My husband is insensitive and selfish

Marriage Clinic With Agatha Edo, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com; Tel:08054500626

Dear Agatha,

Is marriage worth all the hassles? I got married last year and already I am getting tired of it. My husband is one of the most insensitive human beings I have come across. He comes home very late everyday and expects me to always be awake to open the gate for him, tend to his needs as well as ensure that his food is very hot.

He forgets that I am also a career woman and that apart from being his wife I have my own life to live.

I have honestly tried to be patient with him but in the last couple of months, I have grown tired of his careless and selfish attitude. I wake up sleepy and unable to concentrate at work. His attitude is affecting the whole of my being and existence.

Twice I tried to register my protest, it resulted into a terrible quarrel between us. It isn’t as if he doesn’t have his key but he appears incapable of using it. Sincerely, I think he is an over-pampered boy. His brother who was staying with him before we got married really indulged him because he was doing practically everything for him. When I came in, he had to leave because I made it clear I needed my privacy with my husband, so he left for the campus.

I no longer love him as I thought I did. Fortunately, I am yet to give him a child which makes it very easy for me to walk out of this marriage. I didn’t plan to be a slave to any man at all. If he wants a slave, he is welcomed to another wife because I just cannot go on tolerating the situation. Out there, there are a lot of men who would gladly have me and accept me for who I am.

But my mother thinks differently. She says I should continue to endure that it would eventually sort itself out.

She thinks I am too impatient and too idealistic; that the place of a woman is to ensure her man is happy.

She actually encouraged me to write to you for help but my mind is actually made up.

I am tired. Marriage is an equal partnership not one where the man arrogates to himself powers he doesn’t have at all.

Shile.



Dear Shile,

Even if you leave your current husband for another man, you would still experience the same thing there. The average man is incubated in the tube of time to act as the head and cover of a woman. There is no equal status in any marriage; the man would always assume the head of his home whether the woman likes it or not.

It is either you leave him and remain single for life to enable you take complete charge of your life or face the reality of bending to the leadership of your man.

From your mail, the major problem is your attitude to your husband as well as your attitude towards marriage. You must have the right attitude to be able to endure the challenges that come with marriage. There is no way you can hope to be happy in your relationship if you don’t first of all give respect to your man. Every man needs respect to be a good and understanding husband.

There is no way your husband would listen or accommodate your complains if you are rude and challenging about it.

Even if you are the bread winner, older than he is, the fact that you dropped your maiden name to take on his own, makes him the leader of that home. Therefore you must apply wisdom and plenty of tolerance in dealing with issues concerning him and your home.

According to your husband, respect doesn’t make you weak or less of who you are. The joy of every average woman is to be married and have a home of her own to manage. No matter how educated, well positioned in the society a woman is, her ultimate dream is the still to get married and have children of her own.

Your marriage may appear unimportant to you now, lose it and you would know how valuable this marriage is to you.

Therefore, listen to your mother and apply patience. If it is any encouragement, you don’t have monopoly of this problem. So many women out there have husbands who are behaving like yours; who come home late and want their meals still hot. It is the reason microwaves are becoming very popular among modern housewives. It is a matter of warming his food in a microwave or oven-proof dish while he is taking his bath. Before he comes out of the bathroom, the food would just be the right temperature to satisfy him.

And since you have an idea of when he comes back daily, get as much sleep before he comes back to make up for the time you have to attend to him. The fact that you are always home before he comes back shows that you have more time on your side. It won’t hurt you so much if you have slept for an hour or two before he comes in.

I know it can be very irritating but the fact remains you have to be willing to make the necessary sacrifices for your marriage to work. Women as home builders have made sacrifices like the one your mother is asking you to make for the house to become a home.

This is especially so since you are aware that his brother has always been the one playing this role in his life. If he has never used a key to open his gate and door in his life, even if you give him a copy of the key, he won’t know how to use it. It would take careful and patient tutoring on your part to get him to see why he should learn. From experience, he would eventually come to your way of thinking only if you are ready to endure this period.

Another thing you should also put into consideration is why he is staying out late. There is no way he would persistently keep late nights especially at this early stage of your marriage if it isn’t official.

And if he is doing it deliberately, then you should change your attitude towards him. The average newly wed husband would want to come home to his wife; that he is avoiding coming home shows that he isn’t happy and trying his possible best to avoid coming home to you. If you think it has nothing to do with his official duties, please for the sake of your happiness, endeavour to change your attitude to him.

There are various ways to change a man without fighting him. For instance, if he has fallen into the habit of coming home, as a good wife, try to find out why, listen to the things he isn’t saying more than the excuses he is giving to you. This way, you would be able to find out what the problem really is in your marriage.

At times too when a man wants to register his protest over an issue he has consistently complained of at home, he deliberately does things to annoy his wife to communicate his annoyance. Since marrying him, is there something he has persistently complained about and which you have ignored? If there is, this attitude of his may be his way of paying you back in your own coin. Like you, he also may have made up his mind about ending the marriage.

The clues you gather would inform you on how to make your marriage work.

As things stand now, stop complaining altogether. Don’t frown, be happy to receive him at whatever time he comes in. If deliberate, the moment he discovers that you are no longer affected by his late coming, he would begin to come home early while thinking of another way of making his displeasure known.

And if truly it has to do with his job, look for a time he is very relaxed to complain lovingly. Begin by telling him how special he is before registering your complain. Between the two of you, you can agree on something that would work for both of you.

Sincerely, I agree with your mother. Marriage is about practical solutions. Whatever concept you came into this marriage with must be deleted from your memory to make way for realistic ideas to come into your marriage.

Good luck.