She is refusing to consider IVF

Dear Agatha,

I must first commend you for all your advice and counseling you give to people in your column. I never miss reading your section everyday.

I was born with one ascended testicle which was later removed through surgery leaving me with one which was certified healthy and functional. Several laboratory tests before I got married confirmed my sperm count healthy and effective. 

This is why I didn’t bother to explain anything to my wife during our courtship days. I actually didn’t consider it an issue since I have been assured by doctors on the strength of all the tests I did, that I could get my wife pregnant.

But after four years in marriage, I still haven’t been able to get my wife pregnant despite being certified fit by the various medical tests my wife and I have gone through.

When my wife became aware of my single testicle issue, she was very unhappy and accused me of deliberately keeping the information away from her. She also charged me of luring her into marrying me when I knew a man with a single testicle cannot impregnate a woman.

Although our different doctors have tried to explain to her that contrary to her thinking, a man with a single testicle can impregnate a woman, she finds it difficult to understand and believe.

Now the major challenge is her refusal to go with a medical option opened to us. One of the doctors advised us to consider IVF; a process where my healthy sperm cell would be used to fertilize her egg and then implanted in her womb.

She has refused this option insisting she wants to be a mother through the natural way; me impregnating her and not through any artificial means.  Meanwhile she has threatened that, if after another one year with me, she can’t get pregnant, she will leave and abandon the marriage.

Even our pastor also advised we explore the IVF option. He said since the knowledge was given to man by God as with other medical solutions to other aliments, we should consider it. My wife remains adamant. 

My problem is; how do I convince her to accept this IVF option? We love each other. Our only issue is this childlessness which is coming between us.

I urgently need your advice and assistance. I’m anticipating your response.

Oscar .

Dear Oscar,

You cannot convince her to go ahead with your plans unless you resolve the first major problem of why you failed to tell her about your testicle before you married her. What you are trying to do now is like sweeping dirt under the carpet. You must first tackle the matter of why you didn’t tell her about your testicle before the issue of what methods both of you should employ to become parents.

Until you are able to make her understand that you didn’t deliberately keep the information from her; tricked her into marrying you, she will never cooperate with you on this issue of IVF.

She still feels bad and used by you. Her stance you can be rest assured, has nothing to do with her love for you but the trust to go on with you in a marriage she feels she was deceived into.

In her shoes, I’m sure you would also feel bad and very uncooperative. Honestly, asking her to cooperative with you on this issue so soon after she discovered you have just one testicle is very insensitive on your part.

It has nothing to do with whether or not you are capable of impregnating a woman but that of trust. In the first place, you didn’t give her a choice in the matter of marrying you or to make up her mind if she would marry a man with one testicle.

It is the choice you didn’t give her in the matter; that is making her bitter and resisting helping you out of a situation she knew nothing about when she married you.

If she were the one with one ovary and didn’t tell you about it and a problem now occurs as is the present situation in your marriage; would you have the confidence to stand by her especially as she concealed such major information from you? If you understand this, you will know what she is going through; why she feels bad and unwilling to be dragged into an issue you didn’t trust her enough with.

Deep inside her, apart from betraying her trust, your actions also presented her as being a shallow person; one whose love for you is shrouded in doubts. What she is angry about isn’t the fact that you are unable to get her pregnant but that, you lied to her and are going about this current issue as if it doesn’t matter that you lied to her. Your attitude is the issue here, not the fact that you cannot get her pregnant.

You must first apologise to her, tell her why you didn’t tell her and plead with her to understand your reasons. You must find ways around this problem you caused for yourself.

It is only after you have appeased her that you can ask her to support you on this IVF issue because she didn’t plan this when she married you.

The way it is, just like you railroaded her into marrying you; you are also pressurizing her to accept your option without giving her a choice to make up her mind. This can be very annoying and make a woman very stubborn about the option you are offering her.

Because she loves you, she will listen to you if you beg her to forgive you for taking her for granted.

A woman in love is the easiest to manipulate by the man in her life. There is no offence she won’t forgive if her man comes to beg for her pardon.

Asking her to accept your IVF option is like putting the cart before the horse; it won’t work.

She is your wife and after staying with her for four years, you must know the right key to press to unlock her sentimental mode. Do what you have to do to melt away her bitterness and make her thaw towards you. Beg her in the one language she understands; tell her you didn’t mean to deceive her into marrying you and that you didn’t consider the one testicle a problem because of all the medical assurances you were given.

Tell her it was because of these medical results that, you didn’t think it was so much of a problem.

Also be careful she doesn’t think you are apologizing because you want her to agree to your plans.

If you can, don’t discuss the issue of IVF with her. Just concentrate on making her fall in love with you all over again.

Sincerely, if you do it right, she will be the one to bring up the subject of IVF.

Threatening to leave you if you are unable to get her pregnant naturally is, to hurt you for what she considers betrayal of her trust. She simply wants you to know that the issue of your inability to have a child is yours and not hers.

However, if what my doctor friend says about the viability of one testicle is right, there is no reason you both cannot have babies naturally. Your case may be just one of those new inexplicable infertility cases the medical world is battling with.

Like I said, her bitterness at your not telling her before you married is why she is paying deaf ears to whatever the doctors are saying.

If she remains adamant, open up to your pastor about your mistake and ask him to beg her on your behalf.

The major lesson here is for you to never to lie to your spouse about any issue.

Good luck.