I’m confused over my fiancee’s commitment

With Agatha Edo,Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com,08054500626 Dear Agatha, My husband wanted a big wedding ceremony but I declined, insisting on a low key wedding because of the way things were for us. He needed money for other things. On the fourth of February, he paid my bride price at a ceremony that was devoid of the kind of extravaganza he wanted. He said we would have a big wedding after his elections. He has spent so much money preparing for the local government election which nobody is sure will still hold in our state, Abia. Although he asked me to be ready for the white wedding, I have refused and given him the option to either quit the relationship and give me the freedom to get married to another man or he continues with the marriage rites. Though he said he will continue but I need to be sure I have done the right thing. I took this action because men can be very unpredictable and dangerous. If I don’t insist on him completing everything that has to do with our marriage, he may end up breaking my heart by getting married to another lady, and throw away our four years courtship. He happens to be my first love. Although we love each other, a lot of things can go wrong between now and when we decide to marry. Agatha, am I wrong? After our traditional marriage rites, I have refused to live in his house because we plan to wed before we start living together but he has now changed his mind; he wants me to move in so that we can plan our wedding together. Being the first daughter of the family and the first to wed, I don’t have the experience of planning a wedding. Also despite my desire to wed as soon as possible, I need to save some money to help my parents out with the wedding arrangements. Please Agatha, I am totally confused over everything. Just tell me whatever it is I am doing wrong. I also need advice on how to proceed in the wedding preparation. Ngozi. Dear Ngozi, Under the traditional laws of our land, you are married since your bride price has been paid. There is nothing stopping you from moving in with him as his wife. In our custom, the traditional marriage is the most important because it provides an avenue for family members to meet. There is nothing stopping you from moving in with your husband. What exactly are you expecting to go wrong? As a matter of fact, your refusal to come and stay with him after paying your wedding price is creating the very room for something to go wrong. Honestly, you need to bury this garment of suspicions else you will end up creating a complex situation of you suspecting any woman he comes in contact with. Being a politician, you must give him the freedom to associate and interact with both men and women. It is his lot as a politician to be in company of women and men even at odd hours of the night. And as your husband, you must learn to begin to grow a certain measure of trust in his person and words. Without this, you marriage has very little chance of survival. Both of you must make a deliberate effort to inject this into your relationship without which he would constantly explain his relationship with other women to you. From my observations, you really need to have an open mind about this. It is important you ponder on your ability to cope. If you are the very suspicious type, you may not have the maturity and presence of mind to encourage him to the height of his political passion. Deep down ask yourself this question; can you cope with the flocks of women that will always flock around him? One thing is to want to wed, another thing is to be in love and have the desire to give it your all. Do you have the strength of mind to give this man every inch of your mind, body and soul? Do you have what it takes to make him succeed in his choice of career? From your account, both of you need to learn more about each other to be happy together. For instance, you both need to sit down to discuss about yourselves. It is obvious that you both don’t appear to like the same things. For instance, he wants a big wedding ceremony while you appear not to mind. Unless you both sit to harmonise this aspect of your marriage, it will continue to be an issue which if not handled with tact may tug your relationship and marriage at opposing ends. As the woman of the house, you must develop the wisdom to engage your man in meaningful dialogue that will wean him off his penchant towards showiness. If you are really desperate to wed soonest and desirous of helping him manage his finances, bow to his wishes that you move in with him. This way, you will get to plan a wedding that is not as ostentatious as he wants but also good enough to please him. This way, you will be able to save both of you some money to invest in a business or anything that will bring in extra money. In marriage, it isn’t every time a woman argues her points. Most times, practical steps will win the day. By taking full charge of the wedding ceremony, you are able to control its expenses; do away with things you know aren’t very important to you, concentrate on the areas that need attention and cut down on excess demands for money by people who want to use the occasion to cheat him. This is why you are his wife; his soul mate as well as his confidant. Besides, it will further bind both of you as well as energise the needed trust in your union. You are confused because you don’t have a focus for yourself beyond wanting to wed. Once you shift your focus from wedding ceremony to the quality of your feelings for this man; the nature of your relationship, the focus of your marriage and the kind of home you want, what you should do at this point would become clearer. Marriage isn’t about what you want or he wants for that matter; rather, it works well when both of you are willing to accommodate each other’s opinion as well as accord respect for the feelings of the other person. As it is now, both of you, if not careful, will create a huge misunderstanding for yourselves regarding the dimension you each want your wedding ceremony to be. There will be less confusion if you are both prepared to take the path of compromise. Above all, subject your desires to the will of God. Good luck.