Dear Agatha,
I’m in my mid 50s and have been married for 22 years. Despite the challenges I have had in my marriage, I decided to put up with it because divorce is something I hate with a passion.
In our years together, I have never enjoyed the respect, support and appreciation of my wife and her parents.
My father in-law treats my home as an extension of his home, giving orders and insisting they must be carried out at his own convenience irrespective of how busy one is. My mother in law on the other hand comes and goes as she likes. Sometimes, she would call on me to come and drive her to a party. Because I run my business, I keep tolerating this infringement on my time.
The funny thing is that I am comfortable and have never taken anything from them. But my offence is in marrying their first and only daughter.
My wife on the other hand, at the slightest excuse, packs her things and goes back to her parents’ who on the other hand never bother to ask me what the problem between us is. They not only welcome her back home but take side with whatever story she tells them about me or whatever happened transpired.
My mother who is a victim of my father’s polygamy nature has severally had to beg me to keep accommodating my wife’s excesses because of the children. Actually, my mother’s experiences taught me the virtue of patience. I’m the only child left of the four children my mother gave birth to. Her mate killed all my siblings. I just escaped by divine intervention.
Because of this, I vowed against divorce and anything that would make me have a broken home.
But the one she did this last time has really broken the camel’s back. Unlike in the past when I would rush to apologise and endure the insults of her parents, I have made up my mind not to go begging her this time.
Before l left for work three weeks ago, she demanded I give her N200,000.00 to buyaso-ebi for a party her mother was organizing. Since I had just paid school fees, I pleaded with her that I don’t have such an amount of money and that she should give me time.
That was all. By the time I got home, she had left. Her parents as usual called to insult me. This time, I didn’t bother to go.
The worst thing is that she came back and took our last child who is 11. She also sent a text that I should bother to come for her.
I didn’t mind so much. But the treatment her parents gave me at the party is the reason I’m writing to you. Right in the presence of other guests, her mother and father walked me out with my friends. The mother said, since I couldn’t pay for the aso-ebi for her daughter, what was I doing at the party.
The painful thing is that my wife was there, witnessed everything and didn’t say anything. Instead she was laughing at my disgrace with some of her friends.
I’m fed up. What do you think? Even my mother is asking me to let go of her.
The real issue for me is how to recover my son with her. My eldest daughters are in the university and have vowed never to have anything to do with their mother or her parents.
As a matter of fact, my eldest daughter has for long urged me to allow her mother go and stop holding on to a marriage that is practically none existent.
I don’t want my son with her. I know she is purposely holding on to my son for selfish reasons. She doesn’t have time for any child. Already my son is complaining that he wants to come back home; that he doesn’t want to stay with her or the grandparents.
What do I do? How do I get my child back?
Dayo.
Dear Dayo,
For now, both of you are still married. So you do have the right to go over there and demand that your son returns home so he can resume school. And if his school has been changed, demand to know why his school was changed without your permission.
Neither your wife nor her parents have exclusive rights over the boy. Make it clear to your parents-in-law that while they have exclusive rights over their daughter, the boy remains your son hence they cannot take any decision concerning him without your permission.
If your wife insists, she is the mother hence has the right to do as she pleases with him, make it clear to her that while you have no intentions of allowing the issues between the two of you affect the children; you will however resist any attempts by her, her parents or anybody for that matter use any of your children as prawns for selfish reasons.
Tell her while she is free to divorce you, she cannot come between you and your children just as you don’t have any cause to prevent her from seeing her children if she so wishes.
Even though your son at 11 may need his mother, that doesn’t give her sole right to decide on what she feels is good for the child.
The only time she can do that is when a case has been established by the courts that you are irresponsible or lacks interest in the welfare of the child.
Besides, there is no case against you that requires the issue of keeping the child away from you.
According to my lawyer friend, you can establish a case against them if they refuse you to see your son. But you have to go first before lodging any complaints against your wife or her parents.
Besides, you must in the interest of the children, explore extra judicial means of resolving whatever the issues your wife has against you before making up your mind on what to do about the marriage.
From your account, her parents are really the problem in your marriage. this is because if she isn’t getting support and encouragement from them, she would have since changed and settled down fully to the responsibilities of married life.
To completely exonerate yourself from any future blame for the collapse of the marriage, call your eldest children to explain the situation between you and their mother. Also tell them why caused this latest problem and how you are worried about their brother and the future of the marriage.
Encourage them to see their mother and demand she returns home. Something tells me that the two of you can resolve your problems if you stop bowing to the commands of her parents and learn to be your own man by spelling your dos and don’ts to your wife.
Through your behavior of ready acceptance to every caprice and command of your in-laws since you married their daughter gave them the boldness to treat you the way they are doing. Had you resisted them long ago, they would since have known their limits and your wife, how to behave as a wife and mother.
Honestly, your docility gave your wife the impetus to become irresponsible and disrespectful to you. Yes, your mother kept appealing to you against having a broken home but allowing your parents the complete freedom to overrun your home isn’t a solution either.
With your kind of parents-in-law patience isn’t a virtue. It allowed them to turn you into a hen-pecked husband; who lacks the freedom to exercise his will as the man.
This is really the time for you to stand your grounds. No matter how much you desire it, don’t discuss the issue of your wife coming back to the house. Let her know through your actions that you no longer care and that you are fed up with her attitude towards the marriage. Beyond putting up a front, also make it a little bit difficult for her to come back when she wants to.
Insist, her coming back is dependent on certain factors you must spell out to her. One of them is packing out of the house whenever you both have any issue. Tell her in clear terms the next time it happens, she might as well not come back to your house.
Taking such a stance will not only come as a shock to them but communicate your tiredness at her and her family’s treatment of you. It will make them begin to consider you as man enough for their daughter and prompt them to be cautious of her they precede with you henceforth.
The truth is, you maybe making money to fend for your family but you haven’t been able to take the role of the head of your home. Through your behavior, you unknowingly submitted your home to your in-laws hence their effrontery to treat and talk to you anyhow they deem fit.
The only way you can fix the problem in your marriage is to take effective charge of your home.
Good luck.
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