Won’t past abortions hinder her ability to be pregnant?

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626

Dear Agatha,

I am always impressed by the motherly way you handled people’s emotional problems.

I really thank God on your behalf and pray for more wisdom. I need your help. At the age of 30 years I still have no solid relationship or a girl friend.

In my bid to get someone to share my life with I logged on to Africhat provided by one of the Telecoms in Nigeria. I met a lady from one of the South Eastern states of Nigeria.

While chatting one day, she told me she had been involved in two abortions in the past. In fairness to her, she has tried so much to make this relationship work. She is 26 years, while I am 31. My fear is that won’t this adventure of hers affect conceptions in the future? I am under pressure to settle down. She seems sincere to me but I am worried. I would appreciate your help.

Worried Man.


Dear Worried Man,

One thing you must first erase from your marriage agenda is the word pressure. Yes people have a right to urge you to marry, given your age and the time to nurture your own children to maturity, but you reserve the final say in your affairs.

Marriage is deeper and complicated than a lot of young persons contemplating it think. Without the right partner by one’s side, a journey meant to be fun could turn out to be one of absolute stress and regrets.

Pressure makes one desperate and desperation makes one prone to avoidable mistakes. Best to wait a little bit and marry someone you can tolerate for the rest of your life than marry someone you think would fit the bill.

As regards this lady, telling you she has gone through two abortions is her way of clearing her past of any cobweb and skeleton that might destroy the relationship you are both trying to build. The fact that she volunteered the information shows a certain degree of willingness on her part to be truthful about herself. Sincerely, not every woman would do this.

Don’t therefore hold it against her for being honest enough to tell the truth concerning her past. Telling you was a risk she willingly took for the sake of the future you are both planning to have together.

If the evacuations were properly done by trained and experienced doctors there is nothing stopping her from having children in future. The problem occurs when women entrust their bodies to quacks or inexperienced doctors.

Besides, abortion isn’t the sole cause of the infertility in women. Sometimes the fault may come from the man. Statistics show that almost 50 percent of infertility issues in marriages come from men. The fact that a man experiences erection and able to be intimate with his woman doesn’t make him healthy enough to impregnate a woman. A lot of men have sperm quality that isn’t enough to power reproduction in their wives.

If you want to go with this woman, learn to trust her. She has told you about herself. There is nobody without a past. The fact that you haven’t been able to attract a stable relationship at 30 would be a source of concern to another woman. A lot of women would wonder if you are normal not to have had a workable relationship at your age.

The complexity of life is such that every step we take can be given millions of interpretations, hence always best to ignore things we can ignore and to avoid as much as possible judging the deficiency of others around us.

Wisdom demands that you don’t search too deeply into the cupboard of her past, to avoid a greater skeleton being discovered in your cupboard of time. What should matter to you now is the point at which you met her.

Given the choice to do what she did in the past or you for that matter, chances are that none of you would willingly make such a mistake again.

Beyond what you already know about her, there is the need for you both to arrange a meeting. Nothing compares to eye contact when it comes to the choice of who to spend the rest of one’s life with.

You have to make the effort of giving yourselves the chance of getting to know what each of you look like, want from life as well as your attitudes towards those little things that appear very unimportant now. These seemingly unimportant things are the reasons most marriages are today hitting the rock. Something as minute as not having the right attitude towards hygiene has been known to damage a marriage beyond repairs.

In addition you must learn to become good friends first before you can talk of marriage.

At this point, give both of you a chance to grow this relationship by having an opened mind as well as the right attitude towards life.

Good luck.