My husband is a womaniser

With Agatha Edo,Email:womaneditor@independentngonline.com,gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel:08054500626 Dear Agatha, My husband is a chronic womaniser. There is nothing I haven’t done to make him change. He is always going in and out of relationships. I knew when we were dating that he was incapable of being faithful to a woman but I thought all that would change once we got married. I also didn’t think he would degenerate to this level. It seems as he ages, his line of women increase to tally with his age. These days, they call him even at home; not minding that he would be with his family at that time of the day. He is going to be 51 while I shall be 50, this year. His thirst for women hasn’t depreciated one bit. I actually met him when I was almost giving up any hope of being married, at almost 40 years of age. Our first born is just 10 years of age while the second one is nine. I don’t know if I can cope with this anymore. It hasn’t been easy for me at all. But I am just as scared of leaving him because I don’t know how I will cope with two young children without their father. I am fed up trying to keep him away from all the women in his life. Initially I was always fighting them until one of them called me an old woman. Please help me because I don’t know how to cope anymore with my kind of marriage and husband. Although he is attentive to his children and me, ensures we lack nothing, but I want more from him. I want him to myself; I am not getting younger. Is companionship not the reason we marry? At my age, my choices are very limited. Please help me. Wunmi. Dear Wunmi, Every good marriage must go through the mill of patience, endurance, sacrifice, selflessness, stupidity, wisdom and fear of God. For your kind of marriage to work, you must be determined to be loyal to your vows. If you keep focusing on the ways of your husband, the hurt of his disloyalty to you, lack of respect of the many women in his life, your marriage won’t survive this difficult period. There is always a history of pains and foolish patience behind every marriage that has survived to be called successful. Take it from me, successful marriages don’t grow from trees, they come about because the woman at home made up her mind to play, deaf, blind and dumb to the things happening around her. You are very lucky because his attitude didn’t start suddenly. You knew before hand the nature of the man you were getting married to. At least he was honest enough not to pretend about this flaw in his character. Frankly, you gave up your right to complain the moment you agreed to marry him with the unwritten conditions he laid bare for you through his character. By accepting to marry him knowing you will never have him to yourself, will always share him with the numerous women in his life, you should have been better prepared psychologically and spiritually than you obviously are. This isn’t the kind of marriage you go thinking that you will be able to change the man. Sincerely, that was your first mistake. After a certain age, it becomes almost impossible for any person to attempt to change another person. Only God and the determination of your husband to change can achieve the magic. So rather, than fight the women in his life, grumble about your situation, why not go on your knees? Ask God for the reason behind this marriage. Even if you didn’t ask Him in the beginning, considered yourself lucky to have gotten a single man at the age you met him, this is the time to go back to the only one who can make your husband change his ways. God that allowed the marriage to persist till now has a plan. It is this plan you must find and implement for you to be happy at the end of the day. It takes a lot of things to make a marriage work. Remember you are not doing this just for yourself but for him and the children too. You won’t have any excuse if anything happens to him. You are his wife; the one God bequeathed the authority to stand in gap for him. That the women in his life is increasing rather than decreasing since you married him, can only mean that you are not doing enough, or you lack the precise thing needed to make it work. There must be something making him go outside. Go to his family to investigate the origin of this attitude of his. Most of the attitudes we display early in life or later are things we picked up consciously or unconsciously from our parents or relations. Something must have instigated this kind of behaviour. Finding out from his family will give you a clearer and bigger picture of the issue you are dealing with. It will help you focus on where to direct your prayers. And if it is a habit he picked up along the line, it means you have to look into the kinds of friends he has and pray them out of his life. If you don’t employ prayers but depend on your own knowledge or strength to win this war; you will find yourself struggling against the tide. However, you must be strong-minded to stay put in this kind of marriage to succeed. Follow the spiritual with practical steps like ensuring his food, home, person are well taken care of. Make sure the time he spends at home are memorable. You will achieve this by restraining yourself from nagging or letting your worries about his other women show. Since he is responsible enough to provide for you and the children, swim contently in this. Always remember to thank him for whatever he does for you; even if it is his responsibility. Go the extra mile by helping him with his office bag, tie, clothes when either dressing or undressing. There is nothing a humble heart cannot achieve. Go on your knees when serving him. A woman that stoops to conquer is the wisest one at the end of the day. Remember these are the same knees you go on when praying to God. If God answers your prayers when you kneel down to pray, why won’t your husband favour you when you go down before him on those same knees? The truth is, a woman determined to displace you in his home will do this without thinking twice about it. He agreed to marry you and is still staying with you because of something he saw in you. Whatever that is, continue to refine your behaviour until he agrees to leave these women. What most women don’t know is that the little things many women think is unnecessary are the real things that appeal to men. If you develop the habit of joking about his harem, overtime, it will become just that; a joke. By making the most of the time you spend together, you will be helping yourself cope with the kind of situation you have found yourself in this marriage. Like I always say, once a marriage is devoid of physical violence, there is no situation that cannot be managed. Given the wide gap between you and your children, don’t end the marriage. You need his presence to help with the children. Besides given the age you are now, this is the time you need the company of a man most in your life. Good luck.