I’m afraid she won’t love my son?

Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I am desperate for a solution to my problem, which started 13 years ago. I had an affair with my friend’s younger sister in a moment of weakness. She has always been the wild type and that night, I came home tired. Her brother and I shared a flat. Till date, I don’t know how it all started but the fact remains that she and I ended up in bed that night. By morning, it was too late to change the hands of the clock. So I did the gentleman thing of telling my friend all about it and asking him to support my desire to marry her even though I was nothing near my goal in life. Knowing how wild his sister is he tried to discourage me from doing it but changed his mind when she came back a month later to announce her pregnancy. Unknown to me, she had always boasted to her family and friends that whether I liked it or not, she would end up having me all to herself. I, on the other hand, had always prided myself as principled. My friend, her brother, who knew all about her scheming wasn’t comfortable with the whole set up and kept telling me that if I changed my mind about marrying his sister that I could always count on his support. Since the flat was originally mine, my friend moved out to give us privacy. Being my friend’s sister, my family didn’t object too much. I was forced against my will to accept employment from my father’s company to enable me settle into the marriage. My elder sister whom I told of how it all happened and about my lack of love for her, counselled me to endure the few years that after a while, I would come to see her as a friend if nothing else. I ignored all her attitudes during her pregnancy ascribing them to her condition. She refused to cook my meals. All she did was to give commands to the house-help. Severally, her brother dragged the mother to come and talk sense into her head but she told them to mind their business. Her mother kept pleading with me for understanding and being naturally a patient person; it wasn’t difficult for me to endure. However, the birth of my son gave me something to be happy about. He was so cute and adorable. He made me forget my lukewarm feelings toward the mother. At that moment I was ready to love her unconditionally as well as do everything to make the marriage work. Unfortunately, she abandoned the child and me after six months on the excuse that motherhood and matrimony was inhibiting her freedom and choice to live her life the way she liked. No member of her family knew her whereabouts. Her mother offered to look after the child but my mother insisted on taking the child with her to California. My son is now 13 years of age. After that incident, I refused to have anything with a woman for a long time until I met my current girlfriend three years ago. At first, I didn’t tell her about my son since I wasn’t too sure of a future between us. I however made up my mind to marry her about three months ago. So I told her about my son. I was prepared for anger but not to the extent of telling me she wouldn’t want to live with my son under the same roof. But she is now back begging me to forgive her that she was now prepared to accept my son and me unconditionally. To be frank, I am very skeptical about all this. I don’t want to expose my son to a situation that might not augur well for his development. Neither do I want to open my heart to another woman capable of hurting me later in life. Please help me. I am 39 years old. Henry. Dear Henry, In a way, you are to blame for her reactions. Why did you wait until three years after your meeting to inform her about something so fundamental and which also involves her person? Frankly, your excuse is baseless. How would telling her have affected your decision to marry her or not? If she reacted violently, it is only for the reason that she didn’t know the man she has been dating for three years well enough. At that point, you came across to her as a complete stranger, somebody she was just seeing for the first time. In her shoes, what would have been your reactions? That a woman you have been with for three years, keeps such important information away from you! You didn’t have this child the day you told her. The child has been in your life for 13 years, long before you met her. So you can’t say, you didn’t remember to inform her about him all these while you were having and fine-tuning the relationship. Telling her just three months ago, is presenting her with little choice because she has invested time to get to the point of you finding her worthy of asking her to be your wife. If you didn’t tell her about your son, my guess is you also never mentioned the fact that you were once married to another woman. So not only is she faced with the reality of a stepchild but that of an ex-wife. These are things you should have told her long ago, besides you just don’t inform a person you are about to marry about things like that. You discuss such an issue inside out with the person. This is because both parties would have to work together to arrive at a compromise situation to make things easy for you. What you have done is to tell this woman that you don’t trust her as well as put to question your declaration of love for her. How do you expect her to be a mother to a child she doesn’t even know exist? What time does she have to get to know him not to talk of learning to love him the way the child deserves to be loved by the woman who would be mother to him? To be candid, you are the problem here. If she becomes a difficult stepmother, it is only because you laid the foundation for her to be suspicious of your intentions and placement of your son over her. Only few women wouldn’t react the way she did or not think your attitude has to do with the quality of love you have for her. Sincerely, you owe her an apology for not preparing her for the task of being a stepmother of a 13-year-old child. She said those things because she was hurt beyond measure. There is no way you expect her to applaud what you did or automatically welcome the idea of this boy staying with you especially if she didn’t know anything about your previous marriage to another woman or that the child is living with your mother outside the country. More than you, she is the one who needs all the assurances that you are for real and that you don’t have any more dangerous secrets you are keeping away from her. Even though she came back of her own free will, to earn her trust and get the best from her, you must explain everything about your previous marriage to her. She is entitled to every detail of what transpired between you and your ex. She needs to arm herself with this information to enable her defend or understand your reasons for certain decisions you may take. Because you have a past she isn’t a part of and which she doesn’t have, you have to trust her for herself as well as offer the platform to trust you sufficiently to place her life in your care. Irrespective of whether you were the injured one or not; the fact that you have a record of a broken marriage behind you doesn’t exactly make you her best choice considering the headache and stress an ex-wife with a child/children represent for the new woman. If she is therefore willing to take her chances with you, the best you can do is learn to trust her reason. Secondly, guessing an action she has not even taken could cost you this relationship. Another thing you should avoid is to bury your disappointed with your first wife. Don’t allow the memories of how she treated you and her son continue to affect your chances of happiness with another woman. You have to learn to live and love again else you subconsciously give her the freedom to continue to rule your life and hurt you all over again. Make the effort to create an opportunity for your son and his future mother to meet. If you haven’t told your son about her, please make out the time to. Ensure he understands your reason to have a woman in your life. Be patient to listen to his questions, because they will mirror his fears as well as hope. Don’t make promises you know may be impossible. Don’t also try to be the image-maker of your woman. Allow both of them meet and fall in love with each other naturally. Both of them have to find their cadence together as mother and child. Step aside for them to make the necessary mistakes as well as the required adjustment to move forward. They each have to learn to respect the place and feelings of the other because she would produce your son’s other siblings. Believe me, if you handle this situation with maturity and wisdom it requires, you will have less to worry about. Above all learn to pray yourself into success always. Good luck.