He doesn’t want to let go

Dear Agatha,

Please help me out of the mess I walked into.  Last year, I was feeling very bored in my marriage and some friends suggested I add some fun by having an affair.

At first I wasn’t too receptive to the plans but I eventually warmed up to the idea of having an affair as almost every married woman in my group was having one affair or the other. I knew because they were constantly comparing notes of the many escapades they were having. According to most of them, these affairs helped in stabilizing their marriages and emotions.  It also helped them not to notice the flaws in their marriages and husbands.

Since I was complaining bitterly about my own marriage, they prescribed it as an antidote to the many marital challenges that come with being married.

And when it came, through the help of one of them, it was a wonderful experience as the man involved had all the things I wanted in a man. He was everything in the bedroom my husband has forgotten to be. What more, he had the charm to turn a lady inside out.  Truly it helped exceedingly in stabilizing my home as I stopped complaining about my husband.  The affair I was having didn’t make me notice all the flaws in my husband any more.

I was having all the fun until my elder sister caught the two of us at our favorite hide out and promptly took steps to end what she called my madness.

Although, I didn’t want to but after making me realize the scandal and all I stood to lose, including my children, I decided to end the relationship almost a year affair in February, this year.

He wept and begged me not to leave him when I told him of my intentions to end the relationship. For two weeks, he kept sending me messages and calling me even late in the night to beg me to change my mind. When he became too bothersome, I had to go to him to explain and plead with him to let me be. That I wanted to devote time to making my marriage work at all cost.

To my surprise, he said I should have thought about my marriage before dating him; that he has fallen in love with me and wanted me for keeps. When attempts to convince him to forget about me failed; I simply stopped accepting his calls and eventually blacklisting him on my phone.

That was when the real threats started. I didn’t know, he had pictures of our escapades. He sent copies to me to underscore the fact that he wasn’t bluffing when he used another number to call me.

It just won’t be my marriage that would end but my life too should he make good his threats to post those pictures on the social network.

The funny thing is that he isn’t after money but my body. He wants me to continue to the relationship with him.

Agatha, I don’t know what to do.  The irony is that my husband and I have talked about our problem and he is doing everything humanly possible to make our marriage work. Since I saw those pictures, I haven’t been myself and he has kept asking me what the problem is.  Will my marriage survive this at the end of it all?

I’m finished!

Mrs. J

Dear Mrs. J

This is what comes out of keeping bad friends and having extra marital affairs.

There is no marriage without challenges; it is the responsibility of the woman to try to keep her home at all cost. Even if your husband was preoccupied with other things or at worst, having an affair, the solution wasn’t for you to jump into the arms of another man. No matter how civilized and permissive the world has become, no society the world over supports infidelity on the part of the woman. While the society looks the other way when it comes to the man, it becomes unforgiving and outraged if the woman is the one caught at the wrong end of the moral compass.

If it was a woman threatening to expose your husband’s affair with her, he would have told her to go ahead because he can always confess it to you and beg for your forgiveness. But, how can you confess sleeping with another man to your husband let alone of that man having recordings of your time with him?

This is a tough nut to chew because your quest for fun has gone beyond you to becoming a huge danger to your husband and children.

Considering the fact that he went into the affair with the intentions of blackmailing you from the first day as evidenced by his recording of your affair, he may not be so easy to push off, especially if he has the backings of the very friend who introduced him to you. Though he claims to want you now but the ultimate would be money.

You must therefore go to that very friend who did the introductions to report your experience and enlist her support. There is no way she can deny not having an idea of his modus operandi. To have introduced him to you means, she has used him for some time.  Ask her pointedly what wrong you have committed to make her desirous of destroying you and by extension, your marriage?  Make it clear to her that your marriage won’t be the only one that will go down the drain; that you will ensure hers also doesn’t survive if she fails to talk sense into him.

If she has nothing to do with this guy’s current blackmail, she will immediately do something about it especially as she was the middle person between the two of you.  However, there is no way the man would have the effrontery to go ahead with this blackmail without support from this friend of yours. Get that clear.

This is why you have to hang everything on her as well as plead with your other friends to please talk to her on your behalf.

Since the intention here is to blackmail, it is pertinent you get yourself prepared:  how much are you willing to give? How far are you ready to go to get him off your back? When I mean how far; if the need arises, are you prepared to confess what you did to your husband and the law enforcement agency to get him off your back?  I’ve no doubt this man is a professional and won’t stop blackmailing you until he drains you emotionally and spiritually.  It is unfortunate that you didn’t investigate his background before walking into his trap.

Since he is refusing money to keep him quiet, demand to see him in a public face to get to know precisely why he is determined to keep you. Try pleading with him again to let you go. He may have gotten angry because you refused to pick his calls. Explain all over to him that you made the worst mistake in your life by seeking for emotional release outside your home. Make him understand that you are not leaving him for another man but are determined to make your marriage work at all cost.

If he insists on going ahead with his blackmail, go ahead and inform your husband all about it instead of waiting for him to post intimate pictures or videos of you and him on the internet.  Facing the wrath and condemnation of your husband is far better than allowing the whole world view your shame. But ensure there is someone there to prevent any ugly incident; someone like your elder sister who is already in the know of your carelessness and betrayal of your marriage vows.  This is important as there is no telling how your husband might react to your confessions.

Don’t stop at that, go to the Police to report to prevent him from going ahead with his plans. If his motivation isn’t money but something deeper than that, it won’t matter if your marriage is in the dustbin,  he would still go ahead to embarrass you by putting those pictures on the internet. Only the Police can stop him from doing that and not your confession to your husband or destruction of your marriage.

Whether your marriage will survive this incident or not is entirely in the hands of God. But one thing is for sure, your husband would need time to get over this so don’t try to push him too hard in the early days. Just keep praying that his love for you is strong enough to overcome this.

Good luck.