She already has a son

Dear Agatha,

I’m a man of 36 years of age and desirous to settle down. October last year, I met this lady in a church function. I liked her and immediately gave her my complimentary card so she can get back to me, as there was no time for me to explain myself to her. 

Few days after, she called and from there, we started communications. We both reside in different cities. In December, I travelled to meet her so we could meet and talk things over physically rather than through the telephone. During our discussions, she opened up to me that she has a child-a boy for that matter. 

According to her, it happened during her secondary school days and the boy is now seven years old. 

She will be 30 years of age by December and is currently a 200 level student in the university. I was shocked and disappointed when she told me about her child. According to her, the guy responsible denied ownership of the pregnancy prompting her family to take responsibility for the welfare of the child.

 Agatha, I have never contemplated marrying a woman with a child. Despite the fact that she has all the qualities I admire in a woman and for fact too that I love her, the issue of her child is however giving me a lot of concern. She loves me with passion, and cannot hide anything from me. She also respects and honours me sincerely. And I would have loved to marry her as a result of her rare qualities. 

 I haven’t told my people that the lady I found and who has the qualities I want in a woman, has a child.
Again, another worry is that, she is in 200 level. 

Once I decide to go ahead with the marriage, will her people not transfer the burden of payment of her school fees to me? Won’t they expect me to take over everything that has to do with her education? I ask these questions because I lack the financial wherewithal to take on such responsibility for now.

Please I need your candid and sincere advice before I take a final decision.
Godwin

Dear Godwin,

Sincerely, if you are not at peace with the thoughts of her having had a child, don’t go ahead with any marriage proposal. I say this because the child will eventually come and stay with his mother.

If you have any misgivings and discomfort concerning the child, you will never be able to love that child as you should as his new father. That child is part of the woman you have come to love therefore, you must see him as part of the total package else, you will be putting your girlfriend in the difficult position of choosing between her love for you and child.

Also don’t forget that this child has been rejected once; long before he was born. It would hurt both mother and child terribly if your actions portray you as being uncomfortable around the child. There is no way she would ever be able to give you her all if she suspects you of not liking her child.

It is either you learn to live with the evidence of her mistake or allow her find herself a man who has the maturity and understanding to deal with her past.

The fact that she chose to have the baby while others are busy aborting theirs doesn’t make her morally bankrupt at all. From how you described her, she must have learnt some very priceless lessons from her experiences and for which you would be the major beneficiary.

Her experiences have taught her to be all those things you find appealing about her. At 36, you aren’t young anymore. You are old enough to know what you want and to stand by it. Unless you are dependent on your family for means of livelihood; there is nothing out of the ordinary in what she has done. It is a matter of knowing the kind of woman that gives you the most happiness.

However, to help you make up your mind, get to know the nature of the little boy. It’s important you especially create the opportunity for both of you to get to know each other. See how both of you get on as well as how much of yourself you can give this child. Also don’t forget that this child has been rejected once by his biological father even before he was born; it would definitely create major psychological problem for him if you too make it impossible for him and his mother to have a normal mother and child relationship. He is a young child who will never be able to understand why he is being rejected all over again. You will simply be sending him on a road that would damage him if you don’t deal with the issue you have with his existence in his mother’s life.

Particularly for the sake of this innocent child, don’t pretend about what you feel about his mother having him. If you cannot deal with it, best you let the mother know since this child will always be a part of his mother’s life; the reason she told you in the first place. If she is sensible, she will come to appreciate your honesty.

The fact too that she told you at the very beginning should tell you that she isn’t about to hide the fact of her being a mother from anybody. Telling you is to give you the chance to know what you are getting into. It is also her way of informing you that her child is part of the package and that if you are not ready to accept the child as part of her, you are free to go.

A woman desperate to marry at all cost won’t do that. She would wait until it is too late for you to do anything about the relationship before telling you. At least, she has given you the choice to make up your mind about her and her child before even entering the relationship. Therefore, it would be unpardonable if at the end of the day; after appearing to accept the condition she has given you to continue to bear a grudge against the fact that she has had a child.

Nobody plans to begin his or her life with either a woman or man who has had a child but life always doesn’t come in the package we want. Most times, the things we want desperately come with situations we must learn to accept first before having what we want.

In addition life is also about making sacrifices for someone we love so much. If true, you really like this woman and convinced she has the qualities that would make you happy as a man; accepting her son shouldn’t be too much of a sacrifice to enjoy the bliss of matrimony.

On the issue of her family abandoning her for you to complete her education; it is a simple matter of you and your woman sitting down to discuss as honestly as possible. You have to be able to open up to her about your financial status. Often than not, women escape with the wrong impression about their men’s finances because, the men refuse to tell their women the truth about their financial position.

 Yes, her family might abandon her education completely to you but if you and the woman have the understanding that you cannot afford it; not because you don’t want to butthat you don’t have the means for now. Understanding between a couple is what drives a relationship to success. Your motive must be very clear to her; this way she would be able to correctly measure the worth of your feelings for her and defend you against suspicions from her family and friends.

No matter what it would cost you, learn to tell her the truth always.

Good luck.