How do I tell her she isn’t the one for me?

With Auntie Agatha

gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626

Dear Agatha,

There is this good friend of mine, I have known since I was a child. She lived opposite our apartment with her parents.

I went to a boys’ secondary school where I gave my life to Christ while she attended an all girls’ secondary school but didn’t give her life to Christ.

Because we had nothing in common, we weren’t close. I come from a strong principled Christian home and the nature of my secondary school education didn’t give me much time to mingle with girls. By the time I entered the university, I could count the number of times I talked to members of the opposite sex outside my family members.

It was in the university my attitude towards women changed and I started to relate with women normally.

This opened a new chapter in our relationship. I was able to talk to her and with the help of God, she too gave her life to Christ. She started loving Jesus more than anything in the world; she didn’t need to tell me as I could see it all over her. Her born again experience was so drastic.

But something happened one day that is making me worried about the future. She told me about the prophesy she received in the programme she went for. She was told that she would marry a man of God.

After some months, she came back to tell me of a dream she had where I was anointed with olive oil after fighting a battle with some people.

She said, immediately the oil touched me, I received the strength and gift of healing and that anyone I touched shall be healed. She said in the dream, a voice told me that the two of us would end up forever.

Unfortunately for her, two days or thereabout before she came, God had already described the woman I was to marry. From what God told me, it wasn’t her.

She concluded that she and I would marry because I told her of my desire to be a pastor. Since I became born again, I know how God works with me.

After one near fatal experience where I disobeyed God and almost died, I have made a vow never to go outside His will for me.

This lady has a good character and the gift of wise counsel. Besides, she is zealous for God and ready to do anything for God. She is like that woman in Proverb 31.

The truth is that I cannot marry her but she has been demanding I pray about it. I haven’t told her  she isn’t the woman for me because am afraid if I do, she will run away from me and I don’t want to lose her friendship in my life. She is such a wonderful woman.

Should I tell her she isn’t the right woman for me? But the doctrine of my church stipulates that no marriage discussion should take place between a man and a woman until they are ready to marry; that is, a brother should not discuss marriage with any sister until the church permits him. As a matter of fact, the lady should not be aware of the intentions of the man at all. I don’t want to violate this rule. But in her church, it is different; they are free to say it.

Should I tell her now or later?

Uwadiegwu.

Dear Uwadiegwu,

It depends on your definition of friendship and the trust you attach to the word.

To whom much is given, much is expected. This lady has come to trust you with her life. She hasn’t hidden anything from you about what she feels and what she thinks she has heard from God.

By insisting you pray about it means she wants you to have a clear vision of what she thinks she has heard and giving you the chance to verify her message.

She is asking you for a second opinion to the message she has convinced herself she heard. By keeping quiet, you are in a way confirming her interpretations to the message she was given. This will make it impossible for her to look outside you to any other man whereas, if you come out with the truth you know, she will be opened to other offers.

By keeping quiet, you make it impossible for her to move on with her life. For a person who has a relationship with God; it is selfish especially as she is holding on because of the message she received.

If your friendship is divinely arranged, nothing will make her stay away from you now or in the future. Some people meet for a lifetime commitment to each other. Besides, her message maybe that both of you would work together in the vineyard of God; not necessarily marry. If she is gifted in counseling, surely as one aspiring to be a pastor, you would need her gift to ensure the stability of homes and lives of your members. In a way, you both would be together forever working for the purpose; God brought you into this world and His ministry.

If you fail to handle this delicate issue of her misinterpretations with the kind of maturity and wisdom it deserves, you risk destroying whatever working relationship God has in plan for both of you.

That your church doesn’t support such discussions is a doctrine; far removed from the ways of God. Therefore, you have to bow to the cardinal mandate of God on honesty and transparency at all times. This is a universal principle of God which no doctrine can override.

The truth here is, you have no intentions of marrying her because God has revealed your partner to you. So, keeping quiet about it whenever this lady brings up the issue of you and her getting married is deceptive; a spirit that can destroy all you have labored to build in the house of God.

Silence means consent. By not correcting her opinion you are giving her hope and fueling her dreams of becoming your wife in the future. Surely, the doctrine of your church cannot support this kind of deceit. If you aren’t careful your attitude may derail her beliefs as well as confidence in the words of the God she serves.

Have you also considered the fact too that she may have by passed the man meant for her because of the false hope you are giving to her?

Don’t ignore the fact that just as you find her so wonderful and worthy; so also do other men but are frightened to come near her because of her observed closeness to you.

For the sake of her happiness and value to God, call her and tell her the reason you don’t think both of you are meant to spend the rest of your lives together as man and wife. Explain to her the conversation between you and the spirit of God.

From what I know of God, He isn’t in the business of lying. His spirit is the same. What He tells you is what He shall tell another person.  If she truly knows the awesomeness of the God she serves, she will go back to Him for clarification and confirmation of what you are saying.

Chances are she may have misinterpreted the message because of her human weakness and desires to become your wife.

There is nothing objectionable and undesirably about her wish to become your wife. It is human so, don’t make her feel otherwise by refusing to come clean with her.

In a way too, you would have wished she was the one but since God’s ways are usually not the way we want things in life, she won’t feel offended by the truth. But she may never be able to forgive you for a long time if you refuse to come clean with her. Friendship is a certificate of trust; ensure you do everything to protect it from being damaged by being truthful and sincere always. Trust must always be unconditional and selfless.

Also pray for the wisdom of God in the handling of this matter.

Good luck.