Claiming another man’s child, my undoing

With Agatha Edo,Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com,gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com,08054500626 Dear Agatha, About 22 years ago, I agreed to marry my wife despite knowing she was pregnant for another man. When I met with her again after two years of living abroad, she was having issues with the man over his readiness to marry her immediately. She wanted him to marry before the pregnancy became obvious while he didn’t think he was prepared for it, although he didn’t deny being responsible for the pregnancy. It was while they were arguing over this that I came back from the United Kingdom. She and I had been friends before I left. It was while I was away she met this other man. Since doctors in England had ruled out my being able to father a child, I persuaded her to pass off the pregnancy as mine. It wasn’t so difficult since she was already having issues with the father of the child. Besides, she stood to gain more as my wife. I immediately put all plans in motion to marry her. Although the man and members of his family came to protest and claim the pregnancy; I and my wife denied them. My wife denied ever being pregnant for him. She told him, she was only testing him and that he failed when he said he wasn’t prepared to marry. I practically pushed the man out when he came to my house and even got the police to arrest them for disturbing my peace. Although he swore something would make me and my woman come looking for them if the pregnancy was indeed his; I ignored him. Twenty-two years down the road, something terrible has happened. Immediately after the child’s graduation, actually at his graduation party, my son ran mad. We had to bring him home when his friends called from England to inform the mother and I of the incident. Since then we have done everything humanly possible to make him regain his mental state of mind but nothing is working. If anything, he is getting worse. Recently, the mother went spiritual. At the different places she visited, she was told that until she returns the child to his biological family, we will not know any peace. The worst, they say, is yet to happen. According to them, I will end up losing my wealth if I insist on keeping this child. Already my wife has started developing signs of mental illness herself. A few days ago, she spent all day talking to herself; things that don’t make sense to me. At other times, she would be begging for forgiveness from people I can’t see. I am running out of my mind. I don’t know what to do at all. Even if I want to return the boy, he is all I have got. What do I tell my family members? Who will be my heir and won’t it expose me to the world? In addition, I don’t even know how to locate the man and his parents. I have invested too much in that boy to hand him over to anybody. If he were with them, they wouldn’t have been able to give him the kind of life I have given him. Is there any other way out? Can this situation be remedied? Please help me, Agatha. Bashy. Dear Bashy, All these could have been avoided in the first place. It was wrong for you to deny the father and his family the right to this child. It would have been a different thing if the father denied paternity of it when the mother informed him of her state. What he did was only to protest his readiness at the time to marry her, not that he wasn’t responsible for the child. It was wrong asking her to marry you when you knew she was already pregnant for another man. Although your wife acted with greed by agreeing to pass off another man’s child as yours, as the man you ought to have known better. In this other man’s shoes, how would you have felt, knowing that your first fruit in life is with another man? What you did is equal to killing him while still alive. Since you knew the fraud you and your wife had committed, you shouldn’t have treated his family especially his father when he came to see you with disdain. Forcing him out of your house when deep down you knew you stole something so precious from them was adding to the consequences of your act. Not only did you steal from them but also humiliated the entire family with both your money and influence. Even if this other man and his family didn’t take any steps to retaliate, God who sent that child into that family and who hates injustice in whatever form, would certainly do something to ensure nobody re-orders his original plans for that boy. Allowing you to train him was for a purpose. His family may not have your kind of money to give him the opportunities your money gave him but the fact remains he belongs to another man, not you. Rich or poor, he is the child of his father, his first born and son. To steal him away from them on account of being rich is wrong. That you are unable to impregnate a woman isn’t an excuse at all. You could easily have adopted a child who has no family to claim it. Had you done that, you would have avoided all these. Besides, why should what people think of you matter? The important thing in life is to stand on the side of God always. Doubtless children are a special gift from God but when they don’t come, God has also provided alternatives in abandoned babies and orphans. These children are meant to be loved and cared for. If you were so bothered about what people would say, all you should have done was to send your wife and the adopted baby outside the country to mask the history of the child. No matter what it will cost you in terms of pride and money, please do everything possible to locate the father of the child to plead for forgiveness. Once one is determined, there is no situation that cannot be resolved. You invested in his future because you wanted to not because the boy’s father or family asked you to. So you have only yourself to blame. When your wife calms down, ask her what the name of the man is as well as the village he comes from. She will know. There is no way she won’t know because if she is truthful to herself, she knows a day like this would come; when the father will come to ask for his son. The day is now. Once she tells you, don’t delay in erasing the mistake of the past. Since the child is not mentally healthy to handle the information, go to the family. I am positive once they are informed, whatever is responsible for the mental state of the child will become a thing of the past. It isn’t too late to adopt a child of your own. Besides, since this child has lived with you since birth, he will never forget you. At the end of the day, your efforts on him will always speak for you. After all, he is your wife’s son so, will never be away from your life. You will only enjoy him if he is healthy. Help him get better first before thinking of your own challenges. Good luck.

He’s too wretched to be my man…

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, The man I love with all my heart, who fits into my dream of the perfect man is unfortunately very poor. Since meeting him at my friend’s party, I have found him to be very caring, sensitive, attentive and full of wisdom. He is the kind of man I would love to live the rest of my life with, whose children I would love to have. Unfortunately, he doesn’t have the kind of money that would keep me satisfied and faithful to him. I am too much of my mother’s daughter to be contented with living with a man who lacks money to keep me in the kind of comfort I have become used to. When I tried looking for him recently, I discovered that he lives in a very bad side of Badiya at Ijora. I honestly couldn’t bring myself to step out of my car so sent for him to come outside even though he had called to say he had malaria. I knew he was struggling, despite being a graduate of English Language but didn’t know it was that bad. My current boyfriend on the other hand is mean. Though he gives me money, but he doesn’t have time for me, and whenever I complain he beats me up. I am still with him because he has the kind of money that keeps my mother and family happy. He has the kind of money that maintains the lifestyle my mother and elder sister exposed me to since I was 18. At 28, I cannot manage with a man, don’t even know how. I only date men who have the money, I really don’t care what they look like, how many they are, how they got the money or who they are, provided my bank account is healthy and they are ready to send me to any part of the world. I have never been in love I used to scoff at those friends of mine who talk about love. For the first time, I know what it is to be in love and really respect a man, but he is too poor for me. Even if I want to close my eyes to this fact, I simply cannot present him to my mother. She will never approve of the relationship given what she has put into ensuring she buys our current position in the society. I am so confused. I don’t know if I should go the unfamiliar road of love and poverty or stay on the road my mother has taught me. I am so confused. Korede. Dear Korede, At 28, you are old enough to know what you want from life. Your mother has done her bit. She is living her life the way that pleases her and makes her happy. The issue here is, are you happy with the choice she has made for you? Several years down the road, do you think you will be happy with the kind of choices you have made? I don’t know the kind of choices she has made for you but from the glide of your story, the kind of life she has chosen for you have its repercussion. Just as you have started to notice, men end up not having that kind of respect a woman deserves when they know money is the major interest a woman has in them. The men you have come across in your life, your mother has introduced you to, are aware that without money you will never be interested in them. These men are very aware that money and not them is what you want from them, hence don’t feel compassion when they maltreat you, knowing that the power of money is such you will always come back for more. Men hardly treat a woman who is after their money with respect. As a matter of fact many of them treat such women with contempt and dishonour. They take pride in exhibiting the power of the money they have. If a man you are not married to takes pleasure in beating you, how do you think he would treat you when and if he marries you? To every man that you sleep with now, you are a piece of furniture, hence at liberty to move or treat you anyhow. One way you can help yourself out of this confusion maze is to ask yourself these important questions: are you really happy doing what you do? Don’t you ever wish for a man who will love, treat you with respect, honour your body and mind? Do you see any of these men in your life, the kind your mother approves of asking for your hand in marriage? Do you think if you were the last woman in the world they would ever consider marrying you? Can you tell the world, this man how you and your mother came about your wealth? And what makes you think, he will want you too after knowing how your mother made the money that has brought class and wealth? That your mother is willing to go to the extent she went to make money means what you brand as poverty isn’t a strange word in your family history. You obviously come from a very abject background too. If by crook or foul means, you and your family have become rich, nothing stops this new man in your life from erasing his poverty records. Besides, he doesn’t have to do anything decadent to make it. All he needs is a stroke of good luck, the kind your numerous contacts can provide him to get a good job. This is the reason you must think again about this man. Granted he may be poor, but at least he has dignity unlike you who cannot openly declare your trade or source of family fortune. The truth is if you really care about this man, you will find ways of helping to polish him up. In addition to using your contacts to help find him a job, you can after listening to his idea of improving his future, set him up. There are a countless number of women in your shoes who have helped pulled men they love and want to spend the rest of their lives with out of the kind of situation of your man. The important thing is that you both love each other. This is what you should find out from him. Let him know what you do for a living first and how you are willing to change for him. Also prepare him for the social snub that your mother is and how for now you may not want him to meet her until much later. The reason you must come out of your shadows to unveil yourself is for the truth to prevail, help establish your relationship on the foundation of truth and trust. Since you have never been in love, don’t know how it feels and have been a tool in the manipulative hands of your mother, it is essential your man is aware of your story. It is the only way he can really help you when the blast come from your mother and sister. Without procuring his trust, it would be difficult for you on all fronts because you have become too established in your kind of life to fight your family on your own. The important thing here is that you are in love. Whether it will work or not is not as important as experiencing this side of life. It is what gives hope and warmth. Money is only a means to an end, it isn’t the end, doesn’t procure happiness, and if not properly pursued brings shame instead of prestige. Despite everything that has happened to you, God is bringing this man to teach you an important lesson in life, that love is what makes the world beautiful and happy for us. It gives life beautiful and golden hues that outshine the darkest or difficult sides of life. You won’t know what love is unless you try it. Your mother doesn’t have to know now. Since established and rich men are her flavour, rent a presentable apartment for your man. Begin small. He just may be waiting for a special woman to push him to his glory. By offering encouraging words, you would be helping him in no small way to achieve his purpose on earth. Don’t make the mistake of anchoring your happiness on what your mother wants. You will end up regretting that later in life. The only ingredients you need in this relationship are love and trust. Trust your heart and follow your mind to become happy. At 28, you don’t really have too much time like you had a decade ago. Good luck.

To my chagrin, she trimmed off her curves…

Dear Agatha, I am no longer comfortable with my wife, and this is affecting our marriage. My wife used to have plumped side. It was one of the things I fell in love with her. She typified the traditional African woman, who has the curves in the right places. She didn’t add too much after our two children. At any rate, I wouldn’t have noticed, because I was really crazy about her shape. I also didn’t hide this from her. When some of her friends were harping on slim, being the in thing now, I warned her not to follow the trend. And I assured her she wasn’t fat, but just right for an ideal woman. Unfortunately, she seems not to believe me, because sometimes last year she enrolled in gym. She told me it was to maintain her figure. I grudgingly allowed her to continue, but warned her against being slim. Now I can hardly recognise the woman I married, as she is now all bone. When I protested, she said it was the in thing among her friends. And that she doesn’t want to lose her husband. I reminded her that she doesn’t have problems with me on that score that I want her the way she was. The issue now is that I don’t want her anymore. I want her out of my life, because she is beginning to irritate me. I no longer derive pleasure in her company. Much as I love her, I am no longer happy with her and very hurt by the fact that she preferred what her friends’ husbands think than what I feel about her. I don’t know what to do, because we had a very happy marriage. She knows I have never liked skinny women. She has started to complain about my lack of interest in her, but there is no way I can ever be as close to her again in her present shape. I am really trying hard not to loathe her, because once I get to that point, there will be nothing more for me in the marriage. Please help me. I don’t know how to handle this challenge in my marriage of 12 years. Vincent. Dear Vincent, Since she is refusing to listen to you, she will listen to the friends she is copying. Report her to her friends, especially the ones you know are very responsible that would tell her the truth, tell them exactly what you have told me. Let them understand exactly how you feel about their friend’s disregard of your feelings as well as your intentions to end the marriage. Even if you don’t have that intention, letting it drop that you are actually contemplating ending it on account of her disobedience and the fact that you are no longer happy with her decision to alter her shape from what you like. This information that you are thinking of ending the marriage will no doubt make her think twice about what is important to her. No woman would want to throw away 12 years of a happy marriage for the vanity of her looks. Doubtless these friends would gather to talk sense into her head. When the chips are down, there is no contesting the fact she knows the side her bread is most buttered. To force her hands the more, you could for a week or so play truancy from home. You could stay with a close friend or stay longer than necessary to give the impression that you are with someone else. Ensure, at a particular time, you switch off your phone or allow it to ring endlessly. When you get home, tell her not to bother with food. No woman can withstand being ignored by her husband, who is coming late, refusing to answer his calls, and not eating her food. Nothing will communicate your displeasure with her clearer than this. She will be looking for ways of getting you to look her way, change your mind towards her. Once she gets to this point, open up and let her know how pained you are that she considers the opinion of her friends’ husbands more than yours. Every marriage has its low and highpoint. However, this development shows that your marriage isn’t as sound as it appears. Use this opportunity to listen to her also. Ask her what her problems are with the marriage. A good marriage is about harmonising your views and interests. For your happiness to be complete, you must also make out time to hear her out. Don’t forget she is the one with the body. You may like it and she doesn’t. It is a matter of meeting each other at a reasonable point. By deploying love, prayers, understanding and tolerance, you will achieve so much in this marriage. Good luck.

Re: He left to England after our wedding ten years ago

Dear Agatha, God bless you for the good work you are doing in this forum. This is to make a contribution to the above topic. You rightly told the lady that she has wasted too much time waiting for a man that does not intend to show up, thereby keeping her life at a standstill. My advise to the lady is to find her way out of the marriage and move on with her life. At 40, even if she has a challenge getting married, she could still have a child of her own. I say this because I have seen this scenario thrice with relations and friends. To explain what is going on, the men in question already have families abroad. Most likely, they are married to foreigners. And in reacting to pressure from home to marry a Nigerian, they come home and marry to please their people. In one of the cases I mentioned above, the man wanted someone to look after his sick mother. The wickedness of the whole thing is that they do not consider the life of the lady that is wasted. They capitalise on the craze of our ladies to go abroad. In the first of the three cases I mentioned above, the man kept on telling the lady he could not come home and she could not join him due to his immigration status. When eventually, the lady was able to get to the man’s base with help from her own brothers, she found the man very happily married without any intention of disrupting his marriage. Unfortunately for her, at this time, she was already nearing menopause and so has no children to show for the many years she had been ‘married.’ In the second case, the lady was very smart and determined early enough that the man only wanted a glorified house-help for his mother. She quickly ended the marriage after a few years and re-married. At the last count, she had four children of her own with her new husband. The third lady refused to believe the obvious. The man had asked her to resign her lucrative job in Lagos and relocate to the East to live with his sick mother. When she protested, he labelled her a disobedient wife. To please her husband, she agreed. She realised what was going on when sadly, her mother-in-law died. After the burial, her husband never showed up again and stopped sending her anything even though she was lucky to have had a daughter. After more than 15 years, when the man died, she could not decide whether she had been married or not and whether she was his widow or not. She was lucky she had her daughter who is now an undergraduate as the only outcome of that ugly phase in her life. In conclusion, much as our ladies will continue to crave for foreign husbands and be lured with the prospect of going abroad, there is a need to be very careful. They should set targets with the men before they go back to their base. A word is enough for the wise. Chinyere

She’s married to a ghost…

Dear Agatha, Though this story is a very sad one and I really feel for this woman who got married to a ghost as husband. But let’s look at it scripturally, according to our only holy manual, she is not entitled to another man as long as her husband is still alive. That is the reason it is always good to ask for God’s divine directive especially in life partner. If it is wrong career, wrong choice of course or any other thing, she can make another choice, but in this circumstance she is not supposed to remarry as long as this wicked man is still alive. Auntie Agatha, what do you think about this. Toyin. Dear Toyin, I am sure God didn’t intend to make us prisoners in any way. She has a right to live, to be happy as a woman and have children. What would she be waiting for when the man is obviously happy with the choice he has made down there? We should be careful when interpreting the Bible. We should allow the Holy Spirit administer to us as every word of the Bible applies to a situation we are passing through. What applies to one person may not apply to the other person. Only God is the supreme judge of our faith. In her shoes, would you continue to wait for a non-existent husband? Good luck.

Marriage outside my love’s plan

With Agatha Edo,Email:womaneditor@independentngonline.com,gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel:08054500626 Dear Agatha, I will clock 30 this year. I have been dating the man in my life for five years now. We have talked about getting married. When it looks like he is all set for it, he comes up with an excuse of why we should postpone it. Initially his excuses had to do with his lack of accommodation and a viable job. Through my father’s connection, I was able to secure him a good job in the ministry; his job came with staff quarters. He heads a department that is into verification of land, which means he is making so much from his extra deals. Not only does he have a house now, through his deals, he has two houses to his name. So it isn’t a matter of us not having the required funds or the right kind of accommodation. The thing is that I don’t know why he appears afraid to marry. I have tried to find out from him if there is anything about the matter; something I am doing that is wrong or he doesn’t like. He has never stopped assuring me that I mean so much to him. It isn’t as if I depend on him financially. I run my own business with very impressive clientele which have also increased through his own connections. He appears to be happy with the arrangement of both of us staying together without any legal paper. With my parents moving down town, he wants us to live together but much as I love him, I have never really liked the idea of a couple living together permanently without formalising their relationship. Our families are well known to each other, a point he refers to when I insist on us formalising our relationship. His friends too appear hesitant to marry. Except for two of them, many of his friends, are mostly single parents or live in lovers with the mothers of their children. I love him, but I don’t know what to do about him or this relationship. I have tried to reason with him about my age, pointing out to him that I am a woman with limited time to have children. He says there is nothing stopping us from starting a family if I so desire. Agatha, I don’t know what is happening. I am so confused about this whole thing. I love him so much to end the relationship. He loves me too; he demonstrates it everywhere we are. Do I take my friend’s suggestion and get pregnant? I don’t want any woman to reap where I have cultivated and sowed. Help me. Layimika. Dear Layimika, The choice to begin a family with a man who isn’t ready to perform any form of marital ceremony on you is purely your choice. But marriage isn’t something one does out of desperation or with half baked reasons. Unless your mind is made up to journey with those children as a single parent, nothing protects your union. No matter how strong your love for each other is, you are merely his girlfriend if nothing formal is done on you by him or members of his family. That which you fear, another woman coming to reap where you have tilled and sowed may one day become a reality if he insists on both of you living together as live in lovers. But beyond the issue of marriage, what was the agreement between the two of you when you met? Did he promise you anything at the beginning? Did he plan to marry you when he approached you for a relationship five years ago? Sincerely, this is where you should start from. Some men approach a woman simply to have an affair with her while others plan marriage from the beginning. If he never conceptualised marriage with you from the beginning, it might be difficult for him to now do so despite having spent five years together. Although you have been instrumental to his success as a man, there must be a spiritual harmony between his person and spirit man concerning having you as a wife. He may want it, but if that deep part of his is struggling against the idea of you being a permanent feature in his life, he will always fight the idea of having anything formal. What he can cope with now is having you in his life without the complications of the legal structure. He wants to be able to go and come. This is what he can cope with at this point. To an extent he is sincere with you. The problem is, are you sincere with yourself? Will you ever be happy with him under this condition he has given you? It is obvious you are only willing to play along because you don’t have an alternative to him but for you to be really happy, you must consider every angle to this issue before deciding on it. Sometime what we consider to be the end of the road may be the beginning of a very wonderful road. That you helped him doesn’t mean you must end up as his wife. You must ask God first to know what you should do. If after having children, he doesn’t marry you again. What would be your testimony and story to the children? What name will you be answering if you live with him as his live in lover? Mrs. or Miss? What we do today becomes a reference point for our children. Be wise and prayerful. Good luck.

My husband is a womaniser

With Agatha Edo,Email:womaneditor@independentngonline.com,gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel:08054500626 Dear Agatha, My husband is a chronic womaniser. There is nothing I haven’t done to make him change. He is always going in and out of relationships. I knew when we were dating that he was incapable of being faithful to a woman but I thought all that would change once we got married. I also didn’t think he would degenerate to this level. It seems as he ages, his line of women increase to tally with his age. These days, they call him even at home; not minding that he would be with his family at that time of the day. He is going to be 51 while I shall be 50, this year. His thirst for women hasn’t depreciated one bit. I actually met him when I was almost giving up any hope of being married, at almost 40 years of age. Our first born is just 10 years of age while the second one is nine. I don’t know if I can cope with this anymore. It hasn’t been easy for me at all. But I am just as scared of leaving him because I don’t know how I will cope with two young children without their father. I am fed up trying to keep him away from all the women in his life. Initially I was always fighting them until one of them called me an old woman. Please help me because I don’t know how to cope anymore with my kind of marriage and husband. Although he is attentive to his children and me, ensures we lack nothing, but I want more from him. I want him to myself; I am not getting younger. Is companionship not the reason we marry? At my age, my choices are very limited. Please help me. Wunmi. Dear Wunmi, Every good marriage must go through the mill of patience, endurance, sacrifice, selflessness, stupidity, wisdom and fear of God. For your kind of marriage to work, you must be determined to be loyal to your vows. If you keep focusing on the ways of your husband, the hurt of his disloyalty to you, lack of respect of the many women in his life, your marriage won’t survive this difficult period. There is always a history of pains and foolish patience behind every marriage that has survived to be called successful. Take it from me, successful marriages don’t grow from trees, they come about because the woman at home made up her mind to play, deaf, blind and dumb to the things happening around her. You are very lucky because his attitude didn’t start suddenly. You knew before hand the nature of the man you were getting married to. At least he was honest enough not to pretend about this flaw in his character. Frankly, you gave up your right to complain the moment you agreed to marry him with the unwritten conditions he laid bare for you through his character. By accepting to marry him knowing you will never have him to yourself, will always share him with the numerous women in his life, you should have been better prepared psychologically and spiritually than you obviously are. This isn’t the kind of marriage you go thinking that you will be able to change the man. Sincerely, that was your first mistake. After a certain age, it becomes almost impossible for any person to attempt to change another person. Only God and the determination of your husband to change can achieve the magic. So rather, than fight the women in his life, grumble about your situation, why not go on your knees? Ask God for the reason behind this marriage. Even if you didn’t ask Him in the beginning, considered yourself lucky to have gotten a single man at the age you met him, this is the time to go back to the only one who can make your husband change his ways. God that allowed the marriage to persist till now has a plan. It is this plan you must find and implement for you to be happy at the end of the day. It takes a lot of things to make a marriage work. Remember you are not doing this just for yourself but for him and the children too. You won’t have any excuse if anything happens to him. You are his wife; the one God bequeathed the authority to stand in gap for him. That the women in his life is increasing rather than decreasing since you married him, can only mean that you are not doing enough, or you lack the precise thing needed to make it work. There must be something making him go outside. Go to his family to investigate the origin of this attitude of his. Most of the attitudes we display early in life or later are things we picked up consciously or unconsciously from our parents or relations. Something must have instigated this kind of behaviour. Finding out from his family will give you a clearer and bigger picture of the issue you are dealing with. It will help you focus on where to direct your prayers. And if it is a habit he picked up along the line, it means you have to look into the kinds of friends he has and pray them out of his life. If you don’t employ prayers but depend on your own knowledge or strength to win this war; you will find yourself struggling against the tide. However, you must be strong-minded to stay put in this kind of marriage to succeed. Follow the spiritual with practical steps like ensuring his food, home, person are well taken care of. Make sure the time he spends at home are memorable. You will achieve this by restraining yourself from nagging or letting your worries about his other women show. Since he is responsible enough to provide for you and the children, swim contently in this. Always remember to thank him for whatever he does for you; even if it is his responsibility. Go the extra mile by helping him with his office bag, tie, clothes when either dressing or undressing. There is nothing a humble heart cannot achieve. Go on your knees when serving him. A woman that stoops to conquer is the wisest one at the end of the day. Remember these are the same knees you go on when praying to God. If God answers your prayers when you kneel down to pray, why won’t your husband favour you when you go down before him on those same knees? The truth is, a woman determined to displace you in his home will do this without thinking twice about it. He agreed to marry you and is still staying with you because of something he saw in you. Whatever that is, continue to refine your behaviour until he agrees to leave these women. What most women don’t know is that the little things many women think is unnecessary are the real things that appeal to men. If you develop the habit of joking about his harem, overtime, it will become just that; a joke. By making the most of the time you spend together, you will be helping yourself cope with the kind of situation you have found yourself in this marriage. Like I always say, once a marriage is devoid of physical violence, there is no situation that cannot be managed. Given the wide gap between you and your children, don’t end the marriage. You need his presence to help with the children. Besides given the age you are now, this is the time you need the company of a man most in your life. Good luck.

Can fibroid responsible for my barrenness?

With Auntie Agatha gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, May God bless you for the good work you are doing for humanity. Agatha, I have been married for some years now without a child. I am trusting God for the fruit of the womb. I am positive he will, one day, answer me. I have been to general hospital, done several tests with my husband, but all to no avail. All the always say is for us to go for more medical tests and at the end of all these endless tests, they prescribe drugs for me. However, sometime last year, I went again to keep my appointment with my doctor. Unfortunately or fortunately, I didn’t meet my regular doctor. I had to see another doctor who was entirely new in the system. After examining me, he said my body temperature was rather high than normal, and it might make conception difficult for me. I was given some prescriptions that almost killed me. I had to stop attending the hospital. In the course of my husband conversing with his boss, he introduced us to the private hospital he attends with his family. According to his boss, he also suffered from childlessness before he met this doctor who helped him and his wife become parents. There is this hotness I always feel before and shortly after my period. When I told the doctor about it, he examined me with some instruments after which he told me I have fibroids. Since I went alone, he requested to see my husband. When I informed my husband about the desire of the doctor to see him, he instructed me not to go to the hospital again. His grouse has to do with their high medical charges. The least I spend each time I go there is N20,000. Agatha, my questions now are, can this hotness prevent me from getting pregnant? What are the symptoms of fibroids? I need your help on this matter. I know I don’t have fibroids, because nobody in my family has anything like that. Mama T. Dear Mama T, Unfortunately, the reasons some women develop fibroids and other don’t, are still very shrouded in vagueness. But one thing is clear, it runs in families, and affected women often have a family history of fibroids. Since no woman in your family has ever had it, you may have to seek a second medical opinion to be doubly sure you are getting the right diagnosis. It is always better to go for a second opinion when dealing with serious and sensitive medical challenges like you have. From my experience having high body temperature doesn’t translate to a woman having fibroid even though it can have impact on the ease with which a woman can get pregnant. The drugs prescribed for you by the doctor may be too powerful for you. The right thing should have been for you to go back to the doctor to complain about the drugs. Had you told him, he might have found a way of reducing the frequency with which you take the drugs or found you an alternative that would work with your system better. However, see a gynecologist for proper medical examination and treatment. Contrary to what a lot of people think, government hospitals still have the best medical personnel. The only thing required is for you to exercise patience when dealing with them. However, if you are able to secure an appointment, you can be sure of getting the right kind of treatment. But let him or her know about the different kinds of examinations and tests you have gone through as well as the kinds of drugs you have been given. If possible go with your reports and samples of the drugs you have been given so far. This information would help the doctor know where to start. The danger of having multiplicity of doctors is the different drugs you will be given. Once you are able to link up with a good doctor, develop the confidence to stay through a treatment. One of your errors is not having the patience to complete a course of treatment anywhere. Such an attitude can only bring into your life needless complications as a result of the different kinds of drugs and conclusions each new doctor you visit comes up with. Seeking second opinion is different from what you are doing now. For some strange reasons, women of African descent are two to three times more likely to develop fibroids than women of other races. The reason for this isn’t clearly defined, but researchers are of the opinion that it has to do with our gene. Fibroids grow in response to stimulation by the hormone estrogen, produced naturally in the body. These growths can show up as early as age 20 and shrink after menopause when the body stops producing large amounts of estrogen. Fibroids can be tiny and cause no problems, but they also can grow to weigh several kilogrammes. It is a matter of luck. Fibroids grow slowly, some become so life threatening, spreading very close to the heart. They actually start in the muscle tissues of the uterus. They can also grow into the uterine cavity into the thickness of the uterine wall or on the surface of the uterus into the abdominal cavity. Some deadly ones actually grow right inside the uterus making conception impossible as they take the place meant for the baby to stay and grow inside the womb. A uterine fibroid is the most common benign, not cancerous tumour of a woman’s uterus. Fibroids are tumours of the smooth muscle that is normally found in the wall of the uterus. They can develop within the uterine wall itself or attach to it. They may grow as a single tumour or in clusters. Uterine fibroids can cause excessive menstrual bleeding, pelvic pain, and frequent urination. So even though they are termed “benign tumors,” fibroids potentially can cause many health problems. These growths occur in up to 50 per cent of all women and are one leading cause of hysterectomy, removal of the uterus among women in the world. In Nigeria, the lack of viable data makes it impossible to say how many women go for such operations or how many survive it. But, it contributes majorly to the gynecological problems many women are having. Abroad, particularly in the United States, they have been able to come up with a less all-encompassing surgical treatments are now available to help control the growth of fibroids. The following factors have been associated with the presence of fibroids, being overweight, although extremely slim women have been known to battle severe cases of fibroids. The second sign is a woman who hasn’t given birth before. This is why you should ask for a second opinion. If true you have fibroid, it is always better to commence treatment early before it becomes too complicated. However, not all women who are experiencing difficulties conceiving have fibroids. Some just have delays than defy medical reasons. Another study say women who started menstruating before 10 years of age are more prone to having fibroid. If a woman is also having abnormally heavy and embarrassing flow, it is a sign that she might have fibroid or experiencing movement, akin to that of a baby somewhere in the vicinity of her womb. Whatever your story is, go and see a doctor trained in the area of your challenge. The worst thing you can do to yourself is to secondly guess your health challenge. This is what you should communicate to your husband, he has to support you to win this battle and not focus only on the money that is being demanded from him. Good luck.

She ought to remain a friend though married…

With Auntie Agatha gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I had this beautiful but unreliable lady I shared my ambition with. Back then, I was cub-reporter. I was busy and building a career. I was out of Nigeria for some years; when I got back, I discovered to my shock that the lady was double dating all the while. Even the parents didn’t know or the things she was capable of. Now she is married while the young man she hurt so much is still single though extremely wealthy. Shouldn’t she at least be friendly with this man from her past? Disappointed Man. Dear Disappointed Man, There is nothing strange in your story. I am sure, almost everyman or woman for that matter has similar story to tell. Disappointment is concomitant with the things of the heart. Since this woman is married, move on with your life. There is nothing between the two of you anymore. Just as you wouldn’t want your wife, when you marry to stay connected to her ex-boyfriend, it would be totally out of place to expect this woman, no matter what your opinion is of her to stay allied to you now. Whatever existed between the two of you remains in the past. She has a new life, new identity and focus as wife and mother. Besides if she goes out of her way to be friendly with you, she will only be enforcing the already low opinion you have of her so why risk her home to stay friendly with a person who thinks she is morally bankrupt? Wouldn’t that be risking too much? Move on. Out there is a woman for you. You and this one were never meant to be. Good luck.

Six weeks after the altar another lady is carrying my baby…

With Auntie Agatha,gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, Please help me out of this mess my foolishness on my bachelor’s eve earned me. You know how it is with men. My friends in the spirit of the day organised a party for me. As it is the custom at such farewell party I was given a girl to sleep with that night. It was meant to be my send off gift to the bachelorhood. Unfortunately, less than six weeks into my marriage, the lady came back and was in my office last week to announce she is pregnant. I can’t deny her because something tells me she is telling the truth. Besides, I made the costly mistake of not wearing any protection that night, and even dismissed her warnings that she was safe. My state of mind that night wouldn’t have permitted anything else. I just had to sleep with the lady. In the first place apart from being the prettiest woman there that night, I was tipsy. I simply wasn’t thinking straight that night. Since telling me her news, I have not been myself. Especially as she insisted she wasn’t ready to abort the pregnancy. Being her first, since she started the business of having sex, you can imagine the kinds of sentiments she has deployed into this pregnancy. According to her, she isn’t sure of being able to get pregnant again. There is nothing my friends have not done to influence her to get rid of the pregnancy, but she insists on keeping it, declaring that she really doesn’t need me to provide for her and the child. According to her, she simply wanted me to know I have a child somewhere, nothing more. Frankly, those who know her all agree that she isn’t the kind of woman that sleeps around or looking for a man to tie down. But what do I tell my wife? How do I explain to her that another woman is pregnant for me six weeks into our marriage life? Since we started dating three years ago, she has never been pregnant. It was even one of the reasons I caved in to her pressures to get married when we did. She was afraid I might end up not marrying her after all she did for me. She used her parents’ money to set me up as a man. The least I could do was to marry her since the doctors we went to in Nigeria and England certified us medically fit to have children. I am fearful of her temper. She is capable of doing anything out of anger or sheer jealousy. If she discovers I got another woman pregnant, she will not only kill me but won’t spare the woman also. She is that terrible when provoked. When I told my sister, she said I should plead with the one carrying my baby for help in concealing the identity of the father of her child, but my elder brother insists I inform my wife about it. His argument is that it can be better managed now than if my wife gets to find out later. Both of them agree that this child is a gift from God, which I shouldn’t reject. How do I handle this situation without ruining my home? Gbade. Dear Gbade, Granted every child is a gift from God, but it was very silly of you to have gambled with your future – marriage, dreams and everything that has to do with your person, to sleep with a stranger without any form of protection. What if she gave you an incurable disease, the kind that would cut short your lifespan? What would you be telling your wife, your story and excuse for infecting her with such a disease? Adulthood is about being responsible, considering first how our actions would affect those close to us before taking a decision. No matter how drunk you were you knew the risk of sleeping with a woman without taking precaution as well as the risk that comes with it on your marriage. How will you feel if the prove of your wife’s infidelity is presented before you as you are about to do to her? One thing is to be unfaithful another is for her to have physical evidence of your unfaithfulness. Sincerely you are about to present to her a very bitter pill, one that will be difficult for you to explain as an accident given the challenges you are both having as a couple. There is no way she won’t think you planned it, as a fall back option in case she is unable to give you a child. And the more you delay in telling her, the more difficult it becomes to explain things to her. Besides, you are risking someone else telling her before you. The moments she gets to know from a secondary source, you will never be able to convince her that you didn’t mean to keep the information from her. Not only would it destroy the trust between you forever, it will also make her hate the child more than she would ordinarily have. In addition the guilt of keeping such a big secret from her will never give you the absolute freedom to be the kind of husband you ought to be. Besides, problems are best resolved when still fresh. By telling her now, you are giving your marriage and wife ample time to heal and recover from this shock. Also, it will help make up her mind early on how to relate with the child. By giving her the right to decide on whether the child should stay with the mother or have the child stay with you will further convince her that you are not out to use this child to humiliate her. Even if she is unable to bear you a child, assure her that this child and the mother will never push her out of your life. However, before telling her, go to her parents to inform them about it. Don’t attempt to hold anything back from them, give them all the details that led to you getting this lady pregnant. The reason for this is to manage the opposition from her friends to your marriage. Once you are able to explain to them yourself, settle whatever disappointment they would naturally feel at this development. By the time she comes to them with the story of your unfaithfulness to her, they won’t fuel the crisis by giving her support to end the marriage, rather they will find ways of encouraging her to stay and make the marriage work. You also need the help and support of her close friends. Involving all these people is to ensure that your young marriage survives this. Often, friends influence one’s reactions and decisions. If she isn’t getting the kind of support and condemnation she expects from her family and friends, she will be forced to discuss all the other options to this issue with you. Also, it will tell her how much you want this marriage and the fact that she doesn’t have a monopoly of this kind of challenge in her marriage. One thing you must also never do is to exclude her from whatever is happening to the child and mother. To achieve this, put her in charge of communicating with the woman and the baby. Whatever the mother of your child wants or has to tell you should be channelled through her at least for the time being. The essence of involving her is to give your marriage the chance to survive and you, the time to build your emotional invulnerability to this woman. Having made a costly mistake before, you must do everything to guard against you making another one. Seeing her pregnant with your child may soften you enough to continue what you unwittingly started on your bachelor’s eve. Therefore, it is best you remove yourself from temptation way. Also, putting your wife in charge of the welfare of the child at this very early state will not only achieve the aim of communicating your lack of interest in the mother, but also give you the opportunity to access how well your wife has adjusted to the presence of this child. Her attitude will help you determine what kind of provision to make for the child in future. But a word of caution, if your wife is unwilling to take on the responsibility, please don’t force or get angry with her. This kind of news takes time for any woman to assimilate or tackle. It is a sore that will take forever to heal, so endure, understand any attitude she puts up. Remember, you called for it. Only the grace of God can make the difference in your marriage. Good luck.

If a man lacks cash to try love

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, The numerous pieces of advice to people over the years cannot be quantified. What should a man do when he is not buoyant to fall in love, indulge in an affair? Your Reader. Dear Reader, In the first place, money isn’t needed to fall in love. Love is priceless and a natural pull to the one person that is special. To append it to money is to devalue what God has given freely. Don’t hold back on the feeling when you see a woman who reciprocates what you feel for her. If you are both responsible about it, you won’t need money beyond the normal money you need daily to meet your basic needs in life. However problems come when a couple decides to be irresponsible about the whole affair. Love has its season, planting, consolidating and harvesting. If you are wise not to migrate prematurely into the future seasons of the relationship, you will not need to worry about the financial aspect too much. Money becomes a problem in the relationship when you engage in sex and the woman gets pregnant and need money for either evacuation or to keep the baby. If both of you are willing to wait, to enable you as the man put structures that would make life manageable for both of you in place especially when the children begin to come, you won’t have problems. The most important thing for you is to be truthful to yourself and the woman. Don’t make pledges you lack the financial ability to keep. Be honest with whom you are, this way, she would know what she is going into and not make unnecessary demands on you. Good luck

I now want to abstain from sex

With Agatha Edo,Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com,08054500626 Dear Agatha, I met this guy through a friend. We got into the habit of chatting and we got to know each other even though we hadn’t seen physically since he stays in the United States. Along the line, we developed feelings for each other and, after a while, he decided to come to Nigeria to visit me. When he came, we stayed in a hotel. I was so happy because I really liked him. He also claimed to like me as well. I went through a bad breakup with my ex, and I just want to be careful. We stayed in the hotel for three days, we made love. He came inside me, so we had to get a contraceptive. I was really scared because I didn’t want to get pregnant. I have planned my life and getting pregnant now is not in the plan. When I got home, I was scared because we still had unprotected sex. I wasn’t too sure I was safe, so I got another contraceptive. While I was at home, I gave a lot of thoughts to the disappointment my parents would feel if I should get pregnant now in addition to the turn my life would take. So I decided to stay away from sex till I get married. Now I don’t know how to tell him that I have changed my mind about having sexual intercourse with him since we are now officially dating. I’m scared that he might not be interested in the relationship again as most guys love having sex. I don’t know if I should tell him or not. Please Agatha, what do I do? Confused Girl. Dear Confused Girl, Tell him the truth about your decision. Although this might create some kinds of confusion especially as you agreed to sleep with him when you hardly knew him and no form of relationship had been established, he would naturally wonder why this decision. By coming out with the whole truth, including the bit about you not wanting to disappoint your parents or mess up your life, he will come to appreciate certain things your initial behaviour did not give him time to value. You must also endeavour to convince him that your decision isn’t aimed at blackmailing into marrying you. This might naturally be his first line of thought but once you are able to convince him that your resolution comes from a desire to undo the mistake you made by agreeing to sleep with him without protection or regard for the impression you were giving him about yourself, he will reason along with you. If you are both meant to be, he will listen to you and help you effect whatever correction you want to make in your life. But beyond the reason you have, it will help tell you what he really thinks of you; if you are meant to be just a play thing, a holiday fling while in Nigeria. On the other hand, if he leaves you, it means his proclaimed interest in you is suspect; a good reason for you to evaluate your association with him. Frankly, his reactions to whatever you have to say will go along way in helping you arrive at a safe conclusion regarding where you really stand with him. Therefore, it isn’t just about pregnancy but about your own peace of mind. As a woman who has suffered disappointment, you should have been more cautious than you were. What if you had contracted an infection from him or got pregnant and he denied responsibility of it? What story will you be telling? It pays to be vigilant always. The fact that he will soon be leaving for his base means you will have to stop sleeping with him anyway. So if he gets unnecessarily angry because you refuse to sleep with him then something isn’t exactly right with the relationship. Besides, you both need time to think about the relationship. One of the greatest challenges before you is cultivating this long-distant relationship. A lot of efforts and wisdom have to be applied for it to succeed. And if sex is what you both put forward, it might be very difficult to focus on those little things which often than not turn parasitic in marriages. If both of you are well tuned, sex will always be beautiful between the two of you. But if there is a gap somewhere in your relationship, no matter how good your sex life is, it will never be enough to keep both of you together. If he has good intentions for you, your character and not sex will be his major concern. Good luck.

I’m confused over my fiancee’s commitment

With Agatha Edo,Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com,08054500626 Dear Agatha, My husband wanted a big wedding ceremony but I declined, insisting on a low key wedding because of the way things were for us. He needed money for other things. On the fourth of February, he paid my bride price at a ceremony that was devoid of the kind of extravaganza he wanted. He said we would have a big wedding after his elections. He has spent so much money preparing for the local government election which nobody is sure will still hold in our state, Abia. Although he asked me to be ready for the white wedding, I have refused and given him the option to either quit the relationship and give me the freedom to get married to another man or he continues with the marriage rites. Though he said he will continue but I need to be sure I have done the right thing. I took this action because men can be very unpredictable and dangerous. If I don’t insist on him completing everything that has to do with our marriage, he may end up breaking my heart by getting married to another lady, and throw away our four years courtship. He happens to be my first love. Although we love each other, a lot of things can go wrong between now and when we decide to marry. Agatha, am I wrong? After our traditional marriage rites, I have refused to live in his house because we plan to wed before we start living together but he has now changed his mind; he wants me to move in so that we can plan our wedding together. Being the first daughter of the family and the first to wed, I don’t have the experience of planning a wedding. Also despite my desire to wed as soon as possible, I need to save some money to help my parents out with the wedding arrangements. Please Agatha, I am totally confused over everything. Just tell me whatever it is I am doing wrong. I also need advice on how to proceed in the wedding preparation. Ngozi. Dear Ngozi, Under the traditional laws of our land, you are married since your bride price has been paid. There is nothing stopping you from moving in with him as his wife. In our custom, the traditional marriage is the most important because it provides an avenue for family members to meet. There is nothing stopping you from moving in with your husband. What exactly are you expecting to go wrong? As a matter of fact, your refusal to come and stay with him after paying your wedding price is creating the very room for something to go wrong. Honestly, you need to bury this garment of suspicions else you will end up creating a complex situation of you suspecting any woman he comes in contact with. Being a politician, you must give him the freedom to associate and interact with both men and women. It is his lot as a politician to be in company of women and men even at odd hours of the night. And as your husband, you must learn to begin to grow a certain measure of trust in his person and words. Without this, you marriage has very little chance of survival. Both of you must make a deliberate effort to inject this into your relationship without which he would constantly explain his relationship with other women to you. From my observations, you really need to have an open mind about this. It is important you ponder on your ability to cope. If you are the very suspicious type, you may not have the maturity and presence of mind to encourage him to the height of his political passion. Deep down ask yourself this question; can you cope with the flocks of women that will always flock around him? One thing is to want to wed, another thing is to be in love and have the desire to give it your all. Do you have the strength of mind to give this man every inch of your mind, body and soul? Do you have what it takes to make him succeed in his choice of career? From your account, both of you need to learn more about each other to be happy together. For instance, you both need to sit down to discuss about yourselves. It is obvious that you both don’t appear to like the same things. For instance, he wants a big wedding ceremony while you appear not to mind. Unless you both sit to harmonise this aspect of your marriage, it will continue to be an issue which if not handled with tact may tug your relationship and marriage at opposing ends. As the woman of the house, you must develop the wisdom to engage your man in meaningful dialogue that will wean him off his penchant towards showiness. If you are really desperate to wed soonest and desirous of helping him manage his finances, bow to his wishes that you move in with him. This way, you will get to plan a wedding that is not as ostentatious as he wants but also good enough to please him. This way, you will be able to save both of you some money to invest in a business or anything that will bring in extra money. In marriage, it isn’t every time a woman argues her points. Most times, practical steps will win the day. By taking full charge of the wedding ceremony, you are able to control its expenses; do away with things you know aren’t very important to you, concentrate on the areas that need attention and cut down on excess demands for money by people who want to use the occasion to cheat him. This is why you are his wife; his soul mate as well as his confidant. Besides, it will further bind both of you as well as energise the needed trust in your union. You are confused because you don’t have a focus for yourself beyond wanting to wed. Once you shift your focus from wedding ceremony to the quality of your feelings for this man; the nature of your relationship, the focus of your marriage and the kind of home you want, what you should do at this point would become clearer. Marriage isn’t about what you want or he wants for that matter; rather, it works well when both of you are willing to accommodate each other’s opinion as well as accord respect for the feelings of the other person. As it is now, both of you, if not careful, will create a huge misunderstanding for yourselves regarding the dimension you each want your wedding ceremony to be. There will be less confusion if you are both prepared to take the path of compromise. Above all, subject your desires to the will of God. Good luck.

He left to England after our wedding ten years ago...

With Auntie Agatha,gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, My husband travelled a day after our wedding 10 years ago. Since then he hasn’t come back to the country, neither have I been able to go to meet him. We actually met a year before we got married. We met when he first came home from his base the previous year. Throughout that year, he kept telling me on the phone how he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. So when he came back, we got married. But we talk almost every day. He keeps telling me to be patient with him. He gives a variety of excuses as to why he can’t come home or being able to process my travelling documents. However, about two years ago, he instructed me not to call him that he would gladly do all the callings. I didn’t mind since it would save me the money. But recently, I needed to talk to him urgently. I dialed his number repeatedly he didn’t pick it. I kept calling but he refused to pick his phone. I guess he must have switched it off after a while because I didn’t get through to him again. The next day, he called and was very angry with me. He called me a disobedient wife, lacking of respect for her husband. He didn’t even give me the chance to explain why I wanted to speak with him at that time of the night. After saying all that he had to say, he cut the line. I tried to get him back he refused to pick my call. From that point, it became impossible to get him on that line. I told his parents about the development, his mother right in my presence called him but also encountered similar problem. She told me not to worry that she would get back to me. She must have because he called me with another number. He instructed me never to call him on his former number, but to use this new number whenever I wanted to speak with him. After listening to my reason for calling him the other night, he promised to send the money I wanted. Again, I tried calling him one night that I was very lonely, but the number was not available. I only get him during the daytime on this number or on the nights he is at work. Agatha, he sends me money and things, but that is as far as I get from him. At 40 I have a husband who hasn’t seen me in a decade. I am childless and to crown it all, he appears to be keeping things from him. Although nobody has told me anything, but I have a strong hunch that my housband has another woman in his life. Else, why would he stop me from calling him in the night or he for that matter? I also observed that his mother is not as worried about his refusal to come for me as before. Her worries concerning when he hopes to start having children in life have ceased. Her attitude these days whenever I complain is that God best. Before now, my siblings have been urging me to think of what to do with the marriage because in their opinion, I didn’t have a husband. Then, lots of men were still showing interest in me. One of them actually wanted me to terminate my marriage to marry him. Except for my mother, every other member of my family wanted me to end my so-called ma0rriage. I really don’t know what to do anymore. At my age, only men interested in sleeping with me for fun come around. All the serious ones are married, which leaves me with the worry of where do I start from. My friends who married at the same time I did or after me are all mothers. It has been very difficult for me. I have a husband but in the real sense of it, I don’t. Age is no longer on my side. Whenever I ask him about the issue of our having children when he is there and I am here, he tells me soon. He has been telling me that since we got married. I don’t know what to do anymore. I am frustrated, dejected and very sad at what has become of my marriage and life. I don’t know any of his friends or where he works in England. Whenever I ask him such questions, he tells me, I will meet them when I come. I really trusted him and believed him. How do I go about this issue? I don’t want any member of his family to accuse me of being wayward or unappreciative of what my husband has done for me. In fairness to him, he helped set up my business. Even if I leave, where do I start? Ifeoma. Dear Ifeoma, Honestly, you have wasted too much time already as well as taken everything for granted. A man leaves you a day after your wedding 10 years ago without looking back or considering your feelings and you sit quietly waiting for something to happen? Granted every marriage has its challenges but not your kind of marriage. This one doesn’t even exist beyond the ceremony of you two meeting and getting married. This man has simply put you into a sort of bondage. As it is you cannot move forward or backwards. You are fixed to one spot, a point that leaves you without anything at the end of the day. Whatever reasons he is giving you for not coming home for 10 years aren’t tenable. If he truly wanted you to join him, he would have made the efforts long ago. The truth is that there is something he is hiding from you, the reason he ordered you not to call him at night or on the number you have always used in communicating with him. It is this same reason that has kept you a secret from his friends over there. This simply underscores your lack of knowledge of the man you married. In the beginning, he may have had the intentions of coming for you after a short while, but something he is unwilling to tell you must have happened to make him change his mind. Whatever it is that has kept you a grass widow for a decade is what you should demand from your husband. It isn’t as if he cannot come home, unless of course he has problems with the law over there and is shy to tell you. Whatever his reason or excuse, at this juncture, there is nothing for you to lose by asking him direct questions. You have kept quiet for too long and if he now considers you a disobedient wife for demanding to know what your fate is with him after what appears to be a wasted decade, so be it. Insist you are capable of dealing with anything, including the knowledge of him having a wife and children down there. Anything is better than keeping you in this limbo and confusing state. Let him realise that being married to him has made it difficult for you to move beyond a point, and that you consider it very unfair his treatment of you. Be clear to him that you can no longer endure the situation; that you want to end the marriage so as to move on. Giving him this kind of ultimatum is the only way you can get him to admit to whatever it is that has kept him away from you for a whole decade. But before you do this, let his mother know you have reached the end of the road with her son. Ask her if you were her daughter, would she keep encouraging you to stay in this kind of marriage? If anybody in his family turns around to accuse you of being wayward or unappreciative of whatever it is he has done for you in terms of financial assistance, remind them that you married their son at 30 and haven’t seen him for 10 years. In your shoes, what would they have done? Not that you were pregnant at the time he left and has a child to call your own. It is their right to talk and yours to plan your life the way you would be happy at the end of the day. A marriage is only a marriage when the two people in it have the same ideas, are loyal to each other, have mutual respect and share each other’s company. A marriage is to provide companionship. If for a decade you don’t have this, then what kind of marriage is it? His money isn’t what you came to marry; you came to marry their son. Tell them you are ready to stay as long as they provide you with your husband. Sincerely, the ball is in your court. The longer you wait for this man who appears not in a hurry to come back to you, the harder it becomes for you to start again. You have to urgently make up your mind over that thing that makes you most happy. You are the only one who can make the decision. Good luck.

Age is telling on my sex life…

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I will be 49 years old next month. I last saw my period six months ago. Before it stopped, my periods were so heavy; nothing was holding me longer than an hour. I was changing practically every 30 minutes. It was so bad, my husband had to take me to see the doctor, who said it was very normal with some women. Immediately after that I began to feel my womb popping. I was so scared that I had to rush off again to see the doctor. After examination, he said nothing was wrong that my reproductive system was simply shutting down. I didn’t like the word, shutting down because it meant as a woman I was no longer useful. I also started having hot flushes and losing weight. Initially I was happy because it meant looking trim and more fashionable. But in recent times, I have noticed the appearance of more wrinkles on my face, especially around my neck, mouth and eyes areas. But all these are not as worrisome as the impact of this phase on my sex life. I have become so dry, that making love is very painful. My husband and I have tried using Vaseline (a brand of petroleum jelly) to make it smoother for me but it ends up hurting me badly. And he isn’t finding all these funny. Severally, I have heard him grumbling, but when he senses I am watching him, he would pretend it is okay, a natural phase. As a result, I hate making love and the result is the challenge I now have. My husband, who is quite adventurous, has already started having an affair. I know because I have seen him with this lady about twice. I don’t want to lose him because this is the time I need my marriage the most. I have asked several friends on how they have been able to cope, gloss over it. All my friends pretend they don’t have any problem with it or haven’t hit the menopause mark. I really don’t know whom to turn to for help. Even my mother I tried to get help from terrified me the more. She actually told me it was a taboo for a woman who has reached menopause to have sex with her man again. She said I should turn a blind eye to whatever my husband was doing with another woman. That I should be contented with caring for him and the children. I have tried to read about menopause in the media, but it seems nobody wants to discuss it. I am really getting very frustrated because apart from my doctor who keeps assuring me that I will be fine, all I get are blank stare from friends and relatives. I want my husband back, but how do I make him come back when each time he comes near me, I become frigid. Worried Woman. Dear Worried Woman, There is nothing to be worried about or ashamed of. It is a phase of life every woman is expected to pass through. There is no escaping from it. Like the menstrual years, it comes with some discomfort, but these are things that can be managed. Menopause means the loss of estrogen, which more often than not leads to changes in a woman’s sexual drive and functioning. The reason for this is that with loss of estrogen, blood supply to the vaginal is reduced which affects vaginal lubrication. This naturally causes the area to be very dry making sex painful like the kind you are currently experiencing. Unfortunately, lower estrogen is not the only reason behind depreciating sexual performance in some middle-aged women. Other factors include, bladder control problems, some women experience increased bladder movement, sleep disturbances, stress, depression like you are experiencing. The more worried you are, the more complex the situation becomes. You have to let go of your worries and anxiety to improve your condition. Even if your husband decides to date all the women around him, learn to look the other way if you really want him back in your life. Although there are no guarantees for treating women with menopausal sexual challenges, estrogen replacement is an option; it makes intercourse less painful as it helps retain moisture in the vaginal area. Discuss with your gynecologist. Frankly, this isn’t time for you to be shy to converse with your doctor. For now, your doctor should be your best friend. Let him refer you to those trained to deal with middle-aged woman going through menopausal crisis. In the meantime, vaginal dryness can be treated with water-soluble lubricants like astroglide or K-Y Jelly. The use of Vaseline, a non-water soluble in addition to weakening the materials used in the manufacture of condom also encourage the growth of bacteria in the vaginal area. Using water-based lubricants will definitely help you maintain moisture, long enough for you and your husband to have a normal love life. Also you will need the help and support of your husband to scale this hurdle. You definitely need more foreplay and attention than before. To get your husband to help you, you must first accept the fact that certain things have to change from the way you have done them in the past. Your hitting the menopausal age hits him more like thunderbolt that he is already deep into his middle age. More than women, this knowledge affects men more and is enough to make some men panic sufficiently to want to test their virility with younger women. This is the time men get more vain; they are more afraid of losing their vibrancy than women. Therefore, you have to be very patient to bring him back home to you. Having lived with you till this moment, the chance of dumping you for a younger woman is slim. No man at this age wants to start nappies and crying babies. Like you, he is looking forward to being a grandfather, but it is just that the male ego wants some excitements to assure him that no matter the age of a man he remains productive. What has changed is that you can no longer make babies, but you can still look good, sexy and imaginative. My mother once told me it is called the wisdom years of a woman. In every true sense, you are wiser now, more mature and able to handle just about any challenge thrown at you. Besides, this phase takes away your monthly worries of applying caution. No matter how many times you do it now, there is no getting pregnant. It is one worry off your shoulders. The result is a more relaxed and matured approach to the whole concept of lovemaking. Nothing you do or say anymore is forbidden or seen as strange. Therefore to get him back, you must dig deep into your bag of experience and fantasies. He can no longer ask you questions about how you came about the knowledge. When he is at home, nothing stops both of you from watching an adult film. It would help relax you sufficiently for both of you to enjoy intimacy. Sometimes, visuals have a way of making it happen for the woman who lacks initiative of her own. Adult books too also give wonderful ideas to help the middle aged woman keep afloat. It will also help educate you on the positions that will help reduce the discomfort of deep penetration. For the sake of both of you, it is essential you control the depth of penetration. You also have to keep working on your appearance. That you are in your menopausal years shouldn’t stop you from looking good. Like an old wine, experienced women can actually look better than younger women. The trick is to carve your own fashion statement. Look for cuts that flatter without making you appear to be struggling to stay young. It is a simple matter of learning to wear your age like underwear. If you feel comfortable in pant trousers, look for the matured cut; compliment with blouses that cover up the body but are very feminine. Ensure when he is at home, he finds a friend in you; one who has the ability to help him grow, recover from whatever kind of stress he is going through. Make attempts to bring back those wonderful and early years, reminiscences over the early years when the children started coming and what you hope to do later. At every point, make it interesting, something to look forward to. Since all the children are now grow up, take your husband on a holiday. The magic is to learn how to fall in love again. With it comes a sense of excitement, the kind that gives sex a new meaning and helps you relax. Age is an attitude. Be determined that this isn’t the end of your life. Good luck.

I’m afraid she won’t love my son?

Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I am desperate for a solution to my problem, which started 13 years ago. I had an affair with my friend’s younger sister in a moment of weakness. She has always been the wild type and that night, I came home tired. Her brother and I shared a flat. Till date, I don’t know how it all started but the fact remains that she and I ended up in bed that night. By morning, it was too late to change the hands of the clock. So I did the gentleman thing of telling my friend all about it and asking him to support my desire to marry her even though I was nothing near my goal in life. Knowing how wild his sister is he tried to discourage me from doing it but changed his mind when she came back a month later to announce her pregnancy. Unknown to me, she had always boasted to her family and friends that whether I liked it or not, she would end up having me all to herself. I, on the other hand, had always prided myself as principled. My friend, her brother, who knew all about her scheming wasn’t comfortable with the whole set up and kept telling me that if I changed my mind about marrying his sister that I could always count on his support. Since the flat was originally mine, my friend moved out to give us privacy. Being my friend’s sister, my family didn’t object too much. I was forced against my will to accept employment from my father’s company to enable me settle into the marriage. My elder sister whom I told of how it all happened and about my lack of love for her, counselled me to endure the few years that after a while, I would come to see her as a friend if nothing else. I ignored all her attitudes during her pregnancy ascribing them to her condition. She refused to cook my meals. All she did was to give commands to the house-help. Severally, her brother dragged the mother to come and talk sense into her head but she told them to mind their business. Her mother kept pleading with me for understanding and being naturally a patient person; it wasn’t difficult for me to endure. However, the birth of my son gave me something to be happy about. He was so cute and adorable. He made me forget my lukewarm feelings toward the mother. At that moment I was ready to love her unconditionally as well as do everything to make the marriage work. Unfortunately, she abandoned the child and me after six months on the excuse that motherhood and matrimony was inhibiting her freedom and choice to live her life the way she liked. No member of her family knew her whereabouts. Her mother offered to look after the child but my mother insisted on taking the child with her to California. My son is now 13 years of age. After that incident, I refused to have anything with a woman for a long time until I met my current girlfriend three years ago. At first, I didn’t tell her about my son since I wasn’t too sure of a future between us. I however made up my mind to marry her about three months ago. So I told her about my son. I was prepared for anger but not to the extent of telling me she wouldn’t want to live with my son under the same roof. But she is now back begging me to forgive her that she was now prepared to accept my son and me unconditionally. To be frank, I am very skeptical about all this. I don’t want to expose my son to a situation that might not augur well for his development. Neither do I want to open my heart to another woman capable of hurting me later in life. Please help me. I am 39 years old. Henry. Dear Henry, In a way, you are to blame for her reactions. Why did you wait until three years after your meeting to inform her about something so fundamental and which also involves her person? Frankly, your excuse is baseless. How would telling her have affected your decision to marry her or not? If she reacted violently, it is only for the reason that she didn’t know the man she has been dating for three years well enough. At that point, you came across to her as a complete stranger, somebody she was just seeing for the first time. In her shoes, what would have been your reactions? That a woman you have been with for three years, keeps such important information away from you! You didn’t have this child the day you told her. The child has been in your life for 13 years, long before you met her. So you can’t say, you didn’t remember to inform her about him all these while you were having and fine-tuning the relationship. Telling her just three months ago, is presenting her with little choice because she has invested time to get to the point of you finding her worthy of asking her to be your wife. If you didn’t tell her about your son, my guess is you also never mentioned the fact that you were once married to another woman. So not only is she faced with the reality of a stepchild but that of an ex-wife. These are things you should have told her long ago, besides you just don’t inform a person you are about to marry about things like that. You discuss such an issue inside out with the person. This is because both parties would have to work together to arrive at a compromise situation to make things easy for you. What you have done is to tell this woman that you don’t trust her as well as put to question your declaration of love for her. How do you expect her to be a mother to a child she doesn’t even know exist? What time does she have to get to know him not to talk of learning to love him the way the child deserves to be loved by the woman who would be mother to him? To be candid, you are the problem here. If she becomes a difficult stepmother, it is only because you laid the foundation for her to be suspicious of your intentions and placement of your son over her. Only few women wouldn’t react the way she did or not think your attitude has to do with the quality of love you have for her. Sincerely, you owe her an apology for not preparing her for the task of being a stepmother of a 13-year-old child. She said those things because she was hurt beyond measure. There is no way you expect her to applaud what you did or automatically welcome the idea of this boy staying with you especially if she didn’t know anything about your previous marriage to another woman or that the child is living with your mother outside the country. More than you, she is the one who needs all the assurances that you are for real and that you don’t have any more dangerous secrets you are keeping away from her. Even though she came back of her own free will, to earn her trust and get the best from her, you must explain everything about your previous marriage to her. She is entitled to every detail of what transpired between you and your ex. She needs to arm herself with this information to enable her defend or understand your reasons for certain decisions you may take. Because you have a past she isn’t a part of and which she doesn’t have, you have to trust her for herself as well as offer the platform to trust you sufficiently to place her life in your care. Irrespective of whether you were the injured one or not; the fact that you have a record of a broken marriage behind you doesn’t exactly make you her best choice considering the headache and stress an ex-wife with a child/children represent for the new woman. If she is therefore willing to take her chances with you, the best you can do is learn to trust her reason. Secondly, guessing an action she has not even taken could cost you this relationship. Another thing you should avoid is to bury your disappointed with your first wife. Don’t allow the memories of how she treated you and her son continue to affect your chances of happiness with another woman. You have to learn to live and love again else you subconsciously give her the freedom to continue to rule your life and hurt you all over again. Make the effort to create an opportunity for your son and his future mother to meet. If you haven’t told your son about her, please make out the time to. Ensure he understands your reason to have a woman in your life. Be patient to listen to his questions, because they will mirror his fears as well as hope. Don’t make promises you know may be impossible. Don’t also try to be the image-maker of your woman. Allow both of them meet and fall in love with each other naturally. Both of them have to find their cadence together as mother and child. Step aside for them to make the necessary mistakes as well as the required adjustment to move forward. They each have to learn to respect the place and feelings of the other because she would produce your son’s other siblings. Believe me, if you handle this situation with maturity and wisdom it requires, you will have less to worry about. Above all learn to pray yourself into success always. Good luck.

With Agatha Edo Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com , gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com,08054500626 Dear Agatha, I am in big trouble; one I am not sure how I and my twin sons will ever get out of. Five years ago, out of desperation and greed, I married a man my father disliked and described as a man of questionable character. I ignored my parents and proceeded to get pregnant for him. He was swimming in money so I really didn’t care about what my parents, my father in particular, said. Even when I announced my pregnancy to my father as reasons for him to allow me get married, he refused. He told me he would allow me put to bed in his house; that it was a minor sacrifice to pay than me marrying this man. I ignored my father and went ahead to get married to him legally at the registry. I got someone to represent my parents. At 35, I didn’t really need their consent to marry. Immediately after the marriage ceremony, I noticed some strange things about him. First, he didn’t approve of sharing the same room. He insisted on me keeping my room; his excuse, I would cramp his style. Another thing is the frequency with which he goes out at night for one business appointment or the other. When he has to go for these kinds of assignments, he stays completely away from me; wouldn’t even allow me cook his food let alone touch him. I was curious but something about his attitude and behaviour made me less suspicious. However, he recently took ill; as a matter of fact, he collapsed and I had to rush him to the hospital. Since he was unconscious, and the doctor needed money, I took the key to his room to find out if he had money. What I saw was beyond me. Right inside his wardrobe, I saw a calabash with fetish ornaments and a padlock inside it. Further search revealed different kinds of guns with red cloths and cowries tied to them. Also in his room, I found a bag containing a lot of money. I didn’t bother to take the money or anything from the room. I immediately left the room, took the key back to the hospital. I had to look for money elsewhere. Fortunately, he woke up shortly after I got to the hospital and demanded that he should be taken away from the hospital. He called two of his closest friends, who according to him, would take him to their church for prayers. As always, he told me not to bother; that I should stay behind to look after our twin sons. He is better now, but I am now very scared of him. There is no doubt that my husband is an armed robber. But who do I tell? What can I do? Can I divorce him? I cannot go to the Police because I happen to know he is highly connected in the Police Force. I am so confused. He is beginning to question me about my behaviour as I seldom allow him come near me and the children. Twice he has asked me if I entered his room while he was unconscious, I lied about not having the key to his room, hence the question of me entering the room doesn’t even arise. Please, Agatha, I respect you so much. What can I do without incurring his wrath and putting the lives of my entire family members at risk? This guy is mean and capable of hurting me and my family members. Worried Wife. Dear Worried Wife, First things first, you need the wisdom of God to untangle yourself from this whole mess. Pray and be very calm else you risk making another huge mistake. While you calculate your options, continue to behave as if nothing is wrong. Criminals are the most intelligent people around. He must have guessed from your attitude towards him that you have unveiled his secrets and only bidding time to expose him. But because you are his wife, the mother of his sons in addition to lack of evidence to nail you, he is keeping calm but also watching you closely. He may also have recruited one or two persons to trail your movement which makes any stupid move on your part very dangerous. What simply has changed is that you now have evidence of his profession; beyond that he remains your husband; the same person you have slept, romanced, ate and played with. You must continue to function in all these roles until such a time that you can take your leave of him. To deny him these rights is to further fuel his suspicion. Besides, if you are truthful to yourself, you knew from your account that something was not right about the man you married the moment he denied you free access into his room. When a man ignores your food at a certain time, doesn’t allow you near him also at that particular time, shouldn’t that have alerted you to something sinister about him? Shouldn’t you have known that it was not a normal behaviour for a man to refuse food and sex simply because he has a business assignment? Didn’t you wonder or ask what kind of business assignment would prevent a man from sleeping with his wife or eating her food? And when these kinds of assignments became a regular feature with him, did you for once demand to know or find out what nature of business he was into? The issue here is long past regrets. You cannot turn back the hands of the clock; meaning you have to continue to endure this situation. The less you talk about it, the better for you. Mop up as much money as you can from him. Give yourself a target to leave him. To stay more than necessary is to endanger your life and those of your children. Be careful, this is not the time for you to play smart. With this money, you can buy your freedom from the bondage your greed and disobedience of your father’s warning put you into. This is because in the eyes of law, you are his wife; you could easily be accused of trying to blackmail him by the same people within the Police who have been protecting him. The so-called guns could easily be removed from the house, leaving you without evidence to back up your claims. Be reminded that there is no law in this country that prohibits keeping of charms in the house. He could easily claim the pot of charm you saw is for protection, including yours as well. You will only look stupid at the end of the day. The only thing you would have achieved by this is to further put yourself in a more deadly position. Therefore perish this thought. Divorce is not also an option. On what grounds would you be divorcing him? Instead of considering this option, why not instead become more loving to distract him? Your chances of escaping with the children will only be enhanced if he lets down his guard around you. To take him off your trail, tell him you have been worried about his health hence your seeming withdrawal from him. Make your move only when sure he has eased up. Make sure you don’t stay in this country. Go as far away from him as possible. But if you are in Lagos, please come to our head office so you and I can talk. There are certain things I cannot say here. But in the meantime, continue to pray for him, you and the children. Your family really needs the intervention of God to make right all that is wrong in your home. Good luck.

With Agatha Edo Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com , gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com,08054500626 Dear Agatha, I am a young girl of 17. I stay with my younger sister and brother and our stepmother, who is very cruel to us. My father is never ever around because he works with an oil firm. As far as my father is concerned, he provides us with more than enough. The few days to his arrival at home, my stepmother is the picture of an angel. Telling him all that she puts me through would amount to destroying the house. I simply don’t have the kind of heart to do that to him. Once my father is away, my stepmother does all kinds of things, including bringing her man-friend into the house. Severally, she has hit me for daring to challenge her and has vowed to make life very uncomfortable for us if we dare tell our father what goes on behind him. From her utterances, she doesn’t like our father even though he loves her. Her only interest in our father is the money she gets. She is yet to have a child by him. About three months ago, she brought her boyfriend to stay with us. She is 27. She told our father that the young man is her cousin and even got her younger brother to testify to her lie. About three weeks ago, whenever she is not around, he tries to touch me. I have done my best to keep him off me; even threatened to tell my father. But I am worried that if he is unable to force himself on me, he could harm my younger sister. My brother and I have decided to tell our father’s brother, who is very caring and comes round to see us, about what is really happening. We thought he would be in the best position to tell our father about it, but we were confused on how to introduce the topic to our uncle. Our mother died six years ago. Rolade. Dear Rolade, The earlier you tell your uncle, the best for you all. The longer you and your siblings delay in telling either your father or your uncle about what is going on in your home, the greater the danger of your being abused sexually. Your father will blame you for not saying anything while all these were going on. Don’t stop at telling your uncle about the sexual threat you are facing, let him know that this boy isn’t in anyway related to your stepmother; that he is actually her boyfriend and not the brother she parades him as. Insist, you and your siblings no longer feel safe staying with your stepmother who is quite capable of harming you all if she thinks she is losing out on your father’s love. In the interim, until your father makes up his mind on what to do about his wife, you and your siblings would like to stay with your uncle or move into a boarding school. At least, it will put a distance between you and your stepmother as well as her boyfriend. Frankly, keeping quiet about everything happening behind your father is like giving your stepmother the support to cheat on your father and kill him when she makes up her mind on how to get his property. Being the eldest of your siblings, your younger ones are looking up to you to do the right thing for them. Whether you realise it or not, you are not only failing your father but your siblings as well who would definitely be most affected if anything happens to your father. They will never forgive you for being such a weak sister if your stepmother succeeds in eliminating your father. Your stepmother has the boldness to do as she likes because she knows you are too weak to challenge her or say anything to your father. Your age not withstanding, she wouldn’t have dared if she knew you to be a no-nonsense young lady. Whose interest are you really serving by keeping quiet: Your father’s, your stepmother’s or yours? Telling your father about the nature of this woman he calls wife is the only way you can help him come to a realisation of what is more important to him in life. And if that means ending his marriage to this woman, so be it. Have you considered the damage to you or your sister if her boyfriend succeeds in raping you? Nothing in your life or home will ever be the same. It is best for your father to experience another disappointment in his relationship than to have any of you, his children humiliated. Informing him directly or through your uncle is the only way he can offer you the protection you all deserve at your tender ages. Life isn’t structured by God to be sweet always. It is a mixture of bitterness and sweetness; this is a fact your father knows. Whatever disappointment you are protecting him from, would heal with time. He doesn’t need you to play mother hen to him; what he wants is for you to be his daughter, ask for his protection and love. Call that uncle of yours immediately. And please, do call me. If you want me to help inform your uncle and father, I will gladly do it. Good luck.

I’m married to an armed robber

With Agatha Edo Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com , gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com,08054500626 Dear Agatha, I am in big trouble; one I am not sure how I and my twin sons will ever get out of. Five years ago, out of desperation and greed, I married a man my father disliked and described as a man of questionable character. I ignored my parents and proceeded to get pregnant for him. He was swimming in money so I really didn’t care about what my parents, my father in particular, said. Even when I announced my pregnancy to my father as reasons for him to allow me get married, he refused. He told me he would allow me put to bed in his house; that it was a minor sacrifice to pay than me marrying this man. I ignored my father and went ahead to get married to him legally at the registry. I got someone to represent my parents. At 35, I didn’t really need their consent to marry. Immediately after the marriage ceremony, I noticed some strange things about him. First, he didn’t approve of sharing the same room. He insisted on me keeping my room; his excuse, I would cramp his style. Another thing is the frequency with which he goes out at night for one business appointment or the other. When he has to go for these kinds of assignments, he stays completely away from me; wouldn’t even allow me cook his food let alone touch him. I was curious but something about his attitude and behaviour made me less suspicious. However, he recently took ill; as a matter of fact, he collapsed and I had to rush him to the hospital. Since he was unconscious, and the doctor needed money, I took the key to his room to find out if he had money. What I saw was beyond me. Right inside his wardrobe, I saw a calabash with fetish ornaments and a padlock inside it. Further search revealed different kinds of guns with red cloths and cowries tied to them. Also in his room, I found a bag containing a lot of money. I didn’t bother to take the money or anything from the room. I immediately left the room, took the key back to the hospital. I had to look for money elsewhere. Fortunately, he woke up shortly after I got to the hospital and demanded that he should be taken away from the hospital. He called two of his closest friends, who according to him, would take him to their church for prayers. As always, he told me not to bother; that I should stay behind to look after our twin sons. He is better now, but I am now very scared of him. There is no doubt that my husband is an armed robber. But who do I tell? What can I do? Can I divorce him? I cannot go to the Police because I happen to know he is highly connected in the Police Force. I am so confused. He is beginning to question me about my behaviour as I seldom allow him come near me and the children. Twice he has asked me if I entered his room while he was unconscious, I lied about not having the key to his room, hence the question of me entering the room doesn’t even arise. Please, Agatha, I respect you so much. What can I do without incurring his wrath and putting the lives of my entire family members at risk? This guy is mean and capable of hurting me and my family members. Worried Wife. Dear Worried Wife, First things first, you need the wisdom of God to untangle yourself from this whole mess. Pray and be very calm else you risk making another huge mistake. While you calculate your options, continue to behave as if nothing is wrong. Criminals are the most intelligent people around. He must have guessed from your attitude towards him that you have unveiled his secrets and only bidding time to expose him. But because you are his wife, the mother of his sons in addition to lack of evidence to nail you, he is keeping calm but also watching you closely. He may also have recruited one or two persons to trail your movement which makes any stupid move on your part very dangerous. What simply has changed is that you now have evidence of his profession; beyond that he remains your husband; the same person you have slept, romanced, ate and played with. You must continue to function in all these roles until such a time that you can take your leave of him. To deny him these rights is to further fuel his suspicion. Besides, if you are truthful to yourself, you knew from your account that something was not right about the man you married the moment he denied you free access into his room. When a man ignores your food at a certain time, doesn’t allow you near him also at that particular time, shouldn’t that have alerted you to something sinister about him? Shouldn’t you have known that it was not a normal behaviour for a man to refuse food and sex simply because he has a business assignment? Didn’t you wonder or ask what kind of business assignment would prevent a man from sleeping with his wife or eating her food? And when these kinds of assignments became a regular feature with him, did you for once demand to know or find out what nature of business he was into? The issue here is long past regrets. You cannot turn back the hands of the clock; meaning you have to continue to endure this situation. The less you talk about it, the better for you. Mop up as much money as you can from him. Give yourself a target to leave him. To stay more than necessary is to endanger your life and those of your children. Be careful, this is not the time for you to play smart. With this money, you can buy your freedom from the bondage your greed and disobedience of your father’s warning put you into. This is because in the eyes of law, you are his wife; you could easily be accused of trying to blackmail him by the same people within the Police who have been protecting him. The so-called guns could easily be removed from the house, leaving you without evidence to back up your claims. Be reminded that there is no law in this country that prohibits keeping of charms in the house. He could easily claim the pot of charm you saw is for protection, including yours as well. You will only look stupid at the end of the day. The only thing you would have achieved by this is to further put yourself in a more deadly position. Therefore perish this thought. Divorce is not also an option. On what grounds would you be divorcing him? Instead of considering this option, why not instead become more loving to distract him? Your chances of escaping with the children will only be enhanced if he lets down his guard around you. To take him off your trail, tell him you have been worried about his health hence your seeming withdrawal from him. Make your move only when sure he has eased up. Make sure you don’t stay in this country. Go as far away from him as possible. But if you are in Lagos, please come to our head office so you and I can talk. There are certain things I cannot say here. But in the meantime, continue to pray for him, you and the children. Your family really needs the intervention of God to make right all that is wrong in your home. Good luck.

His ex threatens hell if he dates me…

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I am in love with a man whom I think doesn’t feel the same way about me. He rarely calls, always claiming to be busy. I just found out that he is still dating his former girlfriend because she threatened to deal with him if he thinks of leaving her. The lady is connected in his college. He is in his final year in medical school. He says I should tolerate the situation until he graduates when he will be able to cut the bond between him and this lady. I am contemplating on forcing him to choose between the two of us because he can’t eat and still have his cake. What do you think? I am 21. He is all I want in a man; I do really love him but I want to be careful so it doesn’t appear as if I am selling myself cheap to him. Worried Girl. Dear Worried Girl, What kind of influence does this lady have over him? Why should the fact that she is well connected and in a position to spoil things for him bother him? Not unless the information she has about him is capable of damaging his entire dream of becoming a medical doctor. If this is the case, even if he graduates from the college of medicine, this woman has the advantage of using her information to destroy him either now or in the future. The implication is; unless she is tired of him, ready to move on with another man, your boyfriend will never be free to have a life of his own. This is why you should be curious to know why he feels incapable to move on with you now. He has to take you into confidence, tell you the choices before you if you elect to endure the situation with the other woman. Make him understand that enduring the situation isn’t the big challenge for you but you knowing why you are doing it. In addition, the power the other woman seems to hold over him must be very strong for him to go back to her after approaching you for a relationship. Refusing to discuss or acknowledge it will definitely affect the quality of your relationship in the future. He simply has to learn to trust you with the nature of their relationship. As for you staying, the decision is yours to make. It is your life and your dream. While some relationships are worth fighting for, others are simply not worth it. Our experiences in life incubate patience as well as our maturity in handling of certain personal matter. At 21, what kind of experiences do you have to play second fiddle to another woman in the attention of your man? What makes you think, he has the kinds of qualities you need in a man to be happy? Have you the maturity to look past his appearance to his nature as a man? Good looks alone don’t paint a relationship with the colours of success. It takes more than the kinds of qualities you think he has to give a woman the drive to make a relationship work. One thing is non-negotiable - respect. No matter where a man is, who is with, he must at all times revere the woman in his life. If at this early stage in your relationship, he doesn’t feel the excitement to call, know how you are faring, what would happen when your relationship has developed into a pattern? This is one sign for the woman with a discerning mind to ponder on. A woman’s best days are wrapped in her relationships, when men court her attention and interest. If you are the one running around the clock to attract his attention, then you might want to consider what this relationship would feel some years down the road. No matter how busy a man gets, the thought of his new relationship overshadows everything. The fact that he gives the excuse of being busy not to call you means you are not exactly the prime person on his scale of preference. That means there is another person in his life, who occupies that important place. You therefore have the option of staying and enduring whatever you get from him or leaving him to find happiness somewhere else. Relationship is about joint ideas or dreams. He may be your ideal man, but he has to be convinced that you are his ideal lady too. That is the only time you can enjoy this relationship. Whatever you are doing now without this man sure that you are worth the risk or sacrifice, you may not get the best of him and this relationship. Like I said, the choice is ultimately yours to stay or not. Good luck.