I caught my wife in a bar with another man

With Auntie Agatha

gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626

Dear Agatha, 

I’m 38 years old and have been without a job for close to four years now. In fairness to my wife, she has been the one sustaining the family.  Unlike other women, she doesn’t complain or deny me anything including sex when I ask for it. in fact, she seeks to please me.

She even goes as far as sourcing for contracts when the opportunity presents itself.  Late last year, she bought a piece of land for the family. According to her, she got the money from the co-operative in her office.  She used the name of our first son to purchase the land with my consent.  Another time, she said she got a staff loan of N2m and asked if I would allow her use it to open a supermarket as she was getting very tired of her job.  I agreed but persuaded her to stay on until we are able to establish the business. 

Sometimes, she comes back with tears in her eyes which she always ascribes to her unease with her job.

There is nothing she does, without first seeking my opinion and approval. The only thing I noticed about her that changed is her absence most of the time at home. Most of the time, I’m the one that helps the children with their homework or notice when they are under the weather. 

Although, we have a competent house-help an elderly woman, I still hang around most time to ensure the kids are not lacking parental attention.

Even on weekends, she goes to work. I can’t complain because I don’t have a job and she has to work hard so as to keep the one she has.

Honestly, I didn’t suspect her of anything until the day I caught a stranger romancing her at a bar a friend of mine took me to. Till date, I don’t know if my friend did it deliberately or it was God’s way of exposing the situation in my home.

I was relaxing at home when one of my friends came to the house and insisted we go somewhere to relax.  I really wasn’t feeling up to it on that day but I decided to go all the same as the kids were holidaying at their grandparents’.  My wife as usual has gone to the office so I was home all alone as the househelp was visiting her family as it was her day off.

Where he took me was a new bar in town.  It was filled with different sizes of women in clothes that announced their availability to an interested man.

At first, I didn’t see them but when I did, it was to behold another man cuddling my wife.  And the dress she had on wasn’t the one she wore out of the house.

I can’t explain what happened but the man ended up on the floor while my friend and others were trying very hard to prevent me from chocking him to death.

Would you believe my wife lost her job two years ago and didn’t tell me? Instead, she has been prostituting to sustain the family. She said, she didn’t want me and the children to suffer, hence her decision to exchange her body for money.

Funny thing is that everybody including my parents, she ran to on the day of the incident are pleading with me to forgive her and continue living together as man and wife.

My father in particular says it takes a woman who loves her husband to do what she did. Even the friends I expected to condemn her are all pleading alongside her for my forgiveness because they know she isn’t wayward. As a matter of fact, I married her, a virgin and when it comes to issues concerning her family, my wife would do anything; I just didn’t think she would go this far. It hurts so very much.

Sincerely, I’m so confused because, despite everything; I still love her but can I ever trust her again?

Mojeed 

Dear Mojeed,

Love conquers all. While nothing can ever justify infidelity especially on the part of the woman, your wife’s situation certainly calls for understanding, caution and wisdom in handling.

From your story, her motive comes from her desire to protect her family financially.  You said so yourself that she is the kind of woman who would do anything for her family. Obviously, selling her body in exchange for cash couldn’t have been an easy decision for her.  She took it because it is the only way she can continue to provide for the family after she lost her job.

While, am not saying this is right, the economic situation in the country is forcing so many women into situations they never would have considered. Your wife is a victim of so many circumstances which include your inability as the man to think of other ways of providing for your family after you lost your job.

Had you used some of the money you made from the contracts she facilitated for you to begin something;  no matter how humble, perhaps, she wouldn’t have had any reason to prostitute her body to any man for money to sustain the family.

Unwittingly, you pushed her into whatever she did in her quest to continue to play the role of the breadwinner of the family.  If she went into prostitution to  fill up the gap your inability to rise above your sack and live up to your statutory and spiritual responsibility of being the head of the home;  it is only because you provided her with no choice.

From your attitude, as long as she was bringing in the money, ensuring you and the children had food on the table, rents and fees were being paid, you couldn’t be bothered about looking for something to do to gain back your position as the breadwinner of the family.

A woman with the kind of responsibilities you shouldered her with is vulnerable and a prey for men who have money to throw around. Not once did you sit down to consider how she is making all ends meet and having the extra cash to pay for a piece of land. If you needed her income to supplement yours before you lost your job, why did you think she didn’t need any kind of help from you to make the job of being the main provider of the family easy?

If you caught her with another man; you pushed her into it by your laziness and contentment with your predicament.

This is the reason everybody is on her side and begging you to take her back. Your friends and family are aware that you are more to blame for this unfortunate incident than your wife who had the choice of allowing the world mock your failures as a man or shield you from such mockery.

The tears she comes home with as well as her complains of being tired were salient pleas to you to help her out of the quandary she has found herself in. Had you taken steps to sit her down to extract information from her, chances are she would have confessed the cause of her tiredness. On those days she came home with tears in her eyes, she wanted you to see, think and help.

The fact that she didn’t for once take out her frustrations on you, didn’t out of anger call you names, didn’t for once let you know that your behavior was forcing her to do things against her wish, underlines her love and sacrifice for you and the children.

Doubtless, she has done the abominable but so have you. Any man who chooses to dance naked on the street, should be prepared for the consequences of doing so.

It would be so unfair to put the entire blame on her. Take time off to think and reason with yourself.  Time has a way of dulling pains and making one perspective on issues clearer and more realistic.  This is the time for some soul searching.  Ask yourself this important question; would she have done it if you had met her half way? Given your knowledge of this woman, this shouldn’t be too difficult for you to handle.

If at the end of it all, you are convinced of your answer, go back home and sit her down for a dialogue on the way forward.

In navigating your way through this maze, turn to God for help. It is essential if you hope to be happy with your decision.

Good luck.