Six weeks after the altar another lady is carrying my baby…

With Auntie Agatha,gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, Please help me out of this mess my foolishness on my bachelor’s eve earned me. You know how it is with men. My friends in the spirit of the day organised a party for me. As it is the custom at such farewell party I was given a girl to sleep with that night. It was meant to be my send off gift to the bachelorhood. Unfortunately, less than six weeks into my marriage, the lady came back and was in my office last week to announce she is pregnant. I can’t deny her because something tells me she is telling the truth. Besides, I made the costly mistake of not wearing any protection that night, and even dismissed her warnings that she was safe. My state of mind that night wouldn’t have permitted anything else. I just had to sleep with the lady. In the first place apart from being the prettiest woman there that night, I was tipsy. I simply wasn’t thinking straight that night. Since telling me her news, I have not been myself. Especially as she insisted she wasn’t ready to abort the pregnancy. Being her first, since she started the business of having sex, you can imagine the kinds of sentiments she has deployed into this pregnancy. According to her, she isn’t sure of being able to get pregnant again. There is nothing my friends have not done to influence her to get rid of the pregnancy, but she insists on keeping it, declaring that she really doesn’t need me to provide for her and the child. According to her, she simply wanted me to know I have a child somewhere, nothing more. Frankly, those who know her all agree that she isn’t the kind of woman that sleeps around or looking for a man to tie down. But what do I tell my wife? How do I explain to her that another woman is pregnant for me six weeks into our marriage life? Since we started dating three years ago, she has never been pregnant. It was even one of the reasons I caved in to her pressures to get married when we did. She was afraid I might end up not marrying her after all she did for me. She used her parents’ money to set me up as a man. The least I could do was to marry her since the doctors we went to in Nigeria and England certified us medically fit to have children. I am fearful of her temper. She is capable of doing anything out of anger or sheer jealousy. If she discovers I got another woman pregnant, she will not only kill me but won’t spare the woman also. She is that terrible when provoked. When I told my sister, she said I should plead with the one carrying my baby for help in concealing the identity of the father of her child, but my elder brother insists I inform my wife about it. His argument is that it can be better managed now than if my wife gets to find out later. Both of them agree that this child is a gift from God, which I shouldn’t reject. How do I handle this situation without ruining my home? Gbade. Dear Gbade, Granted every child is a gift from God, but it was very silly of you to have gambled with your future – marriage, dreams and everything that has to do with your person, to sleep with a stranger without any form of protection. What if she gave you an incurable disease, the kind that would cut short your lifespan? What would you be telling your wife, your story and excuse for infecting her with such a disease? Adulthood is about being responsible, considering first how our actions would affect those close to us before taking a decision. No matter how drunk you were you knew the risk of sleeping with a woman without taking precaution as well as the risk that comes with it on your marriage. How will you feel if the prove of your wife’s infidelity is presented before you as you are about to do to her? One thing is to be unfaithful another is for her to have physical evidence of your unfaithfulness. Sincerely you are about to present to her a very bitter pill, one that will be difficult for you to explain as an accident given the challenges you are both having as a couple. There is no way she won’t think you planned it, as a fall back option in case she is unable to give you a child. And the more you delay in telling her, the more difficult it becomes to explain things to her. Besides, you are risking someone else telling her before you. The moments she gets to know from a secondary source, you will never be able to convince her that you didn’t mean to keep the information from her. Not only would it destroy the trust between you forever, it will also make her hate the child more than she would ordinarily have. In addition the guilt of keeping such a big secret from her will never give you the absolute freedom to be the kind of husband you ought to be. Besides, problems are best resolved when still fresh. By telling her now, you are giving your marriage and wife ample time to heal and recover from this shock. Also, it will help make up her mind early on how to relate with the child. By giving her the right to decide on whether the child should stay with the mother or have the child stay with you will further convince her that you are not out to use this child to humiliate her. Even if she is unable to bear you a child, assure her that this child and the mother will never push her out of your life. However, before telling her, go to her parents to inform them about it. Don’t attempt to hold anything back from them, give them all the details that led to you getting this lady pregnant. The reason for this is to manage the opposition from her friends to your marriage. Once you are able to explain to them yourself, settle whatever disappointment they would naturally feel at this development. By the time she comes to them with the story of your unfaithfulness to her, they won’t fuel the crisis by giving her support to end the marriage, rather they will find ways of encouraging her to stay and make the marriage work. You also need the help and support of her close friends. Involving all these people is to ensure that your young marriage survives this. Often, friends influence one’s reactions and decisions. If she isn’t getting the kind of support and condemnation she expects from her family and friends, she will be forced to discuss all the other options to this issue with you. Also, it will tell her how much you want this marriage and the fact that she doesn’t have a monopoly of this kind of challenge in her marriage. One thing you must also never do is to exclude her from whatever is happening to the child and mother. To achieve this, put her in charge of communicating with the woman and the baby. Whatever the mother of your child wants or has to tell you should be channelled through her at least for the time being. The essence of involving her is to give your marriage the chance to survive and you, the time to build your emotional invulnerability to this woman. Having made a costly mistake before, you must do everything to guard against you making another one. Seeing her pregnant with your child may soften you enough to continue what you unwittingly started on your bachelor’s eve. Therefore, it is best you remove yourself from temptation way. Also, putting your wife in charge of the welfare of the child at this very early state will not only achieve the aim of communicating your lack of interest in the mother, but also give you the opportunity to access how well your wife has adjusted to the presence of this child. Her attitude will help you determine what kind of provision to make for the child in future. But a word of caution, if your wife is unwilling to take on the responsibility, please don’t force or get angry with her. This kind of news takes time for any woman to assimilate or tackle. It is a sore that will take forever to heal, so endure, understand any attitude she puts up. Remember, you called for it. Only the grace of God can make the difference in your marriage. Good luck.