happy together.

Your feeling must be right, without it, there is no way you would have the patience and presence of mind to listen to what he has to say. Without you having the right feelings for him, you will never give him the kind of happiness, respect, and loyalty he deserves as a man.

This requirement is a must. Even if you know what you are looking for in a man, if you don’t feel anything special for him, nothing would work between the two of you.

Feelings don’t lie; the confusion comes in when we refuse to listen to the prompting of our hearts; when we want something very different from what our hearts insist on; when we fall in love with our heads rather than our hearts.

Unless you are not sure of your reasons, don’t even know what you want from life, confused about what your idea of an ideal man for you is, don’t have a change of mind because to do that would be to sentence you and this man to years of undeserved unhappiness. Best you disappoint him now than after you have exchanged vows.

A good husband is the one who puts the interest of his wife before his own, who is conscious of his responsibility to her and the children; who would never compromise the happiness of his home and who spends quality time at home irrespective of how busy his official responsibilities are.

He is the kind of man who has the maturity to overlook the tantrum of his wife especially at that time of the month when she is so irritated at everything; is able to manage her at times, able to walk away from a potentially combustible situation at home without giving in to his urge to use his fists to shut the woman up.

He is also a considerate lover, friend, cheerleader, head of the home as well as a team player who is ready to give every encouragement to his wife to grow.

He is also that kind of man who knows how to lead without the use of intimidating devices; the kind who has mastered the use of his presence, looks and silence to communicate his displeasure at certain things in the home rather than words.

Finally, he becomes one who takes pride in the presence and person of his wife no matter her conditions.

You may have to look critically at your reasons to know if you are making a mistake rejecting him or not. Is your reason based on material considerations or is natural? To be sure you are on the right path; you have to be honest with yourself. Would you still feel this way if he is absolutely rich and able to buy anything you want for you? Is your reason based on his physical appearance, his environment or for the simple reason you don’t feel anything romantic for him at all even if he happens to be the most handsome or richest man on earth?

How much does he differ from your dream man? Are you one of those young ladies who base their choice on the romance books definition of an ideal man?

In the real world such things don’t exist. Your ideal comes from a sincere assessment of what life has to offer. You miss the target of what the real world offers by sticking to unrealistic goals. By applying patience and tolerance, you come very close to what works for you. Don’t judge any man by his first appearance if truly you are interested in meeting your ideal man. Take time out, irrespective of what he looks like, to get to know any man who comes your way.

Accepting a date from a man isn’t the same thing as agreeing to his proposal. The essence of the date is simply to enable you study him at close quarters. Sometimes our ideal person may come from the person’s sense of humour, deep sense of responsibility, intelligence, sensitivity and a whole lot of other attributes not related with the person’s looks or position.

Unless we are willing to give that person a chance to be close, we may never know what we want from an ideal person. This is why many marriages are failing.

Keep your options open until you are absolutely certain of what actually makes you happy.

Good luck.