He’s too wretched to be my man…

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, The man I love with all my heart, who fits into my dream of the perfect man is unfortunately very poor. Since meeting him at my friend’s party, I have found him to be very caring, sensitive, attentive and full of wisdom. He is the kind of man I would love to live the rest of my life with, whose children I would love to have. Unfortunately, he doesn’t have the kind of money that would keep me satisfied and faithful to him. I am too much of my mother’s daughter to be contented with living with a man who lacks money to keep me in the kind of comfort I have become used to. When I tried looking for him recently, I discovered that he lives in a very bad side of Badiya at Ijora. I honestly couldn’t bring myself to step out of my car so sent for him to come outside even though he had called to say he had malaria. I knew he was struggling, despite being a graduate of English Language but didn’t know it was that bad. My current boyfriend on the other hand is mean. Though he gives me money, but he doesn’t have time for me, and whenever I complain he beats me up. I am still with him because he has the kind of money that keeps my mother and family happy. He has the kind of money that maintains the lifestyle my mother and elder sister exposed me to since I was 18. At 28, I cannot manage with a man, don’t even know how. I only date men who have the money, I really don’t care what they look like, how many they are, how they got the money or who they are, provided my bank account is healthy and they are ready to send me to any part of the world. I have never been in love I used to scoff at those friends of mine who talk about love. For the first time, I know what it is to be in love and really respect a man, but he is too poor for me. Even if I want to close my eyes to this fact, I simply cannot present him to my mother. She will never approve of the relationship given what she has put into ensuring she buys our current position in the society. I am so confused. I don’t know if I should go the unfamiliar road of love and poverty or stay on the road my mother has taught me. I am so confused. Korede. Dear Korede, At 28, you are old enough to know what you want from life. Your mother has done her bit. She is living her life the way that pleases her and makes her happy. The issue here is, are you happy with the choice she has made for you? Several years down the road, do you think you will be happy with the kind of choices you have made? I don’t know the kind of choices she has made for you but from the glide of your story, the kind of life she has chosen for you have its repercussion. Just as you have started to notice, men end up not having that kind of respect a woman deserves when they know money is the major interest a woman has in them. The men you have come across in your life, your mother has introduced you to, are aware that without money you will never be interested in them. These men are very aware that money and not them is what you want from them, hence don’t feel compassion when they maltreat you, knowing that the power of money is such you will always come back for more. Men hardly treat a woman who is after their money with respect. As a matter of fact many of them treat such women with contempt and dishonour. They take pride in exhibiting the power of the money they have. If a man you are not married to takes pleasure in beating you, how do you think he would treat you when and if he marries you? To every man that you sleep with now, you are a piece of furniture, hence at liberty to move or treat you anyhow. One way you can help yourself out of this confusion maze is to ask yourself these important questions: are you really happy doing what you do? Don’t you ever wish for a man who will love, treat you with respect, honour your body and mind? Do you see any of these men in your life, the kind your mother approves of asking for your hand in marriage? Do you think if you were the last woman in the world they would ever consider marrying you? Can you tell the world, this man how you and your mother came about your wealth? And what makes you think, he will want you too after knowing how your mother made the money that has brought class and wealth? That your mother is willing to go to the extent she went to make money means what you brand as poverty isn’t a strange word in your family history. You obviously come from a very abject background too. If by crook or foul means, you and your family have become rich, nothing stops this new man in your life from erasing his poverty records. Besides, he doesn’t have to do anything decadent to make it. All he needs is a stroke of good luck, the kind your numerous contacts can provide him to get a good job. This is the reason you must think again about this man. Granted he may be poor, but at least he has dignity unlike you who cannot openly declare your trade or source of family fortune. The truth is if you really care about this man, you will find ways of helping to polish him up. In addition to using your contacts to help find him a job, you can after listening to his idea of improving his future, set him up. There are a countless number of women in your shoes who have helped pulled men they love and want to spend the rest of their lives with out of the kind of situation of your man. The important thing is that you both love each other. This is what you should find out from him. Let him know what you do for a living first and how you are willing to change for him. Also prepare him for the social snub that your mother is and how for now you may not want him to meet her until much later. The reason you must come out of your shadows to unveil yourself is for the truth to prevail, help establish your relationship on the foundation of truth and trust. Since you have never been in love, don’t know how it feels and have been a tool in the manipulative hands of your mother, it is essential your man is aware of your story. It is the only way he can really help you when the blast come from your mother and sister. Without procuring his trust, it would be difficult for you on all fronts because you have become too established in your kind of life to fight your family on your own. The important thing here is that you are in love. Whether it will work or not is not as important as experiencing this side of life. It is what gives hope and warmth. Money is only a means to an end, it isn’t the end, doesn’t procure happiness, and if not properly pursued brings shame instead of prestige. Despite everything that has happened to you, God is bringing this man to teach you an important lesson in life, that love is what makes the world beautiful and happy for us. It gives life beautiful and golden hues that outshine the darkest or difficult sides of life. You won’t know what love is unless you try it. Your mother doesn’t have to know now. Since established and rich men are her flavour, rent a presentable apartment for your man. Begin small. He just may be waiting for a special woman to push him to his glory. By offering encouraging words, you would be helping him in no small way to achieve his purpose on earth. Don’t make the mistake of anchoring your happiness on what your mother wants. You will end up regretting that later in life. The only ingredients you need in this relationship are love and trust. Trust your heart and follow your mind to become happy. At 28, you don’t really have too much time like you had a decade ago. Good luck.