Age is telling on my sex life…

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I will be 49 years old next month. I last saw my period six months ago. Before it stopped, my periods were so heavy; nothing was holding me longer than an hour. I was changing practically every 30 minutes. It was so bad, my husband had to take me to see the doctor, who said it was very normal with some women. Immediately after that I began to feel my womb popping. I was so scared that I had to rush off again to see the doctor. After examination, he said nothing was wrong that my reproductive system was simply shutting down. I didn’t like the word, shutting down because it meant as a woman I was no longer useful. I also started having hot flushes and losing weight. Initially I was happy because it meant looking trim and more fashionable. But in recent times, I have noticed the appearance of more wrinkles on my face, especially around my neck, mouth and eyes areas. But all these are not as worrisome as the impact of this phase on my sex life. I have become so dry, that making love is very painful. My husband and I have tried using Vaseline (a brand of petroleum jelly) to make it smoother for me but it ends up hurting me badly. And he isn’t finding all these funny. Severally, I have heard him grumbling, but when he senses I am watching him, he would pretend it is okay, a natural phase. As a result, I hate making love and the result is the challenge I now have. My husband, who is quite adventurous, has already started having an affair. I know because I have seen him with this lady about twice. I don’t want to lose him because this is the time I need my marriage the most. I have asked several friends on how they have been able to cope, gloss over it. All my friends pretend they don’t have any problem with it or haven’t hit the menopause mark. I really don’t know whom to turn to for help. Even my mother I tried to get help from terrified me the more. She actually told me it was a taboo for a woman who has reached menopause to have sex with her man again. She said I should turn a blind eye to whatever my husband was doing with another woman. That I should be contented with caring for him and the children. I have tried to read about menopause in the media, but it seems nobody wants to discuss it. I am really getting very frustrated because apart from my doctor who keeps assuring me that I will be fine, all I get are blank stare from friends and relatives. I want my husband back, but how do I make him come back when each time he comes near me, I become frigid. Worried Woman. Dear Worried Woman, There is nothing to be worried about or ashamed of. It is a phase of life every woman is expected to pass through. There is no escaping from it. Like the menstrual years, it comes with some discomfort, but these are things that can be managed. Menopause means the loss of estrogen, which more often than not leads to changes in a woman’s sexual drive and functioning. The reason for this is that with loss of estrogen, blood supply to the vaginal is reduced which affects vaginal lubrication. This naturally causes the area to be very dry making sex painful like the kind you are currently experiencing. Unfortunately, lower estrogen is not the only reason behind depreciating sexual performance in some middle-aged women. Other factors include, bladder control problems, some women experience increased bladder movement, sleep disturbances, stress, depression like you are experiencing. The more worried you are, the more complex the situation becomes. You have to let go of your worries and anxiety to improve your condition. Even if your husband decides to date all the women around him, learn to look the other way if you really want him back in your life. Although there are no guarantees for treating women with menopausal sexual challenges, estrogen replacement is an option; it makes intercourse less painful as it helps retain moisture in the vaginal area. Discuss with your gynecologist. Frankly, this isn’t time for you to be shy to converse with your doctor. For now, your doctor should be your best friend. Let him refer you to those trained to deal with middle-aged woman going through menopausal crisis. In the meantime, vaginal dryness can be treated with water-soluble lubricants like astroglide or K-Y Jelly. The use of Vaseline, a non-water soluble in addition to weakening the materials used in the manufacture of condom also encourage the growth of bacteria in the vaginal area. Using water-based lubricants will definitely help you maintain moisture, long enough for you and your husband to have a normal love life. Also you will need the help and support of your husband to scale this hurdle. You definitely need more foreplay and attention than before. To get your husband to help you, you must first accept the fact that certain things have to change from the way you have done them in the past. Your hitting the menopausal age hits him more like thunderbolt that he is already deep into his middle age. More than women, this knowledge affects men more and is enough to make some men panic sufficiently to want to test their virility with younger women. This is the time men get more vain; they are more afraid of losing their vibrancy than women. Therefore, you have to be very patient to bring him back home to you. Having lived with you till this moment, the chance of dumping you for a younger woman is slim. No man at this age wants to start nappies and crying babies. Like you, he is looking forward to being a grandfather, but it is just that the male ego wants some excitements to assure him that no matter the age of a man he remains productive. What has changed is that you can no longer make babies, but you can still look good, sexy and imaginative. My mother once told me it is called the wisdom years of a woman. In every true sense, you are wiser now, more mature and able to handle just about any challenge thrown at you. Besides, this phase takes away your monthly worries of applying caution. No matter how many times you do it now, there is no getting pregnant. It is one worry off your shoulders. The result is a more relaxed and matured approach to the whole concept of lovemaking. Nothing you do or say anymore is forbidden or seen as strange. Therefore to get him back, you must dig deep into your bag of experience and fantasies. He can no longer ask you questions about how you came about the knowledge. When he is at home, nothing stops both of you from watching an adult film. It would help relax you sufficiently for both of you to enjoy intimacy. Sometimes, visuals have a way of making it happen for the woman who lacks initiative of her own. Adult books too also give wonderful ideas to help the middle aged woman keep afloat. It will also help educate you on the positions that will help reduce the discomfort of deep penetration. For the sake of both of you, it is essential you control the depth of penetration. You also have to keep working on your appearance. That you are in your menopausal years shouldn’t stop you from looking good. Like an old wine, experienced women can actually look better than younger women. The trick is to carve your own fashion statement. Look for cuts that flatter without making you appear to be struggling to stay young. It is a simple matter of learning to wear your age like underwear. If you feel comfortable in pant trousers, look for the matured cut; compliment with blouses that cover up the body but are very feminine. Ensure when he is at home, he finds a friend in you; one who has the ability to help him grow, recover from whatever kind of stress he is going through. Make attempts to bring back those wonderful and early years, reminiscences over the early years when the children started coming and what you hope to do later. At every point, make it interesting, something to look forward to. Since all the children are now grow up, take your husband on a holiday. The magic is to learn how to fall in love again. With it comes a sense of excitement, the kind that gives sex a new meaning and helps you relax. Age is an attitude. Be determined that this isn’t the end of your life. Good luck.